Category: No Contact Rule

No Contact Rule Breaks Unhealthy Habits

Did you ever tell someone it was over or made threats? Then you found yourself backsliding again and changing your mind. You may have a pattern of getting back together and breaking up, or keeping your word even if you say you are done. This is a sign that they have been believing, subconsciously or consciously, that they can do what they want. You were probably scared the first time you uttered the modern-day dating equivalent of “WOLF!” They were likely scared when they first shouted ‘WOLF!

• “I can’t bear this!”
• “We are done!”
• “Well, piss off to your ex then!”
• We’re done! You got me?!”

They will be able to tell if you are a crying wolf by the fact that you are still there. You’re constantly expanding your horizons to accommodate their behavior, and they learn that you can.

“We’re done!” It’s an empty threat, they learn. It’s over until you panic about where they are, who they are doing, who they are, and how you can resist/get over them.

“Well, piss off to your ex!” You take them at their word, and they come back to you to return and you even offer to be the Other Woman/Guy so that you can keep them in your lives. You can also apologize for what you said and for the behavior they displayed.

We’re done! You got me?!” You stay, and they do it again. They know that they have the freedom to do whatever they want. They know you are a ranter, a threater, but they don’t think you are a mover or shaker. They were afraid the first time you raised hell. Perhaps even the third, fourth, and tenth times. They realized that you were mostly talking and figured out the dynamics between you two. They don’t believe it’s a threat because you’re still there. Or, at the very minimum, they consider you their best option.

You can temporarily experience a power shift by crying wolf. These situations are so frustrating that you can miss the memo that it has the hallmarks of a get-the-hell-out-of-dodge situation because you’re too busy trying to get things on your terms and battling your own insecurities that are likely part of the reason you think that this person is as good as it gets.

You’ve likely tried many different methods to move forward in your relationship, but instead, you find yourself in a vicious cycle. They are either too hard to shake or you feel the need to go back to the relationship crime scene. You keep repeating how unhappy you are, but you continue to be miserable. Crying like a wolf is a sign of an unhealthy relationship between you and your partner. It also indicates that you have unhealthy thinking and behaviors that lead to you living off the crumbs of others while neglecting your needs, desires, and expectations.

Your ‘enough moment’ is when you feel the most empowered and motivated. You know your self and you would probably not be reading this if you didn’t trust yourself.

You came to this place because of something. Now you must build on it. To make the No Contact Rule a success, but also to improve your relationship habits and be happier, and eventually to find a better relationship, you must understand why you have that pattern.

You may have already fallen off the wagon, become petrified of the next call/email/text/Facebook status and how you might react, or you’ve become paralyzed by the reality of telling this person to take a run and jump, and have gone in search of some information to bolster your decision. Let’s face it, you aren’t going through a breakup like a run-of-the-mill relationship. You weren’t in a boring relationship. I meant that if there was mutual love, care, and trust in your relationship, you wouldn’t be applying the No Contact Rule unless one of them had changed dramatically after the breakup.

You are not the only one.

Many people have found themselves in difficult situations, such as mine. We feel for someone, want a different outcome, but keep trying to solve the problems the same way we got into the relationship. This is clearly not going to work.

At the beginning of this process, you need to understand that your relationship, or ‘involvement, is a series and sequence of interactions that have combined to form the pattern of your relationships. Your own set of patterns and habits are yours. You have learned from each other what your habits in this dynamic mean.

As I have explained to many people struggling to get out of a relationship that is barely there, particularly those who are wondering if they should even try. The pattern of your relationship with this person and the dynamics between you help them form assumptions about what they will or won’t do. This is crucial for you to grasp.

They will make assumptions about you, whatever you’ve done in the past, and won’t change their mind until they have significant information from the No Contact Rule.

They take so much comfort in their pattern that even when they aren’t there, they believe you will behave in the same way they expect. This could mean that some people will feel so secure in your love that they are able to go on with their lives, but then they’ll suddenly come back into yours to disrupt it. They think you are so crazy about them they can feed off your adoration and their distress in your absence.

You must exceed the longest time you have been apart or not communicating with each other. To end the pattern, you must cut contact with each other for at least 7-12months if you have been apart for more than a few weeks. This is the only way to get rid of it – many people have tried and failed.

This is why it happens. Even if you believe you have made a lot of progress in the past few months or weeks, but your relationship has not been broken up for more than one year, they will respond to you. When you have been dealing with someone who is a hot-headed jerk, it is only when they realize that they are not getting what they want that they receive a signal to their brain that they must shift gears and’strike. This message may indicate that they may not be as in control as they thought and may make them seek confirmation. If they decide to contact you, this is the time to be clear and assertive. By not being ready to have a relationship with them that they are still refusing to offer.

If you are eager to take in all the attention and promises of them, you will again show that you are a crying wolf. They will see your attempts at the No Contact Rule (no matter your original intentions or convictions) as a game and will feel confident and in charge again.

Your habits must be changed if you want to make positive changes in your life and break free from an unhealthy dynamic. People tend to try to change their thinking and behavior to be more compatible with others. This is called “game-playing”. This only encourages unhealthy behaviors and eventually leads to deeper relationships. You also become distant from your core self, your needs, desires, and ultimately your identity.

If your ex or soon-to-be-ex stops taking you seriously, and figures out the “pattern”, which is similar in that it is able to open your door and allow you back into your home, then you will realize that the No Contact Rule is the best way to communicate that you don’t care about them anymore, that you’re serious and that your relationship is over. You need to convey a completely different message to someone who has been following you around like flies and enjoyed the ego-stripping to some degree, even though things didn’t work out. You don’t want them to be a jerk and ask for your help, but they will get the impression that you are ‘there’ to abuse them and take advantage of them. Furthermore, you can’t continue to project the image of someone who is okay with not having love, trust, and respect.

No Contact is about changing your response to the cues or triggers. This in turn changes your patterns and leads to a change in your behavior. You must respect the No Contact Rule. This not only shows that you are not going to engage, but also that you are a valuable, worthwhile person who is committed to their happiness.

How An Unhealthy Pattern Is Established

If there is an unhealthy dynamic, then the person will know that if they do X, they are more likely to do Y.

The X symbol in your relationship can be interpreted as either an indication that you should respond in a certain way or a cue.

These cues and triggers will influence your actions, thoughts, and emotional reactions.

For example, X could refer to the person who is starting to blow cold or lukewarm. Y could be your attempt to get them to blow hotter.

They quickly learn that if they act in this way, they expect you to try harder or do more. They figure out ways to get more from you, without needing to do anything. They figure out what they can do to get the best personal benefit, which is likely to be one that doesn’t tax them in areas they don’t want to spend. For example, emotions, effort, time, accountability, responsibility, commitment, money, respect etc.

If they are doing something that is not comparable to your efforts, or that they did not get the benefit without integrity, it shows that they do not have to try and that you are flexible and willing to please.

