Category: Relationships

Are You Sure You Want to Break Up?

It is difficult enough to end a relationship. It can be difficult to decide whether or not you should give someone your walking papers. One remains indecisive because of ambivalent emotions and opposing motives. For too long, uncertainty keeps women and men in unhealthy, unsatisfying, unwise relationships.

How many times have your ex-partners threatened to end the relationship? How many times has your partner lulled you back into his arms by romantic gestures, an artistic arbitrator, or a Saturday night without a date?

It is not enough to base your decision on a bouquet of roses, an excellent night of sex, or a mildly appealing partner. You can argue for staying together or breaking up. This chapter serves as your mini-workbook. This chapter will help you to explore the facts and uncover relevant evidence that can be used to eliminate ambivalence or indecision. Step by step for maximum results

Developing the Necessary Objectivity

It is essential to have the ability to be objective in your investigations. However, it can be difficult. It is essential to be objective and free from bias. You can’t continue without taking the first step.

After the soul-searching, you will still be confused and confounded. To get started, play a game. Play the role of a friend in the relationship you are looking at. You have been asked for advice by her.

Be free from prejudices and personal feelings. However, you should still be sensitive. Look inward. You might be surprised at the things you see. A neutral mindset is essential for romantic objectivity. Numerous studies will convince you that a neutral mindset is essential when making a romantic choice. Clear your mind of any thoughts that might cloud your judgment. You can sit down and have a clear, neutral seat of judgment that isn’t influenced by bad moods. If you don’t have a good mood, even the best times could turn into a dinginess. You don’t have to let your hair down before you can get back on track. Go to the gym, or eat that cake. Find your mental balance.

You must stop listening to your heart and body. Put aside the passions and heat of your body. The previous chapters should have convinced you that neither of these is objective or reliable decision-makers. Put an end to your anger. Let go of the sadness. Put aside the desire for love. You must put an end to the hurt feelings. Is the plot full of revenge? Let go of the denial. You can’t watch a romantic movie in a darkened theater if you want to keep this balance while making a romantic choice. You shouldn’t go to a romantic, intimate restaurant with loving couples. Do not listen to love songs.

Rely on the facts. You should be able to clearly present the facts if you have met the requirements of the previous two steps. It’s up to you to interpret them. We have seen enough court cases that show how even substantial evidence can be misinterpreted.

You will be less likely to be led astray with wishful thinking, disappointment, or perceived rejection if you can rely on the hard facts. Don’t be surprised if your love interest doesn’t call you when he promised. Ask why! Don’t excuse your date if she doesn’t turn up for an important engagement. Find out the truth. Ask her whereabouts. Accept only plausible answers.

What Do You Want From This Relationship?

Without knowing what you want from a relationship, you can’t assign critical standards of measurement.

It is essential, to be honest, and unadulterated. You cannot fool yourself. You can admit that you are seeking a husband. You can also search for a romantic travel companion.

Make a decision. Here are my suggestions after you have made that determination:

  • You should use the most stringent and reasonable standards possible to ensure a happy marriage.
  • If you are in love with someone who is living together, then no lower than spousal requirements will be required. You can take your time if you are unsure but believe this person has potential. You are not being forced to make a decision.
  • If you are looking for a romantic relationship, you should make sure that you don’t get hurt by a split.
  • Be careful if you are looking for a sexual partner. You should ensure that he/she is healthy, has a great lover, and that you both are on the same page.

Why Are You Tempted To End Your Relationship?

You might be unable to pinpoint the cause, but one of these reasons may help. Pay attention to warning labels when you pick the one that you like. Some things are more difficult to fix than others. Boredom. Boredom is the main reason that couples end up splitting up. It can be experienced by both men and women. It doesn’t matter if the person is able to see it or not. If she feels trapped in a routine and has fallen into a rut, she will likely try to escape. It is not enough to make every scene mysterious and choreograph each step with new steps. Boredom is likely a result of mismatched personalities, interests, needs, passions, and it doesn’t provide enough excitement. The outside world is more stimulating and appealing than the inside of the relationship.

You might be stuck with boredom if your eye is constantly wandering because your partner is too predictable. Standing Still.

