Category: Relationships

How To Deal With Possessions During The No Contact

No Contact Rule or No Contact Rule, breaking ups can often include the small matter of handling possessions. This includes both getting and returning yours. It’s better to address the problem of possession early than to leave it. This is for your emotional well-being and to avoid getting nostalgic if it’s hard. It’s better to deal with the issue now than to wait for the future.

You must organize your possessions immediately if you want to cut contact. Do not rush to implement the No Contact Rule and then organize your possessions in a hurry. This will only make it more stressful and will hinder your efforts.

If you don’t have the No Contact Rule, giving or taking back possessions acts as final communication. This can help those who are inclined to share their thoughts. You can ask for their possessions or leave them at their home if you have been thinking “I should tell them that I’m going No Contact Rule”.

It is important to reiterate that you should not use taking possessions or giving back property as a way of opening up dialogue. This will only lead to conflict and make you do the No Contact Rule again, which will cause you even more headaches. It may even slow down the process if you listen enough. You may become nostalgic or make excuses, and then decide to take One Last Chance Again. You still have to manage possessions.

Start by going through your entire home, cleaning out everything that 1) belongs to the person or 2) is a memento of your relationship.

Focus on the cleanup and be thorough. Once you have gathered everything, you can put them together. It may be helpful to bring a friend along if you are feeling upset. However, choose someone who will be understanding and kind. Then you can get on with your job. It doesn’t matter if someone is trying to distract or confuse you. You may feel awful, and I understand. But put some music on and treat it as a cleaning session. You can quickly reclaim your space if you get it over with.

What should I do?

  • Any value, whether it’s monetary or mental.
  • Give back CDs, books, iPods, iPads, laptops, TVs, cameras, mobile phones, photos, and other mementos/possessions. They can be given back toiletries that have value (i.e. Include them if they have proper cosmetics that are properly named and at least half-full.
  • You can return clothing, including any purchased items. You don’t have to look for missing socks feet, but you might find them.
  • If they have not told you otherwise, engagement rings should be returned. If that’s the case, I would consider your selling options. They are a great little vacation. My old one was intended to be sold, but I forgot about it and then sold it several weeks before my wedding. The cash helped me tremendously – thank you ex!

Returning their stuff

  • You can either call, email, or send an email to let them know when it’s face-to-face. Also, give two dates and times that they can collect (or drop off). You can make it difficult for them to understand if you don’t give enough details. They will need to choose one of the dates or suggest another.
  • Send one reminder email to request that they pick up the items. This will ensure that you have proof in case of an issue. If they don’t, they will be assumed to no longer require the items and the items will be donated. You don’t have to remind them if they fail to comply with the No Contact Rule. You can also return the items to your friend, particularly if they aren’t willing to collect them or provide you with a place to send them.
  • Peace of mind can be priceless, so if you have the means to do so and if it is a small number of items, pack it up and send it via courier or post. Make sure that it’s signed for so they can’t claim it was lost or receive proof of delivery. Drop them off if they aren’t home. You can also send the item to their office if it is small.
  • It is important to note that many courier companies require a mobile/cell phone number. This allows them to contact the recipient within hours.
  • You should ask them to give you a list of all the items they have left. One woman, I know of gets called up by her ex every few months, or sends her texts complaining about missing spoons. They were split up in a matter of a year!
  • It will make packing up easier if you get a list from them.
  • You can’t be held responsible for damage if you don’t help your parents pack their stuff.
  • If you have a lot of stuff, set a time and date for them to visit and take it all. Then make sure to be scarce while they’re there. It saves awkward conversations and I know of people who ask their parents or friends to watch over things.
  • It’s illegal to intentionally damage or destroy objects.

Find your stuff

  • If you haven’t yet broken up or moved out, I recommend organizing your stuff. Particularly if you are concerned that someone may destroy or sell your items, you should do so. It is possible to ask a friend or family member for help or put the items in short-term storage. Be careful not to remove too much stuff if you don’t have the items broken up.
  • Give them a few days and times that you can visit their home or drop them off. You can do it via email or phone, and you can also follow up with text messages. In the communication, state that they will not be able to do both of these days or times and suggest alternative options.
  • You can arrange to have the items delivered to you by a courier or friend.
  • It is your responsibility to make sure that the person collecting/packaging the items receives as complete a list of the things as possible.
  • Do it slowly and carefully, aka don’t stall the retrieval in order to keep contact.
  • Keep any receipts that are important to you in case someone claims for something you own.
  • If they refuse to return the item, especially if it is of sentimental or high value, it may be necessary to take legal action. This is a difficult decision because of the many stories I have heard that ex-partners won’t return items given to them or made for their loved ones. However, you have to consider the emotional and financial cost of going after this person. They won’t be able to take your memories. Sometimes, once they realize that they don’t have any control over you and you are willing to let go of it, they will return it.
  • Do not vandalize their property when packing up. This should be obvious, but I know of two people who poop on the stuff of their ex-partners and then cut off all their clothes. Yes, they ended up in court.

Joint possesions

  • This discussion should be held before the No Contact Rule. This is a natural part of a separation or breakup.
  • You may have done this as part of the dissolution.
  • You will need to divide up items you have purchased together based on their value or attachment.
  • It may be easier to have a legal process such as a sale or divorce through your solicitors, or a mediator. However, it will cost less if it is done amicably between you. It’s only going to make matters worse.

What to give away for a rainy day? Memory triggers and some gifts

  • Put all your ‘nostalgia equipment’ in a shoebox. These include concert tickets and movie tickets, photos, and anything else that may evoke memories.
  • Photographs can be taken down, passport photos removed from your wallet or purse, etc.
  • You may also have other items that they may have given you, such as books, jewelry, clothing, and electrical goods.
  • If you are going to lose your mind every time you don that top or bracelet or pass that book, you might consider getting a larger box and putting them all away until they’re better. You might decide to either sell them on eBay or donate them to your local charity shop.
  • It should be returned if it is emotionally connected to you. If it’s not, you should throw it in the trash. You can recycle it. You can get the sofa reupholstered, or customize your shirt. Get creative!

How To Properly Establish The “No Contact Rule”?

No Contact means that you take control of your communication with your ex. Take steps to prevent or minimize the chances of being contacted. This protects you against disruption from the other party. Also prevents you from making regretful mistakes in the moment of weakness. You’ll take preventative measures and effort to end the communication, even if you feel the urge to do so.

Communication Triggers

You pick up when they call. However, this is your emotional response to the hope, that they may have changed. You feel compelled to reply to their texts, no matter how absurd their content is. Part of this is because of the fears and thoughts attached to not responding. I’ll cover common communication channels later in this article and how to deal with each.

Do You Need To Notify?

People who are familiar with the No Contact Rule quickly find themselves paralyzed by the question of whether to let their ex know they’re ending contact.

It’s important to understand that the rule doesn’t mean that you are doing it to hurt them intentionally. Also, the No Contact Rule is the action portion of setting new boundaries. They have to know what’s going on just as you have.

The Message

If you are compelled to let them know, you can do it by phone (using your voice not text), or, if this is impossible, you can send them an email or letter.

  • Keep it simple. Anything else will lead to a lot of unnecessary discussions, or yet another opportunity for an argument. This is not a democratic decision. You don’t need their approval.
  • Keep it brief. Don’t send an essay or a novel.
  • Be kind, not mean. Don’t say things that are dishonest or disrespectful. Later you may feel guilty if you are mean.
  • Be the reason. It doesn’t make sense for you to keep things the same as they are now.
  • It shouldn’t be interpreted as a statement of your emotions. If it is done wrongly, it will lead to an ego stroke.
  • Don’t reply if they respond. It immediately drags you back into the discussion and weakens your credibility. Five simple words will suffice if you cannot contain your response finger.