They conclude that X +Y equals Z. Until you stop responding to the same cues or triggers in your relationship, they will continue to believe it’s just business as usual. You will continue to fall into the same traps, wondering why they do it.

You’ve learned that certain responses can generate a short-term benefit that feels like a “benefit” and that this is why you cry wolf. It’s because they feel it generates enough response to provide a temporary fix. However, they still hope that this person will behave differently, even though they aren’t. You can’t look beyond the immediate gratification and even your ego, which can lead you to try to solve or soothe problems with unhealthy ‘fixes. This could leave you open to the long-term consequences.

No Contact Rule is a way to ensure that the triggers and cues you are receiving do not have the same effect on you. You can change your thinking and habits so that they no longer affect you. People who consider No Contact Rule are often disappointed or hurt because they have fallen for the same traps repeatedly.

You don’t want your feelings of hurt, disappointment, and availability for unhealthy relationships to continue. Instead, you can go No Contact Rule. Keep following the No Contact Rule until your new habits are so well-established that it doesn’t matter what the other person is doing. You will be happier and healthier, so it won’t appeal to you to fall back into old habits you don’t like.

We help people understand what they should expect of us. They get a sense of how they can treat us. If there are no consequences or little, they become the norm. No Contact Rule helps to create boundaries in this dynamic. If you have been neglecting to set boundaries or suppressing your needs, desires, and expectations in the name ‘love,’ this person will expect you to do certain things, even after the relationship ends. They will assume you are still available and can come up anytime they want. This is not true.

A good example of how a cycle can be broken by ignoring the contact rule

This is an example of how a person can see that, in or out, they have you under their nose and are likely to respond in the way they expect. This means they can extract any benefit they’ve come up with, even if it’s just getting an ego boost from the security of knowing you’re still there.

1. PHASE 1 – They Fast Forward to you during the initial stages of your relationship. You respond positively, even though you are strangers.
2. PHASE 2 – They begin to relax and show their true selves, which may not be the same as the original advertisement. If you feel unseated blame yourself and chase them harder.
3. PHASE 3 – They try to end the conversation but then tap you for an ego stroke or shoulder to lean on.
4. PHASE 4 – They cut down on contact and no longer respond to text messages. They allow themselves to continue their behavior in a “Well, if they don’t value themselves why shouldn’t I?” attitude. This is a way of saying that their actions are justified. However, it’s actually their character and habits regardless of whether or not you are there.
5. PHASE 5 – After a while, or even years, they send you a text message or a Facebook message. You pick up right where you left off with very few barriers to entry. This is confirmation that you haven’t changed and that you are still their backup plan. This may be enough to make them disappear once again.

This example shows that when you are in an unhealthy relationship with someone, regardless of their actions, you continue to attach the same or similar meanings and respond in a similar way. You would be able to see the lackluster, neglectful, and shady behavior of this person if you both changed your responses and addressed their meanings. It would be clear that no matter what you thought this person was doing in PHASE 1 they have become someone who is unsuitable for a relationship. The events in PHASE 2 & beyond reveal the true nature of their actions in PHASE 1. They used speed and intensity to disarm. If you continue to respond to this situation and their behavior by making it about you, you are giving them airtime in your life. Instead of acknowledging what they are doing and telling them to bounce.

Let’s now imagine that you feel their behavior in PHASE 2 and you are able to say no contact.

They try to reach you but are met with silence or lack of action by you EQUALS. This is their cue that something is wrong and they have not received a response as expected.

This is when they sense that you are not responding in the way they expect. They may feel out of control and want to know if they are correct. They will use this as a cue to up the ante with Fast Forwarding and Future Faking. This includes fixing you with their puppy dog eyes, claiming they have, and promising to change.

They try to contact you again, but this time with a much greater effort. If you don’t reply or you continue to ignore them, they may assume that you aren’t playing ball.

You continue to ignore their attempts to reach you, plus you keep sending the EQUALS message loudly that their behavior is unacceptable and that while they may have been able to get away with certain actions, it will not happen again. You can continue living your life as normal and not rely on others to make changes.

Let’s say they met with silence on the radio and you were hoping they would change.

You respond positively to their contact by accepting their contact and assuming that they have changed EQUALS. They receive a cue that you are still interested in the original offer (but not actually available). Plus, they get the cue that as long they blow hot, they will respond.

They will revert to their former position if they feel secure and in control of you. I have heard of thousands of people who have gone through this. Only for them to disappear or make an “I made a mistake” statement within days or hours. This is not something you should be doing. Your happiness and future depend on other people making positive changes.

While you are still in a relationship with them or trying to get them out of a relationship with you, it’s not possible to teach them different expectations. They’ll think you’re expressing frustration and that after a while they will forget or accept the inevitable. They will tell you what they want to hear, then make a few gestures, and then move on to their agenda.

You can rest assured with the No Contact Rule that this won’t happen. And that regardless of their aggressive or passive behavior, you will be able to assert your rights and not allow them to dictate your life. No Contact Rule can help you realize that you matter and to rebuild your life with healthier habits.

If you are serious about No Contact and have been dealing with a Narcissist or suspect they are due to abusive behavior, it is important to put your ego aside and listen to what I’m saying in this chapter. You will feel far less pain later on than what you are currently experiencing.

What is absolutely critical to recognize here is that it doesn’t matter if they’re a diagnosed narcissist (or sociopath/psychopath) or whether you suspect them to be – the fact that you would suspect someone of this issue speaks volumes about what you’ve been experiencing. It would be foolish to try to be an exception to the rule. Narcissists are not able to love, and their mind operates in a different way than a person with empathy. Yes, it is possible for this person to love you and behave well. However, that would be like saying you would rather live your life trying to collect water from an empty well than getting high off the occasional drip.

There is no contact rule – there are no exceptions

It is not possible to have partial contact with a narcissist while trying to be their mate. You are just a token in their never ending attention jar. They don’t understand nuances. So while you might feel that you have a reason to respond or reach out to them, they simply think “They love you.”

You’ll find that the No Contact Rule, which is based on sociopathology and narcissism, is the best way to get your life back. You have two options: you can feed them or you can focus on why you got involved in the first place. You won’t be able to cut it off or make them feel like they are losing control. This is a tough lesson that you need to remember. You don’t like being treated. The difference is that you don’t suffer from a personality disorder. This means you can stop trying to combat it and just accept the fact that you are coming from the same viewpoint. Narcissists will abandon you before you can see them as they really are and move on. They will not tolerate you cutting off.

Do not remind them to stop contacting you. Even responding to say you don’t want them contacting you, or reminding them why it is more than just contact. They will goad, goad, and bait until they get the response they desire. They will move on to another target unless they are stalking or dangerous. Don’t respond. Block as many contact forms as possible to make it easier for you. They will then be able to get your attention on their own terms.