Your relationship is in a stalemate, you’re stuck at crucial intersections and no one is moving in the right direction. This means that your relationship is not moving in the direction you desire. This is often the case for women.

It is more common for men to have sex or live together than marriage. If there aren’t any signs of love, it could lead to a long-term stalemate. Romantic love is almost always the driving force behind men to get married or committed. They were romantics long before women realized that love was the best reason for them to be married.

An 80 percent of college men said that they wouldn’t marry someone unless they fell in love. Real love takes time to develop. You may have just realized that you are fooling yourself. Your relationship is built on familiarity and comfort.

You were happy to find a partner who met your immediate needs but not your long-term ones. You moved to another city, met new people, or had a life-altering event.

You were unable to remain complacent. You suddenly become critical of your partner and unhappy in your relationship. However, be careful that your change of heart is not temporary.

No Chemistry. You just don’t get turned on. Although your love interest may be a wonderful person with all the qualities you desire, it might not be right for you.

You can’t convince yourself that you are attracted to someone. A 30-year-old doctor confessed that he had found the perfect woman. She was intelligent; they were great friends; they had a wonderful time together; their family was fantastic; she could be an asset to his career.

However, there was no passion in his lovemaking. He tried to convince himself to a relationship that would lead him to marriage but couldn’t improve the chemistry at the lab. He ended up breaking it off. It was not surprising that he ended up on the other side.

5 Reasons to Stay

Consider whether you are overlooking good reasons to stay before you say goodbye.

Your love interest:

  1. She makes your day easier simply because she is part of your life
  2. It makes you feel great about yourself
  3. He is fun to be around, and you want more information about him
  4. Are you able to share your love, values, and goals with someone?
  5. It stimulates your growth and helps you feel more confident.

10 Reasons to Leave

There are too many reasons to leave that outweigh the reasons to stay. Each of the following is a sign of a unhealthy relationship. You can do better!

  1. The relationship is unbalanced and lacking equality.
  2. This person was repeatedly lying to you.
  3. You were cheated on more than once by him or her.
  4. You don’t show love by canceling plans, showing up late, or breaking off dates.
  5. This person is verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive.
  6. He doesn’t pay his fair share for your living-in home.
  7. She can lower your self-esteem, hinder your growth, and prevent you from achieving your personal goals.
  8. Your partner is not open to tolerance and is dangerously jealous.
  9. You can’t make one another laugh.
  10. He was a meal ticket. Now you’re on a diet.

The Complete Breakup Guide For Men (Part 2)

In a few years, the pain that you feel now will be forgotten. You can save yourself from the pain by moving on slowly and enjoying life to the fullest.

You can have a better life and meet more quality women. You can invest more time in your career, learn new skills, and travel more.

Because you are not able to be with one woman at a time, it is impossible to connect. You must reinvent yourself to become the man you were meant to be.

Don’t chase people. Be yourself, do what you want and work hard. You will find the right people to be in your life and they will stay. But right now, it is all about rebuilding your life.

The Non Negotiable

These non-negotiables can be broken while you’re still recovering from a breakup, no matter how long ago or last week. This will make it more difficult for you to fully recover and slow down the healing process.

These non-negotiables will help you feel great and prevent you from falling into depression. Because depression can make it impossible to function as a human being. You will feel more depression from the pain of the breakup. But, it is also because you are not doing these things.

To recover from the breakup, you must put yourself in the best possible condition so that you can rebuild your strength.

To increase your testosterone levels, you should lift heavy weights at least three times per week. Vasopressin, a chemical that is responsible for attachment in the brain, is reduced by testosterone. Your body releases serotonin, the happy chemical, and vasopressin, the attachment chemical, to signal your body that you are having sex with a woman. This is because your body knows this will result in procreation.

Your body will produce more testosterone if you have less vasopressin. This means that you will feel less chemically attached to your ex.

You can also increase your testosterone by lifting heavier weights such as deadlifts, bench presses, and squats. These workouts don’t require you to be the strongest guy in the gym. Just do what you can and slowly add weight.

Exercise releases dopamine and endorphins in the brain, which makes you feel good. Keep active and your body will supply all the neurotransmitters it needs to remain mentally and emotionally healthy.