Phone Communication

You need to limit their ability to reach you via your phone, whether it’s home, mobile, work, Skype, or any other. You should hang up if they call you from an unknown number or catch you by surprise at work.

Texts like “Hope you’re well …?” or “I miss our talks” and other such, are simply fishing for attention.

These sorts of texts are a lazy way to reach out and give you crumbs of attention. Texts can create the illusion that you are on someone’s mind. Also, they are open to interpretation because they are read the way you believe they were written.

Evaluate Your Phone Habits

Think about how you use your phone. If you spend hours answering messages, checking voicemail, and taking calls, you may struggle with the No Contact Rule. Try these new habits:

  • After a certain hour, turn off your phone.
  • Check your phone less frequently, for example: when you arrive at work, at lunchtime, after work, and before you go to bed.
  • Have something to read, or limit how much time you spend on your phone when you traveling.
  • Return the calls you receive after 9 pm the next day.
  • Use the “Do Not Disturb” setting.

Consider Changing Your Phone Number

  • If they are not able to respect your boundaries, contact your network provider to block their number.
  • You may also need to change your number.
  • You should only reveal your new number to people you know and ask no one else to give access to it.
  • Don’t give someone the ‘power’ over your life. This is the main reason for changing your numbers.

If you feel that changing your phone number is too drastic, leave your number on voicemail, or to get a temporary, pay-as-you-go phone.

Email Communication

  • It is best to limit or eliminate communication over email.
  • Find in your email filtering and blocking settings. You can set it up so based on keywords or email addresses you can redirect mail to certain folders.
  • If you are on the same email type (e.g. Hotmail, Gmail), ensure that you are invisible and disable the chat function if they message you.
  • Once you establish the No Contact Rule and still get an email message, you can reply and ask them to stop contacting you. After that, it’s okay to ignore and delete.

Facebook

No matter if you are a Facebook user or not, this section is essential. Facebook can become your Achilles heel if you start to keep tabs on your ex and torture yourself about what they’re doing. Even those who don’t use Facebook can be sucked into the pastime of “rifling” if their ex’s page’s ‘public.

Social networking is such a convenient way to spy without leaving any trace. It’s crucial to establish boundaries and remove distractions.

Consider this:

  • Facebook is the Kryptonite for people with low self-esteem.
  • Take a Facebook vacation until you feel more at ease within yourself, or find yourself constantly checking it. This will allow you to regain your self-control.
  • Hide your ex’s profile on Facebook if you find it difficult to handle it, as well as the profiles of mutual friends you haven’t yet unfriended.
  • Unfriend anyone who doesn’t treat you well, or behaves in a way that violates your boundaries after a breakup.
  • Do not look through someone’s photo collection online or investigating every person they are connected with.
  • Be careful about the content of your status updates! It’s best to avoid posting statuses that give the impression that your life has fallen apart. Or that you are angry, and going crazy.
  • Blocking your ex is not the best idea. It can be difficult to unblock/reblock. There is a time delay for unblocking depending on how frequently you have done it. If you decide to change your mind and re-block, there will also be a minimum 48-hour delay. Instead, you can simply block the messaging permissions to them.
  • You must still follow the No Contact Rule even if you want to keep friends on Facebook. Liking, commenting, or responding on Facebook will send mixed messages. This may give the impression that they are okay to reach out to you.
  • If both you and your ex are in the profile picture, then change it.
  • You block someone who keeps messaging you after you have defriended them. You can also change your settings to restrict who can message you. Do not get involved in the ‘rage blocking’, ‘nostalgia-induced unblocking’, and then panicking cycle. There is a time delay for unblocking depending on how frequently you have done it. If you decide to change your mind and re-block, there will also be a minimum 48-hour delay.

Twitter

Although I don’t hear nearly as many complaints about Twitter issues during the No Contact as I do about Facebook, heavy-weight drama still happens. This is because Twitter is about so much more than your circle of friends.

Things to keep in mind:

  • Don’t talk about them on Twitter.
  • Don’t read their feed and spare yourself the drama. I would also avoid reading their mentions.
  • Use block function. It stops their tweets showing in your feed and any @ replies from showing in your mentions. But it doesn’t mean that they won’t read your updates or that they can’t or won’t tweet about you.

Linkedin

One reason Linkedin is mentioned here is that if you look at your ex’s profile or they will be aware of it. The site allows each user to see who has been looking at their profile. This is something many people don’t know until their ex is notified about you checking in on them. So don’t do it.

Dating Sites and Blogs

It is not recommended to visit sites that you know your ex uses. That can give you a glimpse into their lives, and it will wear negatively on you.

You can potentially find out when they last logged in and whether they are active, like on many dating sites. Don’t be the person who creates a fake profile, just to find out about the ex.

It is important to avoid doing anything online that could connect you with your ex. That also includes credit checks and even looking at their worksite. You don’t want to feed the curiosity beast. You could end up torturing yourself by searching the internet for any information on your ex. Not healthy! Once you establish the No Contact Rule, stick to it. It’s for the best.

40 Signs That “No Contact” Rule Is Necessary

As someone who has helped people evaluate their situations and determine when No Contact is necessary, I have learned to recognize common feelings and situations. It’s very likely that you will need the No Contact Rule if you agree with only one of these statements. Read through and think if you recognize these patterns.

40 Reasons To Consider The “No Contact Rule”

  1. This is a one-sided relationship. My partner doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, yet I still hang around.
  2. My partner governs the relationship. If I try to do things my way, they meet me with objections.
  3. This relationship makes me feel like I’m losing control of my thoughts. Other areas of my life have also suffered.
  4. I tried to end the relationship but they wouldn’t listen. I just keep going back.
  5. They keep trying to contact me, despite my repeated warnings not to.
  6. I am considering a restraining order.
  7. When I tell them it’s over, they blow up in anger, then slowly or even quickly fall to lukewarm, or even cold.
  8. There is a lack of love, care, and trust, as well as respect.
  9. I am engaging in embarrassing, and at worst, humiliating behavior, and justify it as ok.
  10. Although I feel they rejected me many times, I keep on coming back.
  11. It’s almost as if there is a compulsion or addiction to this person. Even though they consistently disappoint me, I keep on returning.
  12. Our relationship dynamic is based on the fact that I don’t have any boundaries. If I had boundaries, they wouldn’t stick around.
  13. They are pretending to have a future with me in order to get what they want in the present. I caught their fakery many times.
  14. This person treats me like cr*p, with little to no respect, and uses me to fulfill their needs.
  15. They lack empathy and don’t care about me. In fact, I believe they’re narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths.
  16. Their behavior has been demeaning and discrediting me. They’ve expressed delusions about their grandeur, and that is more than enough to make me very concerned about continuing my involvement.
  17. This person is a danger to me. They have threatened to harm me/my loved ones/property.
  18. I have suffered verbal, mental, and sexual abuse.
  19. I’ve completely forgotten who I am, what I value, where I stand, what my boundaries are, and what my needs are. I also have lost touch with my family, friends, and hobbies. This relationship has made me feel isolated.
  20. He/she affected me deeply, even though we only dated for a short time.
  21. They make me feel guilty while they play the victim.
  22. I have broken up with him/her many times in the past.
  23. We have split up at least once in the past for similar reasons.
  24. They’ve promised things would improve, but they haven’t been able to keep their word.
  25. He/she tried to sleep with me even after we split up.
  26. Someone might describe this relationship as a booty call.
  27. They want to keep seeing me, even though they are seeing someone else.
  28. I was the girlfriend/boyfriend once, but now I am the other woman/man.
  29. They are married/attached and made me promises to leave many times but haven’t. However, they don’t want to end this.
  30. We work together, and it is difficult for me to establish a professional footing to resist their advances or to deal with my hurt.
  31. They have told me they don’t want to be in a relationship.
  32. He/she actually told me to cut them off for my own sake.
  33. They are still trying to control me, even though we’re separated.
  34. I want to make a change, but I don’t know where to start.
  35. Because of the struggles I’ve had to overcome, I have considered ending my life.
  36. I have been thinking about taking revenge. They’ve actually issued a restraining or threatened to.
  37. I’m basically stalking this person online/offline. I am constantly looking at their Facebook page, driving past their house, secretly accessing their email, and trespassing on their property.
  38. We are both dealing with addiction to a substance or compulsive behavior, which makes our relationship very codependent.
  39. I feel guilty about my decision to end our relationship. I worry they will do something to themselves if I stop communicating with them. However, at the same time, I can’t have a relationship with them.
  40. Our involvement falls under the category of fantasy relationships. It was a virtual crush relationship primarily via texting and online.