They won’t like it if you don’t pay attention. It’s as if their ‘role’ is to be attention slaves. They see people that way. While they may be annoyed, their only purpose in getting in touch with you is to place them back in the same role. They don’t feel feelings or empathy, so you won’t change.

Don’t try to outthink them

Don’t worry about what the next move will be. You won’t know what they are thinking unless you’re a narcissist, sociopath, or both. To get an idea of what to expect, draw a chart. Mark the highs and lows. Also mark when contact was made. Note how they respond to criticisms, conflict, your asserting your rights, or you saying NO. This is what you should expect.

Stop Justifying

You should not feel the need to explain, engage, or both. They cannot empathize. This is the logic: Whether you are a narcissist, or not, you believe that this person has empathy issues. So why would you continue trying to explain your position to them or give yourself trouble for not understanding it and empathizing with you? This is absurd. Do not engage with them. While it’s fine to try and understand how someone behaves or lacks compassion and care from afar, it is not a good idea to engage with them. It’s like trying and repair a broken leg with a chainsaw.

Do not be a puppet

You can think of yourself as a puppet when you engage with a narcissist. They will believe that you are pulling at their strings, and you will be able to play the role of The Great Narcissist at The Royal Assholery Theater. You don’t have to play the part. You might be thinking that you are able to come up with your role in the play or even start saying lines that don’t belong with the role. You will be squashed with such ferocity they can take your breath away.

Don’t ‘Fire Shots’

Don’t tell them anything about yourself as a parting shot. Do not tell them about yourself. You shouldn’t. If they’re a narcissist or narcissistically inclined person, you should know that you don’t tell them. You simply walk away.

Do not fall for the Apology Trick

The next thing you know they will be asking you to apologize. This is an attempt to get you back into the Harem by pressing the Reset Button. Never apologize – Narcissists interpret it as a way to apologize for their actions. It may seem that they will accept your apology, but you will regret it when they get their teeth into you again.

Do not make your pain public

They may also keep an eye on you to make sure you are miserable. You can message them back and say “Leave us alone!” They don’t feel guilty and they get some attention. You shouldn’t post statuses on Facebook about how your life is falling apart, or that you haven’t had a good night’s sleep in the past month. And don’t allow anyone to talk about your business. Do not tell them you cannot stop thinking about them, or that they are your only hope.

Attention in the form you’re miserable is attention. For a narcissist that’s all that matters, it’s attention. They don’t need to be there to get that attention. They feel as happy knowing that they are miserable without you. This knowledge is not removed by the Contact Rule.

You can stop scratching the narcissistic attention itch. It might seem impossible at first, but if it doesn’t get scratched, eventually, you will be able to move on with your life. You will be back every time you scratch that contact itch, especially since being with a narcissist can be pretty traumatizing. You are reminded of someone you grew up with, most likely from your childhood. You must address this issue so you can stop thinking that someone who is great on one day but terrible on the next is normal and acceptable.

You may feel that you can’t do the No Contact Rule or LC if you are still living with the person. You may feel the same way about yourself. To go full No Contact Rule, you will need a Get Out Plan.

A Get Out Plan is a coordinated effort to help you end the relationship and prepare for ending contact. This is a great option if you have things to tie up, if you’ve been off the track before, or if you are dealing with someone who is very aggressive and will pursue you relentlessly. Extra controlling types who want to know your whereabouts every hour of the week, or who are adamant that you’re with someone else, will try to make you feel upset and/or dump you. You can use a Get Out Plan to take time to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Instead of panicking and jerking out, it allows you to be prepared to deal with the situation. They’re especially useful for people who can’t see beyond the immediate or are prone to second-guessing themselves. Flip-flappers (you and them) love to Get Out Plans. It’s almost like slowly weaning off drugs or cigarettes. It won’t seem like as big a leap when you finally make it.

Before you implement this plan, there are two important questions that you should ask.

1. Are you willing to end the relationship? Or are you looking to buy time so that you can stay invested and try to change the person?
2. How much worse can you be treated? Or how much drama would you like to get into before you’re done?

A Get Out Plan might not be right for you if you aren’t sure if you want to end your relationship. Be careful not to get sucked into further drama or be mistreated. There must be a point where you can stop being manipulated. You’ll notice that when you take a step back, your perspective and objectivity will allow you to see the bigger picture and you will be able to see the real motivation to make and keep the break.

Set a deadline

It shouldn’t be a fake deadline that you promise to move in order to get more time. It should be challenging, but realistic. Don’t make it too long that it becomes a joke. But don’t make the deadline so short that it makes you panic and make you reschedule.

For long-term relationships, it shouldn’t take more than 6 months to 1 year. Ideally, it should only last 1 to 3 months. You could aim for a three-year plan, but the Get Out Plan is about a concentrated effort. The longer the plan, the more likely you are to deviate from the course. Because you can’t rely on your emotional readiness to get out, you will never be ready. You need to concentrate on the actions and habits that will help you to increase your willingness to go and support you emotionally.

Be careful not to let your ex or soon-to-be ex get away with abuse. It doesn’t mean that they are perfect. It is important to be realistic about your situation and not rely on the hope that they will change or you won’t have to do anything.

Or, choose the Next Big Thing

For those who find it difficult to set a date, you can go with the Next Big (Shitty), Thing that Happens. It could happen next week or tomorrow, the only problem is that it may. It is common to have an idea of what they might pull, or our personal level of upset. You can use this information to help you make your decision. I promised that he would not pick an argument with me again or make me feel insignificant the next time he did. Do not let him get away with his agreement. This will cause distrust and weaken any remaining confidence.

Believe in someone

Because of the feeling of accountability, it is widely recognized that sharing goals and plans with others can be a motivator. It can be tempting to keep it secret, but if you change your mind, no one will know and it won’t affect how much you stick around for. If you are stuck in your emotions and keeping your pain and experience a secret, it is not possible to sanity-check your decisions or get the support you need. You can tell a friend, family member, or co-worker the deadline to ensure that you adhere to it. You can also talk to a therapist or counselor about your situation.

If you are in an abusive relationship, it is especially important to confide in another person. You might worry about being judged or that nobody will believe you. However, this is not often the case. Many victims of abuse find it extremely helpful to speak to their coworkers. For example, if they try to see a professional, suspicion might be raised. However, a coworker will not be suspect.

Slowly adapt your habits slowly

This is the secret to everything – gradually withdrawing and adapting your routine is key. Distance gives you objectivity, which allows you to see the person and your relationship more objectively. It also means that the end of the relationship is less painful than having to break off from old habits. What is this?

Say “Yes” Less

It’s a great time to spend at least a week just looking at what you say and do on a daily basis. It may surprise you to find out how few times you say no, and how often your needs, expectations, and wishes are being ignored in favor of what you believe people want to hear. You won’t get out of the relationship if you say yes every time. It will not lead to a healthy romantic relationship.

Other plans can be made when you’re not available. It is liberating to say no, rather than accept it as a default. Even if it’s not your intention to make plans or stay home, you shouldn’t refuse any invitation to go out. You can reduce the time you spend together by dropping one meetup per week if you have a 3-month plan.