Healthy eating habits are important. Unhealthy eating can lead to a feeling of fatigue, sluggishness, and depression.

Increase your intake of chicken, turkey, fish, and other vegetables. Two green smoothies are recommended: one in the morning and one in the evening. Each one contains 1 banana, 5 strawberries and a handful of spinach or kale, as well as two carrots and four ice cubes.

Get at least 8 glasses of water each day. Your brain tissue is made up 85% water. If you don’t give your brain the nutrients it needs, your body will be in a poor state.

To fully recover and perform at your best, you need to get 7-8 hours of sleep. Depression can be diagnosed if you don’t sleep enough or are constantly awake. Depression can lead to a breakdown. You must combat this by getting enough sleep.

Turn off your phone and TV by midnight, get off social media. Instead, read a book, write a journal and listen to soothing music.

Use no alcohol or drugs to solve the problem. While alcohol and drugs can temporarily provide temporary relief for some hours, they have very negative side effects on your mental health. While I don’t say you shouldn’t drink, you’ll find yourself in a fragile mental state after a breakup. Drugs and alcohol will only increase the pain and cause you to make poor decisions that you’ll regret once you get sober.

Many drugs and alcohol are depressants that can lead to depression chemically. This is something we want to avoid.

This is not about removing alcohol from your life, but instead of trying to cover it up, you must face the problem head-on.

Avoid alcohol and drugs for at least 90 days following a breakup. Depending on how long the relationship lasted, you may need to stay away for up to 6 months.

Keep Social: Try to get out of your home at least once a week. Go outside at least two to three times per Semaine and get out into the open. You create the perfect environment to encourage depression by staying in your own home.

Staying busy is key to getting over a breakup. You can’t dwell on the loss of one person if you have a life you love.

If it happens within the first week after your split, I can understand why you want to stay in your home. After that, you should get out of your home and start to explore the world. Get in touch with your family and friends or use meetup.com to attend a few events each week.

If you don’t take good care of your body and mind, you will not be able to heal from a serious breakup. If you don’t break these non-negotiables, the pain from the breakup will last longer.

The Weekly Plan

You will also need to make a weekly plan using the information above. You keep it in your phone, on a piece paper, or on your computer. It is something you will use every day.

This is what I wrote on a piece of paper near my bed. It was the first thing I read when I woke up in the morning.

  1. Gym: Exercise 5x per week to reach 175 lbs. Swim, run, hike, and meditate daily.
  2. Healthy eating: Green smoothies, more protein, and more vegetables, no junk food.
  3. Build knowledgeformen.com for your business 10 hours per day
  4. Participate every week in a mastermind group by joining a mastermind group
  5. Toastmasters is a place to get involved every week
  6. At least one meetup.com event should be attended each week
  7. Every week, make new friends.
  8. Read personal development, entrepreneurship, success books every day
  9. Write down five things that you are grateful for each morning at 7 am
  10. Never walk past a woman you find attractive, but say “hi” to every girl that interests you.

It is possible to create five to ten things you want to live by each day. If you stick to your plan, you will start to see amazing things happen in your life.

Porn and masturbation

This is a period when men don’t have a sexual life. I encourage mild porn and masturbation, not rebound sex with other women or to have one-night stands.

This is especially true for someone who has just been through a breakup.

Although this is not a time when I would recommend masturbation or porn to a man, it’s almost like giving CPR. It’s worth taking the risk to save someone’s life by breaking their ribs.

I would prefer you to masturbate at home with porn than go out and drink and maybe sleep with someone else. This is a temporary fix or cover-up of the real problem. You, her or an STD could be more severe if you sleep with them.

Masturbation and porn can decrease the desire to have sex with women. The best thing you can do right now is to feel the pain, to self-reflect, and to start the healing process.

For the first three months, masturbating and watching porn should be limited to one per day. If necessary, increase it to every other day and gradually decrease it thereafter.

I don’t want to encourage you to become addicted to masturbation and porn. However, I don’t think it is wrong to have an urge to do so after a breakup.

In a later section, we’ll discuss getting back into dating.