I have dealt with people who agree with nearly all of these statements in a single relationship. Alert! You are allowing yourself to become accustomed to high-level of drama or severe levels of stress in life. This can lead you to normalize poor relationships, which may even be life-threatening at some point. You may be telling yourself you can handle it or believing you know better. But in reality, it may not be the case. You are the one who realizes how toxic this relationship is, and bail.

These situations and feelings do not represent what love looks like. It’s a list full of pain, danger, and abuse. Although No Contact might seem like a difficult act of self-preservation, but if you don’t do it, it will take you much longer to end the relationship and keep your self-esteem intact. Enough reasons to act?

4 Main Objections To “No Contact Rule” And How To Deal With It

Objection 1: What about closure? What if …?

Unhealthy relationships and even more unhealthy breakups can drag on for years because people believe that the other person holds the key. This belief gives rise to the notion that there’s a sense of closure, that there’s a resolution at the end of the relationship, and that it’s been resolved. This could be resolving any questions the relationship might bring up or trying to understand the other person or all that happened in the relationship. It can be like trying to find 100% of the answers in the worst cases before we feel that we can end the relationship. We don’t realize that many people use the idea of seeking closure to avoid using their own judgement and engage in decision-making. This is because they fear making a mistake.

Closure means that you want to be certain that the relationship was not your fault or that you did all you could (which might include taking responsibility for the contribution of the other person or the whole thing). To be certain that the relationship will not work out and that they won’t change into someone better in a better relationship.

If you continue to engage in a conversation and want to keep the flame alive in your relationship, but you are not ready to let go of it because you believe it is what you need to get closure.

  • How about if I played doormat a bit more? Perhaps they will finally realize how amazing I am. Let’s say I stand behind my man/woman.
  • What if they don’t expect anything? They might not feel as pressured. What if they finish it and become The Ideal Man/Woman, for the next person.
  • Perhaps I should have waited longer. We have only split up 57 times, and I have only given so many chances. But maybe I was a bit hasty.

You may find it difficult to hear me say this: People who don’t know their stuff, are hot and cold, and won’t be with you, either way, need to be toughened up. Big time.

How about if I played doormat a bit more? Perhaps they will finally realize how amazing I am. Let’s say I stand behind my man/woman.

You could be more accommodating and willing to do whatever it takes to please someone who doesn’t intend on ever becoming great. However, while you might communicate your gratitude and how you are there for them, the message you send is that you don’t have self-respect and have low self-esteem and they can treat you poorly.

What if they don’t expect anything?

They might not feel so pressured. Expectations are a part of every relationship. You are trying to lower your expectations in an attempt to reduce the disappointment. They expect nothing, and get the strong message that there is no limit to their freedom and that they can do whatever they want. This is not a happy-clappy world. People aren’t always doing the right thing. They won’t say “There, there.” He/she expects little so I’ll be kind to them.” You’ll only be considered soft-spoken. It is important to remember that people often expect nothing from us. This subconscious belief comes from our inability to believe in our value. They may expect disappointment if we expect too much. These people don’t know the difference between what a decent human being should expect and being expected to provide it.

What if I finish it, and then they become The Ideal Man/Woman(tm), for the next person.

Although I can only say “Who cares?” it is obvious that you care! It doesn’t matter how kind they are to the lady next door, or if they act like Miss Perfect with the next person. You don’t know if they really behave that way in their new relationship, and you can’t judge them based on their honeymoon phase. It’s not possible to hold on to someone hoping that you will be happy with them one day. Also, you can’t act like a squatter who refuses to leave a property. Get happy now. You should also be aware that these situations can reveal the incompatibility of values. This is because you have tried to move forward with the relationship based upon their characteristics and it doesn’t work. Even if they find someone who shares their compatible values, it’s their right to do so. You don’t have the right to demand or expect them to change their values.

Perhaps I should have waited longer. We have only split up 57 times, and I have only given so many chances. But maybe I was a bit hasty.

Conversations with someone you have been having trouble with, who has been sleeping with you when you like, disappearing, returning, making promises, breaking them, using you when you want, messing about with your mind, and unable to commit to you aren’t going to make any difference. They just give you an opportunity to find that tiny teeny-weeny nugget to justify a disproportionately high investment. Then they do it again.

You realize one day that you spent more time looking for closure than actually living and enjoying your relationships.

You can’t control the relationship, but you can control the impact you have on it. Plus, you can close the door without them having to. You don’t need them to be the one who closes the door for you. You must remember that they would not need to follow the No Contact Rule if they were seeking closure for themselves. You’re here because they want closure.

They won’t explain. They won’t match words and actions. If they do, you might tell them to keep going. Then they may decide to give up on you. They don’t have to give you ‘double closure’ because they aren’t Siamese twins. It is possible to close the door, and then slam it shut again when they push it open. This is the indicator of how successful the No Contact Rule is.

They must not attempt to open the door if they don’t get a response. The door should be shut, and not open to allow them to make whatever silly excuses they may have. Contact is not a finality, but a beginning.

You can close the door on a relationship with the No Contact Rule even if you don’t have a “conversation” or a major breakup. You can use the No Contact Rule to allow yourself to grieve, adjust your perspective, answer the question “How did this happen?” and reach a resolution that allows you to stand by your decision to end your relationship.

This relationship was yours too. You can answer the majority of your questions with your eyes, ears, and judgment. This is another side benefit of the No Contact Rule. Trusting yourself to assess the situation and then to make your own judgments can help you gain self-awareness.

This will be a very beneficial time in your life. You will get to know your feelings, needs, and expectations. Not only will you be able to meet them better, but you will also be able to build a more fulfilling relationship with the people you learn from. This is possible without their assistance.

Objection 2: What if they get in contact?

People who follow the No Contact Rule often make the error of spending a lot of time worrying about whether or not their ex will contact them and then waiting for their response. This takes more energy than it deserves. You are making the ex the center of your life, even though they are technically not there. Accept the possibility that they will attempt to contact you, but keep your eyes on your needs. Worrying about whether they will make contact or how you’ll react to them making contact is like worrying about your health and your ability to stay focused on your needs. Worrying is like feeding a goldfish. It doesn’t know when it’s full, so it will continue to overfeed you. Stop feeding it too much.

  • You don’t have to be in touch with them just because they try to contact you.
  • You don’t have to reply or answer just because they call/email/text you.
  • You don’t have to accept them just because they show up at your door.

It is possible to believe that only those who are worthy to be dated, in relationships, and worthy of love are the ones who will get the object of your affections back to you. If the person you are cutting it off believes any of these things, they will not be in touch. But.

  • They no longer exist in the same circumstances they were used to.
  • Making contact with them might help to start a new cycle. For example, they may be asking you why you haven’t left your wife/when they plan to change/why you don’t understand what they did to you.
  • They have found someone who will allow them to do what they want.
  • They think there will be severe negative consequences for having pranked you so badly the last time you spoke to them.

There could be many reasons someone won’t or won’t contact you. But it’s like trying to figure out how long a piece is. Always remember that getting in touch doesn’t mean you are destined for love. Contact is their way to test if the door remains open. It is your job to let them know by your actions (or lack thereof) that the door is closed.