Instead of causing shock to yourself and others by saying no to all things, build your confidence slowly. Start small and work your way up.

Don’t take every call

People who answer every call in drama-ridden relationships are usually available 24/7. It’s time to stop it. Let’s suppose you normally speak five times per day. Now, it is possible to drop to four and then three. You can expect them to become angry, irritated, or even hot when you do this. But they won’t pay any attention. Do not explain that you are reducing your calls. Just say that you are busy with work, a friend or whatever else – make up anything if necessary! You can even tell them about your increased workload and line them up for the lower calls. If they call you from your home, unplug it.

Refuse to reply to messages and emails

Double or triple your usual response time, or don’t bother responding at all, no matter what it is. If they send you a text the night prior, it is a great idea to reply in the morning. Even if your thumbs were a bit twiddly, it makes you appear busy.

Reduce late-night calls

Many smartphones have a “Do Not Disturb” setting that allows you to stop receiving notifications and ringtones after a set time.

Stop engaging

You can gradually distance yourself from them, but they might react to your sudden change and start to fight back or question you about what you did. Do not. Do not. Engage. Don’t explain. They will be completely taken aback. You can do all the things you normally do and still create drama. Tape your mouth and sit down.

Pay closer attention

Do not take what they have to say as fact or fall for lustful behavior. Instead, pay more attention to their actions and listen closely to what they are saying. Also, observe how your behavior changes around them. This will help you see the effect on the dynamic. Keep a Feelings diary, which basically tracks your moods and any changes in them. These are useful for identifying cues, triggers, and typical responses.

Get ready for sex!

Although I love getting laid, sex can cloud judgment and put you in the Justifying Zone. This is where we go when we continue to invest because we are sexually/emotionally invested but don’t want people to think we have made a bad decision. You may believe that all the happy hormones floating around is a reason for you to stay. You will be less likely to seduce them if you see them less.

Alcohol should be avoided

You should not get too drunk or if you feel like your passion or drama is being fuelled by alcohol, then it’s time for you to reduce the amount of alcohol so that you don’t get distracted.

Enjoy more time with your friends and family

It is possible to learn to love yourself, and spend time alone, which can be one of the most rewarding things you can do.

Find meaning in your life and embrace your family and friends. Or, find activities that allow you to meet new people.

These relationships may have suffered from your involvement. Take some of the time to start repairing them. You don’t have to be alone. Even though it may hurt to admit your mistakes, it won’t stop you from being part of this relationship. You can always return to these relationships if you don’t feel capable. Check out Meetup.com.

It is possible that you end up starting the No Contact Rule fully before your deadline. The great thing about withdrawing from a cycle is that you can see the problems and how you feel. One reader told me that she had planned to take three months off her No Contact Rule plan. She realized how absurd this was after she made a shift in her behavior.

Listen to your body while you are doing the Get Out Plan. Take note of what you are feeling stressed about, where you feel panicked, and when you feel happy and why.

If you find yourself distracted from the goal of the No Contact Rule, assess what you are afraid of. This will help you determine if it is a fear about what is actually happening, or if it is an irrational to fear. Also, compare what you know about your relationship with this person to see if it is rational. You can use the internet and local resources to find help if there are any areas you are having trouble with. This is a time to commit to your plan and get ready to jump. You can continue to validate what you are doing and remind yourself why you made this decision. This is possible.

No Contact Rule or No Contact Rule, breaking ups can often include the small matter of handling possessions. This includes both getting and returning yours. It’s better to address the problem of possession early than to leave it. This is for your emotional well-being and to avoid getting nostalgic if it’s hard. It’s better to deal with the issue now than to wait for the future.

You must organize your possessions immediately if you want to cut contact. Do not rush to implement the No Contact Rule and then organize your possessions in a hurry. This will only make it more stressful and will hinder your efforts.

If you don’t have the No Contact Rule, giving or taking back possessions acts as final communication. This can help those who are inclined to share their thoughts. You can ask for their possessions or leave them at their home if you have been thinking “I should tell them that I’m going No Contact Rule”.

It is important to reiterate that you should not use taking possessions or giving back property as a way of opening up dialogue. This will only lead to conflict and make you do the No Contact Rule again, which will cause you even more headaches. It may even slow down the process if you listen enough. You may become nostalgic or make excuses, and then decide to take One Last Chance Again. You still have to manage possessions.

Start by going through your entire home, cleaning out everything that 1) belongs to the person or 2) is a memento of your relationship.

Focus on the cleanup and be thorough. Once you have gathered everything, you can put them together. It may be helpful to bring a friend along if you are feeling upset. However, choose someone who will be understanding and kind. Then you can get on with your job. It doesn’t matter if someone is trying to distract or confuse you. You may feel awful, and I understand. But put some music on and treat it as a cleaning session. You can quickly reclaim your space if you get it over with.

What should I do?

• Any value, whether it’s monetary or mental.
• Give back CDs, books, iPods, iPads, laptops, TVs, cameras, mobile phones, photos, and other mementos/possessions. They can be given back toiletries that have value (i.e. Include them if they have proper cosmetics that are properly named and at least half-full.
• You can return clothing, including any purchased items. You don’t have to look for missing socks feet, but you might find them.
• If they have not told you otherwise, engagement rings should be returned. If that’s the case, I would consider your selling options. They are a great little vacation. My old one was intended to be sold, but I forgot about it and then sold it several weeks before my wedding. The cash helped me tremendously – thank you ex!

Returning their stuff

• You can either call, email, or send an email to let them know when it’s face-to-face. Also, give two dates and times that they can collect (or drop off). You can make it difficult for them to understand if you don’t give enough details. They will need to choose one of the dates or suggest another.
• Send one reminder email to request that they pick up the items. This will ensure that you have proof in case of an issue. If they don’t, they will be assumed to no longer require the items and the items will be donated. You don’t have to remind them if they fail to comply with the No Contact Rule. You can also return the items to your friend, particularly if they aren’t willing to collect them or provide you with a place to send them.
• Peace of mind can be priceless, so if you have the means to do so and if it is a small number of items, pack it up and send it via courier or post. Make sure that it’s signed for so they can’t claim it was lost or receive proof of delivery. Drop them off if they aren’t home. You can also send the item to their office if it is small.
• It is important to note that many courier companies require a mobile/cell phone number. This allows them to contact the recipient within hours.
• You should ask them to give you a list of all the items they have left. One woman, I know of gets called up by her ex every few months, or sends her texts complaining about missing spoons. They were split up in a matter of a year!
• It will make packing up easier if you get a list from them.
• You can’t be held responsible for damage if you don’t help your parents pack their stuff.
• If you have a lot of stuff, set a time and date for them to visit and take it all. Then make sure to be scarce while they’re there. It saves awkward conversations and I know of people who ask their parents or friends to watch over things.
• It’s illegal to intentionally damage or destroy objects.

