Understanding the concept of “no contact”
It can be very painful to be in a position where you have to cut contact with someone.
This is an unfortunate situation that many people don’t want to be in. However, it is something that everyone has to face. The longer you resist the pain, the farther you will go from feeling normal again and living your life happily again.
Most likely, you have tried everything the normal way but it didn’t work – the traditional breakup. You or one of you realize that things aren’t working. Perhaps you had several discussions, clashes or tried to broach the topic of ending your relationship. It could have taken you longer to resolve the issue or one of you decided it was time for an end. Both of you are upset and you might agree to continue to communicate with each other for a few weeks or months to exchange possessions and check on one another (neither one of you will admit that it was to make yourself feel less guilty). You may also have one or two last shags and then you can both move on to your lives. It’s possible that you have even agreed to leave one another alone for a time, but it’s a respectful end. You don’t have to feel that you are leaving behind everything, including your dignity or self-esteem.
No Contact is a boundary-building step that is taken after a breakup. It is particularly useful for people who have lost their credibility in a relationship or because of the way they speak.
The No Contact Rule allows you to mentally, emotionally, and physically distance yourself from someone in order to gain perspective, grieve the loss, take back control of your life, and rebuild it so you can move forward. This allows you to grieve the loss and not be ensnared in unhealthy behaviors.
You can change your relationship with the person you are not in contact with. The time you spend and how you use it will help you to reduce the negative effects of the person’s involvement and improve your self-esteem.
No contact rule literally means no text, calls, emails, letters, IMs, Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn snooping. There is no tapping up of mutual friends to get information about them. There is no sex. There is no meeting up. You should avoid any contact that could cause you to lose emotional, spiritual, or physical contact with them.
The No Contact Rule means you are not available to your ex to help you get over the breakup. It also helps you to build self-esteem to be emotionally, spiritually, and physically ready for a relationship that suits you.
No Contact is what I consider the last resort. You’ve tried to end your relationship with your partner on several occasions.
What the No Contact Rule isn’t
Many people don’t understand what No Contact means. It is often referred to as ‘punishment, ‘the silent treatment’, a way of playing a game or something you do when someone is really, really bad. If you consider the No Contact Rule to be any of these, then you won’t do it. You’ll either feel bad about yourself or engage in manipulative behavior. Either you will wait for things to get really bad and dangerous, or you’ll rationalize it because it’s not as bad as what you consider to be terrible.
The no contact rule can’t be used as a punishment
One of two ways to cut contact is usually used: self-punishment, or punishment. If you view the No Contact Rule in terms of your worth’ or others not doing what you want them to do, then it is more likely that you will associate it with being punished. So, you might think, “I’m going through all this pain and have to make changes and face unpleasant realizations.” I am being punished, and I don’t deserve it!
You are experiencing pain as part of separating yourself from an unhealthy relationship. It is also a natural part of grief and loss. It’s not possible to get out of a relationship that caused you pain without some pain. It’s not about you feeling bad. People who are more worthy and deserving can have painful breakups, make difficult decisions, and get immediate results. You are not punishing them/her. The only way it can become punishment is if they use the No Contact Rule. This allows you to set your own agenda and try to manipulate them into doing what YOU want.
If you use the No Contact Rule to punish someone or impose a sentence on yourself, it will also look like ‘punishment. No Contact Rule can be a positive, empowering, self-affirming experience that is both positive and empowering. This is why it is important to fully understand it.
No Contact Rule does not mean giving someone the silent treatment in relationships. This is a form of abuse and manipulation. The only way No Contact Rule could cross into this territory would be if you were doing No Contact Rule to manipulate them. This is the No Contact Rule. It’s just game-playing.
Respecting boundaries is important in any relationship. If they don’t respect them, it isn’t going to help. You have the right to request that they remove you temporarily or permanently if they don’t behave with respect, care, trust, and respect.
Healthy relationships recognize that it is normal to not be in touch after a split. This should not be interpreted as the silent treatment. The other person will assume that the other party isn’t in a good place and is grieving. Or that they are trying to get on with their lives and are not ready to do so. You don’t need to feel animosity and you can be clear about the silent treatment as long as they follow the No Contact Rule. This is to help them move on, not force them to do what they want.
You should also remember that people who have been in a relationship with someone conscientious will understand your position, even if they disagree with it. They will respect that you need to be able to handle things in the best way for you. A person who doesn’t get too involved in their own lives will see the connections between what happened and what they’re doing, and be open to accepting the inevitable consequences.
It is not a game
Game-playing has been a common theme in the first two seasons. This is simply because it’s prone to misuse and misinterpretation. You’re much more likely to be hurt quickly if you don’t use the No Contact Rule.
You don’t want to try to get the relationship you want. It will be difficult to believe that they are there because they value you and not because they were coerced into it. You won’t feel secure that they aren’t playing the game if you get to know them well. This is where it all gets a little confusing.
You may play games that are detrimental to your credibility. If they abuse you or take advantage of you at the worst, then game-playing can be like giving them permission to treat you poorly. You shouldn’t allow them to have that chance.
It’s not only for “really, really bad” people.
First, a person’s definition of a “bad person” may differ from yours. You are not God, Judge Judy or some higher power. All you need to do is evaluate the situation, even if that means making a judgment about yourself. It’s not about being a good or bad person. It’s about acknowledging that certain behaviors and situations can make it impossible to have a healthy relationship.
While they may have their “good points”, most people love them. Even serial killers on death row can have madly infatuated people with them. The No Contact Rule does not mean you are judging the person as a ‘bad person, but it does indicate that you consider the situation unhealthy and insensitive to basic boundaries. You can see past the immediate and the long-term to realize that most people don’t have contact with their ex-partners. This is normal and known as moving on. They don’t view it as the No Contact Rule, even if it was initially that way. They’re simply living their lives. Your ex can still live their normal life. They are not subject to any court order or being judged by every man and his dog for what has happened in their relationship. You are not going No Contact Rule to punish them for being bad people.
It is important to let go of the belief that you have no right to end the relationship or that it doesn’t meet your expectations. You don’t need to have a ‘bad reason’ for ending a relationship or going to No Contact. Relationships end and relationships stop working. You have the right to your own space to grieve and move on. It is not possible to hold yourself back in an inept attempt to live your life according to consensus. I can assure you that if someone is ready to move on and take control of their space, they won’t need your permission.