Objection 3: But what about the unpredicted?

People worry about bumping into their ex, or receiving a call from an unknown number and finding out their ex. However, the No Contact Rule is not broken. The No Contact Rule is all about minimising the chance that your ex will contact you or you, but it cannot be controlled. This is about not engaging in unnecessary conversations and cutting off your own side of the bargain.

Sometimes contact can be necessary or unexpected. If you have children, work together, or need to complete paperwork, it is possible to do these things together.

It’s possible to drop off your children or discuss a school issue without having to sleep together. Discussion. It is possible to be civil and professional without having to do the same things as in your marriage. You can even finalize paperwork and discuss a property issue without engaging.

You may like the same places, but you should take the high road. Until you are stronger, avoid going to places you might meet. You are creating unnecessary pain and possibly creating drama. You might think it’s ‘your bar,’ but you really need a ‘your life as well as a ‘your sanity.

Preparing for the unexpected is key. I discuss these topics throughout the book. Because even with the best of intentions, it’s possible to block contact and not make any. Then you might randomly bump into your ex at the supermarket. It’s important not to interpret the unexpected as a sign that you have to engage or even drop your pants.

Objection 4: But what about when we didn’t have a relationship?

It would surprise you to see how many people end up in situations where they have to “break up” with someone with whom they don’t really have a relationship. Apart from the Friends With Benefits and booty calls, there are many situations that need the No Contact Rule, even though they are not related.

  • You adored this person and tried to get close to them.
  • They realized you were married, so you turned away. But they continue to pursue you and remind you of how they are married.
  • Because of your romantic feelings, you are unable to maintain a friendship that was once genuine.
  • After spending years obsessed with a “friend”, you finally realize that friendship is not something you want.
  • They are flirty and spend a lot of time with you. You even seem a little jealous that you have been on a date. But when you ask them about the relationship between you two, they claim you’ve misunderstood him/her. You haven’t misunderstood anything, other than the fact that they are trying to mess with your thoughts and feelings.
  • You had a conversation with them on a dating website. They don’t want to go anywhere, but they love emailing you for an ego boost and it’s difficult to separate.
  • They called/email/text you but never go beyond that. You may have lost touch with them after you brought up the topic of what was happening between you. It’s all very confusing or even game-like.
  • You have a crush on someone and they don’t reciprocate. It’s difficult to get over what feels like rejection.
  • These are just a few examples. The reason you will want to end contact is that you have become emotionally invested in them, chasing their validation and attention, wondering if they’re wrong or what you can do to make things better.

This may seem excessive because it can make you feel like you are ending a relationship without any kind of agreement. You can also use No Contact to keep your sanity in check and protect yourself from falling for any illusions. The distance you create will allow you to move on to other people who are available to you.

The No Contact Rule can be a great tool to bring you back to reality if you are prone to fantasy.

Trust me, I have heard many stories of people who spent years waiting for someone they didn’t want to become. All because they believed that something was going on or that their feelings would be reciprocated. They realize they have been emotionally investing in a fantasy, and that it is not what they want. It only happens when they put distance between them.

The No Contact Rule allows you to reconcile any illusions with reality during this period. You can avoid any negative effects caused by their actions or your interest. It will allow you to be happy with your self-esteem and both your feet on the ground.

10 Reasons Why You Have To Resort To No Contact Rule

  1. Someone who is desperate to get out of a relationship has a strong need to control you. They confuse the desire to control and desire for control, so they will feel out of control (i.e. They will be consumed by the desire for you to end the situation.
  2. Even if they initially seem to be in agreement with the breakup they may start to look for the fringe benefits of a relationship and not commit to you or treat you properly.
  3. If you display a pattern of having loose boundaries and mismatched actions and words, it will undermine your credibility. People won’t take your seriousness seriously and will believe you’ll ‘come around’.
  4. They will keep you available if they have a reason to.
  5. They view you as property. You may be viewed as a mug/asshole by them if you move on to something better, especially if you’ve been lying about yourself to your friends.
  6. They are often prone to rejection and abandonment. It becomes almost like they can’t do anything until they make the decision that they’re done.
  7. It is possible to resurrect an old hurt, which could trigger anger, rage, and push them into a mode of Future Faking (promising a future and possibly saying they will change) and Fast Forwarding (trying to speed up the process to get you back in the relationship using sexual, emotional, and/or physical intensity to distract and distort the main issues and convince you to return).
  8. If you lack empathy and respect, your needs are not considered. You also cannot understand their position or the consequences of their actions. A breakup is not possible.
  9. They are aware they can’t give you everything you want, but they enjoy your company and ego-stroking.
  10. You may feel trapped by your feelings. They may feel angry, rejected, or unsure of what the future holds. However, a traditional breakup will not be able to penetrate their bubble if they are extremely intense.

Is no contact permanent?

The Contact Rule can be as temporary as you wish, but you cannot accept or resume contact with someone you don’t like. If someone has done little to no good in your life or has treated you poorly, it should be made permanent. It is not worth keeping in touch for their own ego, since it will mainly be their ego that gets massaged.

The No Contact Rule should be in force for at least three months, but it is likely that it will be in place for six to one year, particularly if the relationship was toxic.

You will need to record the time they have been missing for, and if they have disappeared before, break ups, or attempted the No Contact Rule before. Although it is not a scientific method, if you have been No Contact Rule longer than three months, then you will need to remain No Contact Rule for at least five to six months. However, it is more common to stay No Contact Rule for nine months to one year. It’s all about how you use your time. If you’re able to use it well, no matter how long it is, you won’t be disappointed if they come back in your life. You will react to your ex in a negative way if you use the No Contact Rule to wait for drama to start, and then blame yourself for doing other unhealthy things.

The No Contact Rule allows you to use this time to change your behavior and build your resilience and resources. Engaging under the assumption that they have changed is a huge mistake. It exposes underlying motivations to use the No Contact Rule to try to get your ex to change.

The No Contact Rule is like quitting smoking. It’ll hurt for a short time and you might be tempted to smoke again after a while. But, eventually, you will feel more relaxed and your time is passing faster than you thought. It’s not a good idea to quit smoking in the hopes of resuming your habit. It’s also best to follow the No Contact Rule to move on and not to plan when you will next meet up with them.

It’s easy to become anxious and obsessive about the possibility of not hearing from them again. But if you do the No Contact Rule for the right reasons, and keep your eyes on you, you’ll move on with you life regardless of whether or not they get in touch. It won’t stop you from moving on, even if they get back in touch. Remember that breaking up is about changing the nature of a relationship, and moving on. While some people can become friends after a breakup, others may not. Many people find it difficult to keep very damaging relationships.

People who are true friends and who keep in touch with each other in a healthy way, or after their relationships, have a tendency to be genuine friends. They don’t try to make it happen; they just meet up or cross paths as they go about their lives.

If you are worried about whether the problem will be permanent, this is a sign you need to put your focus on the process and your own life. You are still too invested. It’s time to shift your priorities.

People with decent self-esteem find it odd that the other person wants to be friends right away. People who have the No Contact Rule applied to their lives tend to believe they can make their own rules. People who are required to follow the No Contact Rule often worry about their appearance.

Asking the No Contact Rule if it is permanent is similar to asking if a breakup will last forever.

There’s always a chance that your paths will cross again in better circumstances. However, we must treat any breakups as permanent. Otherwise, we can be left in limbo and end up with no options but to suffer or derail our lives.

The best way to grieve is to treat breakups as permanent. This helps you to be present in the moment and allows you to move on.

There is no contact rule in the recognition that the relationship is unhealthy. It could be that your partner cannot respect basic boundaries or you are unable to show self-love around them. These are not signs of friendship. You should be concerned about being a good friend to yourself and not worrying about what the future holds for someone you don’t have a healthy past or present.