Find your stuff

• If you haven’t yet broken up or moved out, I recommend organizing your stuff. Particularly if you are concerned that someone may destroy or sell your items, you should do so. It is possible to ask a friend or family member for help or put the items in short-term storage. Be careful not to remove too much stuff if you don’t have the items broken up.
• Give them a few days and times that you can visit their home or drop them off. You can do it via email or phone, and you can also follow up with text messages. In the communication, state that they will not be able to do both of these days or times and suggest alternative options.
• You can arrange to have the items delivered to you by a courier or friend.
• It is your responsibility to make sure that the person collecting/packaging the items receives as complete a list of the things as possible.
• Do it slowly and carefully, aka don’t stall the retrieval in order to keep contact.
• Keep any receipts that are important to you in case someone claims for something you own.
• If they refuse to return the item, especially if it is of sentimental or high value, it may be necessary to take legal action. This is a difficult decision because of the many stories I have heard that ex-partners won’t return items given to them or made for their loved ones. However, you have to consider the emotional and financial cost of going after this person. They won’t be able to take your memories. Sometimes, once they realize that they don’t have any control over you and you are willing to let go of it, they will return it.
• Do not vandalize their property when packing up. This should be obvious, but I know of two people who poop on the stuff of their ex-partners and then cut off all their clothes. Yes, they ended up in court.

Joint possesions

• This discussion should be held before the No Contact Rule. This is a natural part of a separation or breakup.
• You may have done this as part of the dissolution.
• You will need to divide up items you have purchased together based on their value or attachment.
• It may be easier to have a legal process such as a sale or divorce through your solicitors, or a mediator. However, it will cost less if it is done amicably between you. It’s only going to make matters worse.

What to give away for a rainy day? Memory triggers and some gifts

• Put all your ‘nostalgia equipment’ in a shoebox. These include concert tickets and movie tickets, photos, and anything else that may evoke memories.
• Photographs can be taken down, passport photos removed from your wallet or purse, etc.
• You may also have other items that they may have given you, such as books, jewelry, clothing, and electrical goods.
• If you are going to lose your mind every time you don that top or bracelet or pass that book, you might consider getting a larger box and putting them all away until they’re better. You might decide to either sell them on eBay or donate them to your local charity shop.
• It should be returned if it is emotionally connected to you. If it’s not, you should throw it in the trash. You can recycle it. You can get the sofa reupholstered, or customize your shirt. Get creative!

No Contact means that you take control of your communication with your ex. Take steps to prevent or minimize the chances of being contacted. This protects you against disruption from the other party. Also prevents you from making regretful mistakes in the moment of weakness. You’ll take preventative measures and effort to end the communication, even if you feel the urge to do so.

Communication Triggers

You pick up when they call. However, this is your emotional response to the hope, that they may have changed. You feel compelled to reply to their texts, no matter how absurd their content is. Part of this is because of the fears and thoughts attached to not responding. I’ll cover common communication channels later in this article and how to deal with each.

Do You Need To Notify?

People who are familiar with the No Contact Rule quickly find themselves paralyzed by the question of whether to let their ex know they’re ending contact.

It’s important to understand that the rule doesn’t mean that you are doing it to hurt them intentionally. Also, the No Contact Rule is the action portion of setting new boundaries. They have to know what’s going on just as you have.

The Message

If you are compelled to let them know, you can do it by phone (using your voice not text), or, if this is impossible, you can send them an email or letter.

• Keep it simple. Anything else will lead to a lot of unnecessary discussions, or yet another opportunity for an argument. This is not a democratic decision. You don’t need their approval.
• Keep it brief. Don’t send an essay or a novel.
• Be kind, not mean. Don’t say things that are dishonest or disrespectful. Later you may feel guilty if you are mean.
• Be the reason. It doesn’t make sense for you to keep things the same as they are now.
• It shouldn’t be interpreted as a statement of your emotions. If it is done wrongly, it will lead to an ego stroke.
• Don’t reply if they respond. It immediately drags you back into the discussion and weakens your credibility. Five simple words will suffice if you cannot contain your response finger.

Phone Communication

You need to limit their ability to reach you via your phone, whether it’s home, mobile, work, Skype, or any other. You should hang up if they call you from an unknown number or catch you by surprise at work.

Texts like “Hope you’re well …?” or “I miss our talks” and other such, are simply fishing for attention.

These sorts of texts are a lazy way to reach out and give you crumbs of attention. Texts can create the illusion that you are on someone’s mind. Also, they are open to interpretation because they are read the way you believe they were written.

Evaluate Your Phone Habits

Think about how you use your phone. If you spend hours answering messages, checking voicemail, and taking calls, you may struggle with the No Contact Rule. Try these new habits:

• After a certain hour, turn off your phone.
• Check your phone less frequently, for example: when you arrive at work, at lunchtime, after work, and before you go to bed.
• Have something to read, or limit how much time you spend on your phone when you traveling.
• Return the calls you receive after 9 pm the next day.
• Use the “Do Not Disturb” setting.

Consider Changing Your Phone Number

• If they are not able to respect your boundaries, contact your network provider to block their number.
• You may also need to change your number.
• You should only reveal your new number to people you know and ask no one else to give access to it.
• Don’t give someone the ‘power’ over your life. This is the main reason for changing your numbers.

If you feel that changing your phone number is too drastic, leave your number on voicemail, or to get a temporary, pay-as-you-go phone.

Email Communication

• It is best to limit or eliminate communication over email.
• Find in your email filtering and blocking settings. You can set it up so based on keywords or email addresses you can redirect mail to certain folders.
• If you are on the same email type (e.g. Hotmail, Gmail), ensure that you are invisible and disable the chat function if they message you.
• Once you establish the No Contact Rule and still get an email message, you can reply and ask them to stop contacting you. After that, it’s okay to ignore and delete.

Facebook

No matter if you are a Facebook user or not, this section is essential. Facebook can become your Achilles heel if you start to keep tabs on your ex and torture yourself about what they’re doing. Even those who don’t use Facebook can be sucked into the pastime of “rifling” if their ex’s page’s ‘public.

Social networking is such a convenient way to spy without leaving any trace. It’s crucial to establish boundaries and remove distractions.

Consider this:

• Facebook is the Kryptonite for people with low self-esteem.
• Take a Facebook vacation until you feel more at ease within yourself, or find yourself constantly checking it. This will allow you to regain your self-control.
• Hide your ex’s profile on Facebook if you find it difficult to handle it, as well as the profiles of mutual friends you haven’t yet unfriended.
• Unfriend anyone who doesn’t treat you well, or behaves in a way that violates your boundaries after a breakup.
• Do not look through someone’s photo collection online or investigating every person they are connected with.
• Be careful about the content of your status updates! It’s best to avoid posting statuses that give the impression that your life has fallen apart. Or that you are angry, and going crazy.
• Blocking your ex is not the best idea. It can be difficult to unblock/reblock. There is a time delay for unblocking depending on how frequently you have done it. If you decide to change your mind and re-block, there will also be a minimum 48-hour delay. Instead, you can simply block the messaging permissions to them.
• You must still follow the No Contact Rule even if you want to keep friends on Facebook. Liking, commenting, or responding on Facebook will send mixed messages. This may give the impression that they are okay to reach out to you.
• If both you and your ex are in the profile picture, then change it.
• You block someone who keeps messaging you after you have defriended them. You can also change your settings to restrict who can message you. Do not get involved in the ‘rage blocking’, ‘nostalgia-induced unblocking’, and then panicking cycle. There is a time delay for unblocking depending on how frequently you have done it. If you decide to change your mind and re-block, there will also be a minimum 48-hour delay.

Twitter

Although I don’t hear nearly as many complaints about Twitter issues during the No Contact as I do about Facebook, heavy-weight drama still happens. This is because Twitter is about so much more than your circle of friends.

Things to keep in mind:

• Don’t talk about them on Twitter.
• Don’t read their feed and spare yourself the drama. I would also avoid reading their mentions.
• Use block function. It stops their tweets showing in your feed and any @ replies from showing in your mentions. But it doesn’t mean that they won’t read your updates or that they can’t or won’t tweet about you.

Linkedin

One reason Linkedin is mentioned here is that if you look at your ex’s profile or they will be aware of it. The site allows each user to see who has been looking at their profile. This is something many people don’t know until their ex is notified about you checking in on them. So don’t do it.

Dating Sites and Blogs

It is not recommended to visit sites that you know your ex uses. That can give you a glimpse into their lives, and it will wear negatively on you.

You can potentially find out when they last logged in and whether they are active, like on many dating sites. Don’t be the person who creates a fake profile, just to find out about the ex.

It is important to avoid doing anything online that could connect you with your ex. That also includes credit checks and even looking at their worksite. You don’t want to feed the curiosity beast. You could end up torturing yourself by searching the internet for any information on your ex. Not healthy! Once you establish the No Contact Rule, stick to it. It’s for the best.

As someone who has helped people evaluate their situations and determine when No Contact is necessary, I have learned to recognize common feelings and situations. It’s very likely that you will need the No Contact Rule if you agree with only one of these statements. Read through and think if you recognize these patterns.

40 Reasons To Consider The “No Contact Rule”

1. This is a one-sided relationship. My partner doesn’t reciprocate my feelings, yet I still hang around.
2. My partner governs the relationship. If I try to do things my way, they meet me with objections.
3. This relationship makes me feel like I’m losing control of my thoughts. Other areas of my life have also suffered.
4. I tried to end the relationship but they wouldn’t listen. I just keep going back.
5. They keep trying to contact me, despite my repeated warnings not to.
6. I am considering a restraining order.
7. When I tell them it’s over, they blow up in anger, then slowly or even quickly fall to lukewarm, or even cold.
8. There is a lack of love, care, and trust, as well as respect.
9. I am engaging in embarrassing, and at worst, humiliating behavior, and justify it as ok.
10. Although I feel they rejected me many times, I keep on coming back.
11. It’s almost as if there is a compulsion or addiction to this person. Even though they consistently disappoint me, I keep on returning.
12. Our relationship dynamic is based on the fact that I don’t have any boundaries. If I had boundaries, they wouldn’t stick around.
13. They are pretending to have a future with me in order to get what they want in the present. I caught their fakery many times.
14. This person treats me like cr*p, with little to no respect, and uses me to fulfill their needs.
15. They lack empathy and don’t care about me. In fact, I believe they’re narcissists/sociopaths/psychopaths.
16. Their behavior has been demeaning and discrediting me. They’ve expressed delusions about their grandeur, and that is more than enough to make me very concerned about continuing my involvement.
17. This person is a danger to me. They have threatened to harm me/my loved ones/property.
18. I have suffered verbal, mental, and sexual abuse.
19. I’ve completely forgotten who I am, what I value, where I stand, what my boundaries are, and what my needs are. I also have lost touch with my family, friends, and hobbies. This relationship has made me feel isolated.
20. He/she affected me deeply, even though we only dated for a short time.
21. They make me feel guilty while they play the victim.
22. I have broken up with him/her many times in the past.
23. We have split up at least once in the past for similar reasons.
24. They’ve promised things would improve, but they haven’t been able to keep their word.
25. He/she tried to sleep with me even after we split up.
26. Someone might describe this relationship as a booty call.
27. They want to keep seeing me, even though they are seeing someone else.
28. I was the girlfriend/boyfriend once, but now I am the other woman/man.
29. They are married/attached and made me promises to leave many times but haven’t. However, they don’t want to end this.
30. We work together, and it is difficult for me to establish a professional footing to resist their advances or to deal with my hurt.
31. They have told me they don’t want to be in a relationship.
32. He/she actually told me to cut them off for my own sake.
33. They are still trying to control me, even though we’re separated.
34. I want to make a change, but I don’t know where to start.
35. Because of the struggles I’ve had to overcome, I have considered ending my life.
36. I have been thinking about taking revenge. They’ve actually issued a restraining or threatened to.
37. I’m basically stalking this person online/offline. I am constantly looking at their Facebook page, driving past their house, secretly accessing their email, and trespassing on their property.
38. We are both dealing with addiction to a substance or compulsive behavior, which makes our relationship very codependent.
39. I feel guilty about my decision to end our relationship. I worry they will do something to themselves if I stop communicating with them. However, at the same time, I can’t have a relationship with them.
40. Our involvement falls under the category of fantasy relationships. It was a virtual crush relationship primarily via texting and online.

I have dealt with people who agree with nearly all of these statements in a single relationship. Alert! You are allowing yourself to become accustomed to high-level of drama or severe levels of stress in life. This can lead you to normalize poor relationships, which may even be life-threatening at some point. You may be telling yourself you can handle it or believing you know better. But in reality, it may not be the case. You are the one who realizes how toxic this relationship is, and bail.

These situations and feelings do not represent what love looks like. It’s a list full of pain, danger, and abuse. Although No Contact might seem like a difficult act of self-preservation, but if you don’t do it, it will take you much longer to end the relationship and keep your self-esteem intact. Enough reasons to act?

Objection 1: What about closure? What if …?

Unhealthy relationships and even more unhealthy breakups can drag on for years because people believe that the other person holds the key. This belief gives rise to the notion that there’s a sense of closure, that there’s a resolution at the end of the relationship, and that it’s been resolved. This could be resolving any questions the relationship might bring up or trying to understand the other person or all that happened in the relationship. It can be like trying to find 100% of the answers in the worst cases before we feel that we can end the relationship. We don’t realize that many people use the idea of seeking closure to avoid using their own judgement and engage in decision-making. This is because they fear making a mistake.