The No Contact Rule doesn’t mean that you should be ready to deal with someone else’s sexiness in a mature way (read: pretending your needs, expectations, and wishes don’t matter and ignore your true feelings). Rather, the mature approach is to distance, self-preservation, and refusing mistreatment.

When The “No Contact Rule” Is Most Appropriate

If they are unable to commit, but still want to keep you as an option.

This can be difficult. This is not about them being ‘bad’. It is about acknowledging your needs and validating that they are valid. If they can’t commit to a relationship, it’s not their fault. They want to keep you in the family so they don’t have the obligation to make that decision. This will also give them the chance to continue to support you in the event they do. It will ruin your self-esteem, and possibly even cause you to lose the possibility of a friendship. You break when you break. You can’t make them commit to being with your, but they can’t promise to be with you. Therefore, you must adhere to the No Contact Rule.

Low self-esteem.

It doesn’t matter if the other person is “bad”. However, if you treat yourself poorly with love, respect, trust, and care, whatever you receive from someone else, even if it isn’t very much, it feels like a lot. This person will place you on a pedestal and make you feel inferior while ignoring your own contribution. They are not special. No Contact Rule will be necessary, regardless of whether you have low self-esteem or it has been reduced. Your wellbeing is not your priority. You’ll end up feeling more pain if you place your needs, desires, and feelings above theirs. This can have a knock-on effect as you will judge yourself based on what you see as your mistakes or flaws. That affects how you think and behave which in turn affects the people you choose to be involved with. The No Contact Rule is an excellent way to build self-esteem.

If they are already in a relationship.

The No Contact Rule will stop them from trying to maintain a relationship with yours or at least try to keep you as an option, while they are with someone else. Right down. The No Contact Rule is crucial if you have had an affair. It protects you against being dragged back into their false promises of leaving. The No Contact Rule will shut down any inquiry that they have about you and inform them that you are not available. The No Contact Rule is essential if you believed you would have an affair with them or fell in love with them while they were having an affair with someone else.

Mixed messages from engaging can lead to more pain.

They may have been respectful of your boundaries, but they are sending mixed messages through a continuing ‘friendship’, or refusing to accept that the relationship has ended. This makes it difficult for both you and them to move on. You should not get mixed messages from them or make up your own interpretations despite what they have said. No Contact Rule will help you both communicate clearly. If you don’t have a good relationship with them and you keep trying to be around them, then you are actually hurting yourself.

They stalk you.

It doesn’t matter how nice they were in the relationship, if they are stalking you now that they have ended the relationship, the No Contact Rule and the involving the law will be necessary. For those who have been in a relationship with this person and are feeling tempted to follow them, it is important to get an enforced timeout to help them regain control.

They are abusive.

It’s not a good idea to make friends with someone who has abused you. It’s not necessary to be friendly with an abuser. You need to act in self-preservation. Additional support is needed to help you distance yourself.

They are a user.

Although it might have taken some time to realize that they were using a perceived weakness to gain an advantage, using is still abuse. 99 percent of users won’t admit they are users because they don’t see it that way. You feel like you’re losing and using, and that’s all you need to know. You may feel like you are being taken advantage of. This is because your inner self, which you have likely ignored, recognizes it.

Codependency is when there are two people.

You can’t tell where they start and end. You should also separate if they are addicted to something. This is important for your future well-being. If you feel that letting go of a relationship would be ‘abandonment,’ then this is also a category.

If you don’t really know the person.

Many people have a collection of ex-dates. These are people who chatted briefly or even had sex online before disappearing for a while. They also have crushes and extended flirtations. You might be able to cope with it if you are. But the rot starts when you feel an attachment to these people. You’re not an option if you aren’t available.

You’ve lost your self-respect.

Your involvement has led to you doing things you will find embarrassing or humiliating in the future.

Boundary issues.

If you or your partner didn’t respect your boundaries and you are still engaging in the relationship, the No Contact Rule can be very important. It removes any opportunity for them to harm you, and it also allows you to respect your own boundaries.

To end your marriage.

If your marriage is abusive, cutting contact is not the best way to tell someone that you are ending it. You need to keep in touch with your spouse for divorce. It’s also a bad way to end a relationship you have legally committed to. You can use it to help the person who doesn’t respect your boundaries. However, you must tell them that the marriage has ended and have already tried the traditional divorce route. If they refuse to acknowledge it or your boundaries, you can refer to a mediator.

Understanding The No Contact Rule And Assessing Your Situation

Understanding the concept of “no contact”

It can be very painful to be in a position where you have to cut contact with someone.

This is an unfortunate situation that many people don’t want to be in. However, it is something that everyone has to face. The longer you resist the pain, the farther you will go from feeling normal again and living your life happily again.

Most likely, you have tried everything the normal way but it didn’t work – the traditional breakup. You or one of you realize that things aren’t working. Perhaps you had several discussions, clashes or tried to broach the topic of ending your relationship. It could have taken you longer to resolve the issue or one of you decided it was time for an end. Both of you are upset and you might agree to continue to communicate with each other for a few weeks or months to exchange possessions and check on one another (neither one of you will admit that it was to make yourself feel less guilty). You may also have one or two last shags and then you can both move on to your lives. It’s possible that you have even agreed to leave one another alone for a time, but it’s a respectful end. You don’t have to feel that you are leaving behind everything, including your dignity or self-esteem.

No Contact is a boundary-building step that is taken after a breakup. It is particularly useful for people who have lost their credibility in a relationship or because of the way they speak.

The No Contact Rule allows you to mentally, emotionally, and physically distance yourself from someone in order to gain perspective, grieve the loss, take back control of your life, and rebuild it so you can move forward. This allows you to grieve the loss and not be ensnared in unhealthy behaviors.

You can change your relationship with the person you are not in contact with. The time you spend and how you use it will help you to reduce the negative effects of the person’s involvement and improve your self-esteem.

No contact rule literally means no text, calls, emails, letters, IMs, Facebook, Twitter, or LinkedIn snooping. There is no tapping up of mutual friends to get information about them. There is no sex. There is no meeting up. You should avoid any contact that could cause you to lose emotional, spiritual, or physical contact with them.

The No Contact Rule means you are not available to your ex to help you get over the breakup. It also helps you to build self-esteem to be emotionally, spiritually, and physically ready for a relationship that suits you.

No Contact is what I consider the last resort. You’ve tried to end your relationship with your partner on several occasions.

What the No Contact Rule isn’t

Many people don’t understand what No Contact means. It is often referred to as ‘punishment, ‘the silent treatment’, a way of playing a game or something you do when someone is really, really bad. If you consider the No Contact Rule to be any of these, then you won’t do it. You’ll either feel bad about yourself or engage in manipulative behavior. Either you will wait for things to get really bad and dangerous, or you’ll rationalize it because it’s not as bad as what you consider to be terrible.

The no contact rule can’t be used as a punishment

One of two ways to cut contact is usually used: self-punishment, or punishment. If you view the No Contact Rule in terms of your worth’ or others not doing what you want them to do, then it is more likely that you will associate it with being punished. So, you might think, “I’m going through all this pain and have to make changes and face unpleasant realizations.” I am being punished, and I don’t deserve it!

You are experiencing pain as part of separating yourself from an unhealthy relationship. It is also a natural part of grief and loss. It’s not possible to get out of a relationship that caused you pain without some pain. It’s not about you feeling bad. People who are more worthy and deserving can have painful breakups, make difficult decisions, and get immediate results. You are not punishing them/her. The only way it can become punishment is if they use the No Contact Rule. This allows you to set your own agenda and try to manipulate them into doing what YOU want.

If you use the No Contact Rule to punish someone or impose a sentence on yourself, it will also look like ‘punishment. No Contact Rule can be a positive, empowering, self-affirming experience that is both positive and empowering. This is why it is important to fully understand it.