Closure means that you want to be certain that the relationship was not your fault or that you did all you could (which might include taking responsibility for the contribution of the other person or the whole thing). To be certain that the relationship will not work out and that they won’t change into someone better in a better relationship.

If you continue to engage in a conversation and want to keep the flame alive in your relationship, but you are not ready to let go of it because you believe it is what you need to get closure.

• How about if I played doormat a bit more? Perhaps they will finally realize how amazing I am. Let’s say I stand behind my man/woman.
• What if they don’t expect anything? They might not feel as pressured. What if they finish it and become The Ideal Man/Woman, for the next person.
• Perhaps I should have waited longer. We have only split up 57 times, and I have only given so many chances. But maybe I was a bit hasty.

You may find it difficult to hear me say this: People who don’t know their stuff, are hot and cold, and won’t be with you, either way, need to be toughened up. Big time.

How about if I played doormat a bit more? Perhaps they will finally realize how amazing I am. Let’s say I stand behind my man/woman.

You could be more accommodating and willing to do whatever it takes to please someone who doesn’t intend on ever becoming great. However, while you might communicate your gratitude and how you are there for them, the message you send is that you don’t have self-respect and have low self-esteem and they can treat you poorly.

What if they don’t expect anything?

They might not feel so pressured. Expectations are a part of every relationship. You are trying to lower your expectations in an attempt to reduce the disappointment. They expect nothing, and get the strong message that there is no limit to their freedom and that they can do whatever they want. This is not a happy-clappy world. People aren’t always doing the right thing. They won’t say “There, there.” He/she expects little so I’ll be kind to them.” You’ll only be considered soft-spoken. It is important to remember that people often expect nothing from us. This subconscious belief comes from our inability to believe in our value. They may expect disappointment if we expect too much. These people don’t know the difference between what a decent human being should expect and being expected to provide it.

What if I finish it, and then they become The Ideal Man/Woman(tm), for the next person.

Although I can only say “Who cares?” it is obvious that you care! It doesn’t matter how kind they are to the lady next door, or if they act like Miss Perfect with the next person. You don’t know if they really behave that way in their new relationship, and you can’t judge them based on their honeymoon phase. It’s not possible to hold on to someone hoping that you will be happy with them one day. Also, you can’t act like a squatter who refuses to leave a property. Get happy now. You should also be aware that these situations can reveal the incompatibility of values. This is because you have tried to move forward with the relationship based upon their characteristics and it doesn’t work. Even if they find someone who shares their compatible values, it’s their right to do so. You don’t have the right to demand or expect them to change their values.

Perhaps I should have waited longer. We have only split up 57 times, and I have only given so many chances. But maybe I was a bit hasty.

Conversations with someone you have been having trouble with, who has been sleeping with you when you like, disappearing, returning, making promises, breaking them, using you when you want, messing about with your mind, and unable to commit to you aren’t going to make any difference. They just give you an opportunity to find that tiny teeny-weeny nugget to justify a disproportionately high investment. Then they do it again.

You realize one day that you spent more time looking for closure than actually living and enjoying your relationships.

You can’t control the relationship, but you can control the impact you have on it. Plus, you can close the door without them having to. You don’t need them to be the one who closes the door for you. You must remember that they would not need to follow the No Contact Rule if they were seeking closure for themselves. You’re here because they want closure.

They won’t explain. They won’t match words and actions. If they do, you might tell them to keep going. Then they may decide to give up on you. They don’t have to give you ‘double closure’ because they aren’t Siamese twins. It is possible to close the door, and then slam it shut again when they push it open. This is the indicator of how successful the No Contact Rule is.

They must not attempt to open the door if they don’t get a response. The door should be shut, and not open to allow them to make whatever silly excuses they may have. Contact is not a finality, but a beginning.

You can close the door on a relationship with the No Contact Rule even if you don’t have a “conversation” or a major breakup. You can use the No Contact Rule to allow yourself to grieve, adjust your perspective, answer the question “How did this happen?” and reach a resolution that allows you to stand by your decision to end your relationship.

This relationship was yours too. You can answer the majority of your questions with your eyes, ears, and judgment. This is another side benefit of the No Contact Rule. Trusting yourself to assess the situation and then to make your own judgments can help you gain self-awareness.

This will be a very beneficial time in your life. You will get to know your feelings, needs, and expectations. Not only will you be able to meet them better, but you will also be able to build a more fulfilling relationship with the people you learn from. This is possible without their assistance.

Objection 2: What if they get in contact?

People who follow the No Contact Rule often make the error of spending a lot of time worrying about whether or not their ex will contact them and then waiting for their response. This takes more energy than it deserves. You are making the ex the center of your life, even though they are technically not there. Accept the possibility that they will attempt to contact you, but keep your eyes on your needs. Worrying about whether they will make contact or how you’ll react to them making contact is like worrying about your health and your ability to stay focused on your needs. Worrying is like feeding a goldfish. It doesn’t know when it’s full, so it will continue to overfeed you. Stop feeding it too much.

• You don’t have to be in touch with them just because they try to contact you.
• You don’t have to reply or answer just because they call/email/text you.
• You don’t have to accept them just because they show up at your door.

It is possible to believe that only those who are worthy to be dated, in relationships, and worthy of love are the ones who will get the object of your affections back to you. If the person you are cutting it off believes any of these things, they will not be in touch. But.

• They no longer exist in the same circumstances they were used to.
• Making contact with them might help to start a new cycle. For example, they may be asking you why you haven’t left your wife/when they plan to change/why you don’t understand what they did to you.
• They have found someone who will allow them to do what they want.
• They think there will be severe negative consequences for having pranked you so badly the last time you spoke to them.

There could be many reasons someone won’t or won’t contact you. But it’s like trying to figure out how long a piece is. Always remember that getting in touch doesn’t mean you are destined for love. Contact is their way to test if the door remains open. It is your job to let them know by your actions (or lack thereof) that the door is closed.

Objection 3: But what about the unpredicted?

People worry about bumping into their ex, or receiving a call from an unknown number and finding out their ex. However, the No Contact Rule is not broken. The No Contact Rule is all about minimising the chance that your ex will contact you or you, but it cannot be controlled. This is about not engaging in unnecessary conversations and cutting off your own side of the bargain.

Sometimes contact can be necessary or unexpected. If you have children, work together, or need to complete paperwork, it is possible to do these things together.

It’s possible to drop off your children or discuss a school issue without having to sleep together. Discussion. It is possible to be civil and professional without having to do the same things as in your marriage. You can even finalize paperwork and discuss a property issue without engaging.

You may like the same places, but you should take the high road. Until you are stronger, avoid going to places you might meet. You are creating unnecessary pain and possibly creating drama. You might think it’s ‘your bar,’ but you really need a ‘your life as well as a ‘your sanity.

Preparing for the unexpected is key. I discuss these topics throughout the book. Because even with the best of intentions, it’s possible to block contact and not make any. Then you might randomly bump into your ex at the supermarket. It’s important not to interpret the unexpected as a sign that you have to engage or even drop your pants.