No Contact Rule does not mean giving someone the silent treatment in relationships. This is a form of abuse and manipulation. The only way No Contact Rule could cross into this territory would be if you were doing No Contact Rule to manipulate them. This is the No Contact Rule. It’s just game-playing.

Respecting boundaries is important in any relationship. If they don’t respect them, it isn’t going to help. You have the right to request that they remove you temporarily or permanently if they don’t behave with respect, care, trust, and respect.

Healthy relationships recognize that it is normal to not be in touch after a split. This should not be interpreted as the silent treatment. The other person will assume that the other party isn’t in a good place and is grieving. Or that they are trying to get on with their lives and are not ready to do so. You don’t need to feel animosity and you can be clear about the silent treatment as long as they follow the No Contact Rule. This is to help them move on, not force them to do what they want.

You should also remember that people who have been in a relationship with someone conscientious will understand your position, even if they disagree with it. They will respect that you need to be able to handle things in the best way for you. A person who doesn’t get too involved in their own lives will see the connections between what happened and what they’re doing, and be open to accepting the inevitable consequences.

It is not a game

Game-playing has been a common theme in the first two seasons. This is simply because it’s prone to misuse and misinterpretation. You’re much more likely to be hurt quickly if you don’t use the No Contact Rule.

You don’t want to try to get the relationship you want. It will be difficult to believe that they are there because they value you and not because they were coerced into it. You won’t feel secure that they aren’t playing the game if you get to know them well. This is where it all gets a little confusing.

You may play games that are detrimental to your credibility. If they abuse you or take advantage of you at the worst, then game-playing can be like giving them permission to treat you poorly. You shouldn’t allow them to have that chance.

It’s not only for “really, really bad” people.

First, a person’s definition of a “bad person” may differ from yours. You are not God, Judge Judy or some higher power. All you need to do is evaluate the situation, even if that means making a judgment about yourself. It’s not about being a good or bad person. It’s about acknowledging that certain behaviors and situations can make it impossible to have a healthy relationship.

While they may have their “good points”, most people love them. Even serial killers on death row can have madly infatuated people with them. The No Contact Rule does not mean you are judging the person as a ‘bad person, but it does indicate that you consider the situation unhealthy and insensitive to basic boundaries. You can see past the immediate and the long-term to realize that most people don’t have contact with their ex-partners. This is normal and known as moving on. They don’t view it as the No Contact Rule, even if it was initially that way. They’re simply living their lives. Your ex can still live their normal life. They are not subject to any court order or being judged by every man and his dog for what has happened in their relationship. You are not going No Contact Rule to punish them for being bad people.

It is important to let go of the belief that you have no right to end the relationship or that it doesn’t meet your expectations. You don’t need to have a ‘bad reason’ for ending a relationship or going to No Contact. Relationships end and relationships stop working. You have the right to your own space to grieve and move on. It is not possible to hold yourself back in an inept attempt to live your life according to consensus. I can assure you that if someone is ready to move on and take control of their space, they won’t need your permission.

No Contact Rule And The Breakups In Our Modern World

In the ‘olden days, that is, before email, instant messaging, Facebook, and Twitter, breaking up was still difficult but much easier. Because technology wasn’t able to give people the same level of access to your life as today, it was more difficult for someone to do so. Yep, you heard me right – lazy access.

Technology is great, but it has a negative impact on my ability to date. It makes me feel emotionally distant, lazy, and opportunistic. This allows them to create an illusion of interest that doesn’t exist or at least not at the level we think it should. You could distinguish between effort and crumbs in olden times. If you were broke, you were broke. To find out what their activities were (and vice versa), it was necessary to call, write, or be present outside their home, work, or among their friends.

Modern breakups can be confusing and difficult because it’s possible to remain connected with an ex in so many different ways. There’s all that ‘let’s be friends, let’s touch base’, and ‘I don’t want to appear immature by defriending. The next thing you know, months, or even years, have passed and you realize that your life is still stuck because you have been dealing with an ex. They may have even started a new relationship. Some people are so casual with relationships, that they don’t want to even date. Others want to just casually meet and then have a casual breakup. This allows them to keep going as they are.

Breakups can be about ending relationships, but what many people fear is actually breaking up, letting go, and moving on.

Many people are having difficulty breaking up. It’s almost like trying to bring life back into a dead body. It is now easier to set realistic expectations and offer everything you have in the hope that they will love you and commit to you. There is a fear of the end and a constant fear that you might lose your investment. Fear of not speaking to them again, or being forgotten about. The fear that you might make a mistake in a situation that you actually correctly judged. And the fear that they will spontaneously become a better person and a better couple… without you.

Many people want to end their relationship but leave the door wide open for their ex to keep their foot in it in case they make a mistake. This also makes them a backup option.

It can be difficult to break up. While there are many factors that could make it more difficult, such as low self-esteem and the other party not respecting your wishes, most people feel the pain because they are unable to recognize the need to endure the short-term, and possibly even medium-term pain in order to gain the long-term benefits. It’s even harder when the other person won’t let you go. This means that you won’t have the opportunity to grieve the loss and allow yourself to move on. You’ll likely conclude that they are still trying to find out if you want to be with them. They just don’t know-how.

While I don’t deny that it was difficult to end a relationship, my parents didn’t have to endure half the bullshit tactics that we do. This is because technology and casual relationships were not accepted by society. They might have had a discussion, resolved to end the relationship, and then went their separate ways. They could either pick up the phone or write a letter to the other party. Or, they could walk to them. They had limited options, but now there are many options to avoid real communication.

Modern-day breakups are often accompanied by lazy communication tactics that do not communicate much. The person sending them may be scared and lazy, while the recipient might perceive them as low maintenance. It’s evident that the breakup occurs after a series of discussions. Then comes the one-line text, tentative emails, or calls at 2 AM in the morning. Readers have shared with me their stories of spending hours staring at emails or texts trying to figure out what it meant. {I kid you not when I say that some of these texts say stuff like “Great match tonight”; “I hope you’re not still mad at me…”; “How crap is this weather today?”; “Check out this joke…lame joke follows” and even “Hi”.|You’d be shocked to hear that some texts include things like “Great match tonight”, “I hope you are not still mad at me “How bad is the weather today?”,” “Check out this joke …lame follows” and even “Hi”.

After months of not hearing anything, a random and often pathetic joke text or email appears. This is supposed to bring about something from the receiver. It often does, because we believe attention is attention. We are often so eager to hear from someone we have been involved with that we forget to consider the quality of their attention and the context of their behavior.

Let me be honest with you: If you went out with someone semi-decent, they would have enough empathy to understand that people need space when they break up.

They are the type that, when you tell them to leave you alone for a while, will respect your wishes. However, the type that you should cut contact with is not capable of empathy and will only focus on their own needs. This doesn’t mean they are incapable of empathy. However, it does indicate that they don’t use it because they want to be the center of your universe. It’s about being comfortable. If they feel that their relationship is working, then you should. You can make them feel better by making them feel better by not cutting contact or giving them sex. This means that even if they don’t have anything more to offer, or even less, they will still want to be involved in your life.

They assume you are sitting there, eating ice cream by a tub, drinking tea and biscuits, and trying to make it through the day, waiting for them to give you some contact. You are often what you think, and it is time to change things.

Acceptance is also necessary that we are willing to engage in or even start lazy communication while seeking validation and attention. Modern breakups often involve a lot more ambiguity than the usual sex, virtual, and formal sex. It is easy to become involved in games and passive aggression. This can be in the form of pretending to follow an ex’s plan while actually having our own goals that we are trying to achieve. The next thing you know, expectations are being managed.

Many people have learned to expect crumbs in modern dating. They believe the crumbs are bread, but they are just crumbs. No Contact Rule ends all these shenanigans.