Objection 4: But what about when we didn’t have a relationship?

It would surprise you to see how many people end up in situations where they have to “break up” with someone with whom they don’t really have a relationship. Apart from the Friends With Benefits and booty calls, there are many situations that need the No Contact Rule, even though they are not related.

• You adored this person and tried to get close to them.
• They realized you were married, so you turned away. But they continue to pursue you and remind you of how they are married.
• Because of your romantic feelings, you are unable to maintain a friendship that was once genuine.
• After spending years obsessed with a “friend”, you finally realize that friendship is not something you want.
• They are flirty and spend a lot of time with you. You even seem a little jealous that you have been on a date. But when you ask them about the relationship between you two, they claim you’ve misunderstood him/her. You haven’t misunderstood anything, other than the fact that they are trying to mess with your thoughts and feelings.
• You had a conversation with them on a dating website. They don’t want to go anywhere, but they love emailing you for an ego boost and it’s difficult to separate.
• They called/email/text you but never go beyond that. You may have lost touch with them after you brought up the topic of what was happening between you. It’s all very confusing or even game-like.
• You have a crush on someone and they don’t reciprocate. It’s difficult to get over what feels like rejection.
• These are just a few examples. The reason you will want to end contact is that you have become emotionally invested in them, chasing their validation and attention, wondering if they’re wrong or what you can do to make things better.

This may seem excessive because it can make you feel like you are ending a relationship without any kind of agreement. You can also use No Contact to keep your sanity in check and protect yourself from falling for any illusions. The distance you create will allow you to move on to other people who are available to you.

The No Contact Rule can be a great tool to bring you back to reality if you are prone to fantasy.

Trust me, I have heard many stories of people who spent years waiting for someone they didn’t want to become. All because they believed that something was going on or that their feelings would be reciprocated. They realize they have been emotionally investing in a fantasy, and that it is not what they want. It only happens when they put distance between them.

The No Contact Rule allows you to reconcile any illusions with reality during this period. You can avoid any negative effects caused by their actions or your interest. It will allow you to be happy with your self-esteem and both your feet on the ground.

1. Someone who is desperate to get out of a relationship has a strong need to control you. They confuse the desire to control and desire for control, so they will feel out of control (i.e. They will be consumed by the desire for you to end the situation.
2. Even if they initially seem to be in agreement with the breakup they may start to look for the fringe benefits of a relationship and not commit to you or treat you properly.
3. If you display a pattern of having loose boundaries and mismatched actions and words, it will undermine your credibility. People won’t take your seriousness seriously and will believe you’ll ‘come around’.
4. They will keep you available if they have a reason to.
5. They view you as property. You may be viewed as a mug/asshole by them if you move on to something better, especially if you’ve been lying about yourself to your friends.
6. They are often prone to rejection and abandonment. It becomes almost like they can’t do anything until they make the decision that they’re done.
7. It is possible to resurrect an old hurt, which could trigger anger, rage, and push them into a mode of Future Faking (promising a future and possibly saying they will change) and Fast Forwarding (trying to speed up the process to get you back in the relationship using sexual, emotional, and/or physical intensity to distract and distort the main issues and convince you to return).
8. If you lack empathy and respect, your needs are not considered. You also cannot understand their position or the consequences of their actions. A breakup is not possible.
9. They are aware they can’t give you everything you want, but they enjoy your company and ego-stroking.
10. You may feel trapped by your feelings. They may feel angry, rejected, or unsure of what the future holds. However, a traditional breakup will not be able to penetrate their bubble if they are extremely intense.

Is no contact permanent?

The Contact Rule can be as temporary as you wish, but you cannot accept or resume contact with someone you don’t like. If someone has done little to no good in your life or has treated you poorly, it should be made permanent. It is not worth keeping in touch for their own ego, since it will mainly be their ego that gets massaged.

The No Contact Rule should be in force for at least three months, but it is likely that it will be in place for six to one year, particularly if the relationship was toxic.

You will need to record the time they have been missing for, and if they have disappeared before, break ups, or attempted the No Contact Rule before. Although it is not a scientific method, if you have been No Contact Rule longer than three months, then you will need to remain No Contact Rule for at least five to six months. However, it is more common to stay No Contact Rule for nine months to one year. It’s all about how you use your time. If you’re able to use it well, no matter how long it is, you won’t be disappointed if they come back in your life. You will react to your ex in a negative way if you use the No Contact Rule to wait for drama to start, and then blame yourself for doing other unhealthy things.

The No Contact Rule allows you to use this time to change your behavior and build your resilience and resources. Engaging under the assumption that they have changed is a huge mistake. It exposes underlying motivations to use the No Contact Rule to try to get your ex to change.

The No Contact Rule is like quitting smoking. It’ll hurt for a short time and you might be tempted to smoke again after a while. But, eventually, you will feel more relaxed and your time is passing faster than you thought. It’s not a good idea to quit smoking in the hopes of resuming your habit. It’s also best to follow the No Contact Rule to move on and not to plan when you will next meet up with them.

It’s easy to become anxious and obsessive about the possibility of not hearing from them again. But if you do the No Contact Rule for the right reasons, and keep your eyes on you, you’ll move on with you life regardless of whether or not they get in touch. It won’t stop you from moving on, even if they get back in touch. Remember that breaking up is about changing the nature of a relationship, and moving on. While some people can become friends after a breakup, others may not. Many people find it difficult to keep very damaging relationships.

People who are true friends and who keep in touch with each other in a healthy way, or after their relationships, have a tendency to be genuine friends. They don’t try to make it happen; they just meet up or cross paths as they go about their lives.

If you are worried about whether the problem will be permanent, this is a sign you need to put your focus on the process and your own life. You are still too invested. It’s time to shift your priorities.

People with decent self-esteem find it odd that the other person wants to be friends right away. People who have the No Contact Rule applied to their lives tend to believe they can make their own rules. People who are required to follow the No Contact Rule often worry about their appearance.

Asking the No Contact Rule if it is permanent is similar to asking if a breakup will last forever.

There’s always a chance that your paths will cross again in better circumstances. However, we must treat any breakups as permanent. Otherwise, we can be left in limbo and end up with no options but to suffer or derail our lives.

The best way to grieve is to treat breakups as permanent. This helps you to be present in the moment and allows you to move on.

There is no contact rule in the recognition that the relationship is unhealthy. It could be that your partner cannot respect basic boundaries or you are unable to show self-love around them. These are not signs of friendship. You should be concerned about being a good friend to yourself and not worrying about what the future holds for someone you don’t have a healthy past or present.

The No Contact Rule doesn’t mean that you should be ready to deal with someone else’s sexiness in a mature way (read: pretending your needs, expectations, and wishes don’t matter and ignore your true feelings). Rather, the mature approach is to distance, self-preservation, and refusing mistreatment.