Based on our upbringing and our experience in adult relationships, each of us has a different idea of love or what a relationship looks like. Some of these beliefs can be very unhealthy. A lack of boundaries is the main problem that can lead to low self-esteem and unhealthy relationships. We either don’t have enough or too few, or we don’t enforce them. This book will use the term “boundaries” a lot because:

  1. You need them for yourself;
  2. They are necessary for anyone you are cutting contact with or in any of your relationships. Boundaries teach people how to treat you and teach them what you accept and don’t accept.

No Contact creates boundaries. This is something that I can assure you, and it’s what you really need.

Boundaries are your personal electric fence. They allow you to decide what you will or won’t accept. It also allows you to make sure that your life is in line with your values. Boundaries set limits. No Contact Rule has decided to withdraw from the program because you have exceeded your limit.

Inadvertently, a breakup creates a boundary between you

Both. Although it is not common for people to end up in this way, boundaries can help you recognize your feelings and preferences about how you would like to be treated. Breaking up creates a new boundary that signals that your relationship is over and that any privileges or fringe benefits you enjoyed previously are no longer available. You can’t continue to act the same way after a breakup. It’s impossible to expect, need, or desire the same level of behavior from another person. How can the other person accept and understand that it is over? How can you move on in your body, mind, and spirit? If your actions don’t communicate that the relationship is over, then you will struggle with emotional pain.

It may seem tempting, but you can’t have your cake and eat it as well. You will be the one who gets the short end of your stick, and that person could be you if you are considering cutting contact.

  • It’s impossible to say it’s over, then try and control what they see, do, and where they go.
  • It’s not possible to say it’s over, then be mad at someone who gets involved with another person or starts living a normal life.
  • They cannot expect to meet your needs, but they will keep coming back with the same fringe benefits.
  • They won’t tell you they want to leave but will keep your money in their back pocket for a rainy-day option.

It’s easy to see that if you don’t set boundaries and keep taking your ex back, you become someone of diminishing returns. You do the same thing as before but get even less. This is the root problem in your relationships. You need to adjust your expectations, needs, and wants to accommodate the fact that your relationship isn’t working out and should end. They must also realize that they can’t have the same access outside of the relationship as they enjoyed while in it.

People who need No Contact Rule often are those who want your emotions, ego-stroking, and shag. They also need a shoulder to cry on, without the ‘trappings of a relationship.

People are able to do things they couldn’t before. It’s partly due to lazy communication methods such as Facebook, emails, and texts. But it’s also because it’s possible. It’s just that they have more options to muck you around and that the social consequences of not being married or in a relationship have decreased over the last couple of decades. They want to communicate with you because you are still there, and they often do this to show that they still care.

It took me a while to understand that there are certain people who can’t be committed. They can’t promise to be with you, and they can’t promise to stay away from you. Do not let this happen if you have already spent your whole life trying to make someone like this change.

Commitment resisters in relationships are the driver – they have more power and set the terms. Even though you, as a passenger, will have your own commitment issues as well as being unable to give up control of your behavior when you are confined by the driver. They do what they want without thinking about how it will affect them. They live on their own terms. They will make insincere gestures of concern and care, but their priorities are getting a shag or an ego stroke, or a shoulder to cry on, or all three. They are also easily ‘turned on by’ absence, and they get obsessed with the rush of desire that comes from ‘beginnings’ as well as the panic that follows when someone stops dancing to their tune.

They will flip-flop all around you, hanging around like an annoying scab, but they will keep a firm grip on your life. Because they need the security to know that at least one person is out there wanting them.

Their view is that you are broken up and have the option to cash in a loan.

If they have a need, you should be available and willing to help them. There are many stories about people who abandon healthy relationships. This includes marriages and engagements. People who leave are often hurt because they let themselves be lured by sex, history, chemistry, promises, or ego. Then they feel like a cruel joke and regret the loss of their personal happiness or relationship.

In modern relationships, there are few restrictions and a lot of desire to move on quickly and avoid hurt feelings. This makes it easy for relationships to become unworkable.

It was evident in the ‘olden days’ if you didn’t move on. Many people are still struggling to move on, and they seek out emotional airbags from people who have been there for them. It’s not as easy to commit crimes in today’s world like it was in our parents’ day. We like to keep the door open “just in case”; there are many loose ends. If we’re honest with ourselves, we get too concerned about how things will turn out and how we feel. We are more comfortable with the familiar than the unfamiliar, and we feel powerless.

Fears of breaking up with someone, dealing with them after they return in touch, fear that they might change and become something great, and fear that you will be left alone. You may have unhealthy love relationships that make it difficult to break up with someone.

The No Contact Rule can be used to tell that person to run and jump, or at least to step back to give you some privacy. Importantly, the No Contact Rule is all about taking control of your life and taking care of your needs. To understand why it is difficult to leave and which situations are more likely to make you need No Contact, you will need to determine what you need to do to get on your way to a healthy life with your self-esteem intact.

People have been divorced fifty times. FIFTY. People are trying to get rid of an ex they split with decades ago. People who are approaching retirement are telling me that their lives are falling apart because of the ‘torture’ of spying on Facebook and email affairs that never materialized.

Only one life is possible. You have better things to do than to be tied to someone who doesn’t truly value you.

This book is not about breaking ups. It’s about empowerment and how to close the door to a relationship so you are available for something better. You are not being treated well if you have a relationship that demands No Contact Rule.

It’s important to have some time to heal from a broken heart. It’s easy to get too concerned about your image in a world where everyone is obsessed with it. You can easily spend too much time worrying about how your friends will perceive you on Facebook, or whether your ‘everyone’ perception of you will be. When the truth is that your breakup requires you to set boundaries. You have to manage your emotions and maintain a positive self-image. It will be difficult to please everyone.

Learn how to let go of people you don’t want and live a happier life. Even if you don’t want it, learn how to let go and not allow the negative effects on your life to affect your ability to move on. The No Contact Rule is a quick guide that will help you avoid being someone you can rely on or “fall back on” for a rainy-day option. It also helps you get out of situations where you are being exploited or worse, abused. This is about letting go of any relationship or involvement, regardless of how it ended. If you view yourself as broken every time you have to end a relationship, this can impact your future involvements.

You can end a relationship that is deteriorating with dignity, but you must also accept the fact that it will hurt for a while. It will all pass. Don’t be afraid of the pain.

26 Breakup Rules To Live By

  1. Do not try to be friends.
  2. Do not make contact with Mr. Ex.
  3. Do not try to convince him otherwise.
  4. Avoid going to places where you are certain he will be.
  5. Do not try to solve problems via text message or telephone. (Remember real conversations require eye contact)
  6. Do not answer each call. You should only answer one of his three attempts to reach you.
  7. Do not respond to text messages that say “nothing”.
  8. Do not ask him for a date. Wait for him to ask. If he does not ask you for a date, it is likely that he isn’t interested.
  9. Last-minute dates are not something you should agree to. Tell him if he wants to meet you that day. You can make a suggestion for the next day or three days later.
  10. After seven o’clock, don’t answer your phone or send any texts.
  11. Weekends are not the best time to answer the phone or send texts.
  12. You shouldn’t invite him into your home.
  13. Don’t accept last-minute dates. Accept that he isn’t planning dates.
  14. Do not compete with other women.
  15. If he isn’t a good match for you, don’t go out with him.
  16. Don’t rush into sex.
  17. Recover your love for Mr. Ex (only better).
  18. Return items that are urgently required. See faqs.
  19. Plan your week week ahead and stay busy.
  20. Make a list of the requirements that you need in a relationship.
  21. Take your time to heal.
  22. Rely on your friends during this time
  23. Always look your best.
  24. No matter how much you may not want to, it is important that you start dating men.
  25. Learn to love the chase.
  26. Do love yourself …

Always, always, always, be classy!

Most Frequently Asked Questions

Question: Mr. Ex. needs to have a razor, toothbrush and other personal items returned. To make arrangements, should I text or call Mr. Ex?

Answer: These items should be thrown out with the rest of your garbage. You should throw away personal items that are easily replaceable. You don’t need to think about it. You should pack personal belongings of significant value in a box and send them to your home address. No note. No card. Mr. Ex anticipates opening the box to find a sweet love note asking him to return to you. You can make Mr. Ex question your motives and take away his ego. If Mr. Ex insists that he swing by your home to get any items he left, tell him that you will be happy to leave a (neatly packed) box at your front door. There’s no need to ring your doorbell. You can go shopping, or visit friends.

Question: He needs his house key back. Do I need to call or text him to arrange for delivery?

Answer: Send the key to him in an envelope. Without speaking to Mr. Ex, make all arrangements necessary to get him the key. Do not waste time making a note or card to accompany the key. If he can think half a dozen times, he will be able to open the envelope and recognize that it is his house key.

Question: My facial creme was left at my neighbor’s house. Do I need to drop by his house to pick it up or should I just leave?

Answer: No, unless you paid three hundred dollars and the full jar was imported from England. If you are able to afford facial cream for three hundred dollars, chances are that you can buy another jar. You can always buy more at the drugstore.

Question: My husband and I have children together. What is the best way to start the no contact rule for children?

Answer: No. Communicate with children where they are concerned. The children are not the only thing you should communicate with. Communicate clearly and concisely.

Question: It is his birthday. Do I send him a Happy birthday text?

Answer: Answer: No. He will remember who didn’t send him birthday wishes for longer than who did.

Question: How about Christmas? What about Christmas?

Answer: No. If you get a text saying ‘Merry Christmas,’ it would be a good idea to reply. You would respond with a ‘And one to me’ message. Wait at least three hours before you reply. Send the text to him after 8 o’clock at night. Wait until the next day for a reply. Resume no contact.

Question: Is it Valentine’s Day? Should I send a Happy Valentine’s text? Answer: You can guess my answer. No. No. No. No. No. No. No! It’s possible to not see it, but you may not be aware of the fact that he sent several dozen roses to different women.

When he asks you to go out for Valentine’s Day dinner, you should politely reply “Have Plans”, especially if you only plan to stay home with your dog and watch Grey’s Anatomy. If he wanted to wine-and-dine you for Valentine, he would have made arrangements for it well in advance. I trust you get my point. He should not be contacted in any way. If he is your next-door neighbor, and you see fire coming from his windows, it is acceptable to end No Contact. You can break No Contact at this time. Do not let anyone get in your way!

Books To Read

What You Need To Do To Get Your Ex Boyfriend Back

Sarah Jessica Parker once stated, “When men try bold gestures it’s generally considered romantic.” It’s usually considered psychotic or desperate when women do this. The best way to avoid it is not to take any approach. That’s right. Your only task is to relax and be the feminine, soft-spoken creature God created you to be.

The purpose of a man is to chase you and protect you. At his core, he wants you to be happy. To try to steal the thrill of the chase is to be a thief. Women who know their worth will not make any effort to win the attention of men. They are more open to taking it or leaving it. A man will do everything in his power to win back a woman who has been a good friend. He may have needed space and time. It is possible that it could be another woman. If that’s the situation, he will have to work hard to return your favors. It’s as simple as that. It’s easy to forget that we are women in today’s modern world and allow the man to take the lead.

Although it may be fun to chase a man for a while, the best women know that true confidence comes from knowing that he is interested in you. It is important to pursue him. It proves his worthiness, and eventually separates the men from the boys. You gain confidence knowing he is right where he wants to go. An easy woman is not something a man will appreciate. While he may have a quick catch for a while, he won’t ever slip a ring on his woman’s finger.

A patient woman is a smart woman

Patience is a sign of maturity and self-control, which are qualities that men love in a woman. This shows that you can control your emotions. Be the best woman you can be. Repeat to yourself …. Me. Me.

Me. Me. Me. Now is the time to prove Mr. Ex and Mr. Rights to the world that you’re worth it and be your best.

This is a time to reevaluate what it takes for you to be happy and fulfilled. Everybody needs a little help from time to time. This is the right time to be passionate about your life. You want a man who will make you his priority. You have to admit that Mr. Ex didn’t bring what you need, regardless of whether it was a personality conflict, timing, or another woman. As I mentioned, he is not the only man with a pulse or penis. There are millions upon millions of hunters around the globe… you’re the prize.

You could be making fatal mistakes

This may be a way to speed up the process by initiating contact.

Avoid trying to speed up the process by making these errors:

  • You can call him
  • Texting him
  • Send an email to him
  • Plan your breakfast, lunch, dinner, or cocktail.
  • Remind him in a loving manner that today is your two-year anniversary
  • Offer to prepare his favorite meal
  • Send him old photos of you two
  • Send him sentimental notes
  • Send him flowers
  • Initiate affection
  • Initiate sex
  • Remember special moments you shared together
  • Tweet or post about him
  • Tweet or post how much your love for him is. Tweet or tweet how you miss him. Wish him a Happy Birthday. Merry Christmas
  • We wish him a happy new year

Do not give the impression that you are thinking of him by doing things that might make him feel like he is on your mind. It’s safe for you to assume that you think of him when you talk about him or do things for him.

Men are not comfortable talking about their emotions or feelings. This is precisely what you want to get him to do. Now, stop talking and just be silent. You will never be satisfied unless he does everything for you.

Ask yourself, at the end of it all, if you really want a man who is interested, available, and reliable? These are all key ingredients to a long-lasting, successful relationship.

Keep calm and carry on

To start the No Contact Rule, you must first take the time to manage your emotions and allow your brain time to connect with your heart. The old saying, “Time heals all injuries” is true.

It’s normal to feel devastated after a breakup. You want the one who hurts you most to give you the comfort you need to get through the ups and downs. You are in love when you feel bonded to someone. Separation anxiety, and many other emotions in the first few weeks of separation, are perfectly normal.

Your maturity is demonstrated by your ability to control your emotions. It’s okay to feel like you’re in a state of total despair and want to escape into a cave. These feelings can last as long as you allow them to. You have two options: you can allow these feelings to consume your life or you can get out of it quickly. You may need to make yourself go out with friends, or date when you don’t want to. But if you do that, you’ll find you have more fun. I Promise!

It’s easy to allow your emotions to overwhelm you with technology at your fingertips. Your first instincts when it comes to dealing with heart issues are often wrong. It is important to resist the temptation to send a text message or email. You must avoid these impulses like the plague. Recognize that they are a sign of weakness. If you are unable to control your impulses, yelling at someone is an indicator of insecurity. Be patient.

Love yourself

A second important factor is to recognize that there is an entire universe.

There is a world out there waiting for you to live it. Women believe that life is more enjoyable when there are strong hands to hold and a place to rest. Relying on others to make your life happy is not a good idea. Before you can love anyone else, you must first love yourself. While you cannot control what happens in your life, you can control how your emotions, happiness, and contentment react to it. It is easy to forget that Mr. Right can only be our source of comfort and stability. The right will provide it.

If you love yourself, that’s when all the planets align in your life. You deserve someone who will wrap your heart in love. Don’t settle for less. You don’t have to be alone. This means that you are strong enough to face the challenges life throws at you and patient enough for the right man to come into your life. Without Mr. Ex or Mr., You are right.

You will always be able to handle a split in a professional manner if you are able to accept that men may have different needs, desires, and feelings. It has nothing to do w/ you. Let go and move on. Do not hold onto the past. Do yourself a favor and don’t let past mistakes hinder your ability to move on in the future.

You are the only one who will take care of you and your best interests. Be your greatest advocate. Be happy with yourself. Imagine the life that you desire. Plan to create the life you want. You must love yourself enough to have enough self-respect and self-love to accept all that life and love have to offer.