Get support

This is the right time to reach out and support your family members and friends. Let your family know that you are experiencing a difficult time and ask them to support you at least once per week for 3 months.

Reach out to the people you care about. Be open, honest, and vulnerable about what’s going on.

This is not something you can do on your own. You will need to have the support of people who care about you. As men, we often think we can handle this on our own. However, a split is a serious problem. You will recover faster if you have the support of others.

To get the support and help you need, share your feelings with people who care about you.

Do not build a wall around yourself to keep others from supporting you. Accept that you are hurting and then open your arms to receiving support.

If you are still crying on the sofa or experiencing severe pain after one year, you might consider seeking professional help such as a counselor or therapy to provide ongoing support.

Don’t be afraid to seek professional or family support.

Human emotions are normal and you can feel them. A breakup is extremely painful for both men and women.

The Letter

Write down all your feelings about your ex.

What happened to the relationship?

Which incidents are you replaying in your mind?

“If I had done only this …” those stories.

What sequence of events caused the split?

Did you see any of these events in the beginning?

If you had the chance to talk to your ex, what would you tell her right now?

You can send it to her on one page or in a whole notebook. It is only for you.

This is the best place to vent all your feelings about the relationship. I want you come to an understanding and forgiveness place for everything that happened.

“I was happy to share a portion of my life with your, and I learned much about myself. But now it’s time for me to move on and start a new chapter in my life.”

This letter is not required to be sent to your partner. It is impossible to change what has already happened. This letter is for you to reflect on yourself and your relationship.

You are only opening the wound and adding salt to it if you hand the letter to your partner. Let it heal. You don’t have to think that you will get it back together.

It was a relationship that ended, now it is time to move on.

When you’re done with your letter, I ask you to take out the notebook or paper.

The act of burning a letter signifies the release and the beginning of a new chapter in your life.

It is an emotional experience that should not be forgotten. However, it is necessary to do this as part of your journey to recovery.

This allows you to accept the past and create a new space for possibilities.

Stepping Into Abundance

You need to realize that you are not alone in finding attractive women who are close to you. While you don’t need to get back into dating, you should know that there are many women who are attracted and interested in you.

You are not the only one who will be attractive to your ex. Many other women are equally attractive if they are not already.

You can visit tinder every week to see all the beautiful women in your area. It doesn’t matter if you are interested in dating, but it is worth checking out how many women live within 10 miles of your home.

You can also create a list of 25 gorgeous women you like. These women are not porn stars or Victoria’s Secret models. They are simply beautiful women you like. It is good to know there are many women in your local area that you find attractive.

It was very comforting to open the document, scroll through it and see all the beautiful women I’d chosen for it. It made me realize that there are many beautiful women out there, and I wanted to be the man these women desire to be with.

This is what you should be aiming at.

How to channel your anger in the right way

You can feel angry when you break up. What made her do that or that? Why does she move so fast? Is it because she is smiling with another man in the photo?

You can either let anger control your life in a negative manner or use it as fuel to rebuild your life.

You have the freedom to choose.

This could either be a benefit or a disadvantage.

You have the freedom to choose.

Look at your anger and pain from the breakup as a way to reinvent yourself and create the life you desire.

You will be able to recover faster if you don’t view the split as a negative or a setback in your life.

In Japanese, “crisis” means danger + chance.

Many men become blinded by danger and miss the real opportunity that a split presents.

If you are willing to look for the good in a relationship, there are many things you can learn from it.

Instead of getting angry and drowning yourself in drugs, alcohol, or excessive porn, masturbation,

Write down the goals you wish to achieve and then take action.

You can be relentless in the pursuit of your goals and become a huge action-taker. You get results by taking action. The more you get results the more you will be addicted to them.

Let’s suppose you want to be in the best shape possible. Instead of blaming your ex, run, visit the gym or buy healthy food supplements. Your anger can be channeled towards your goals.

You might also want financial freedom. To do this, you should read the best books about business, sales, and marketing. Start taking medication each day to build your business and do the work you need.

If you could have completely recovered from the breakup and channeled your anger towards your goals and were in the best shape of life, then that would make it all worth it.

It is important to stop trying to hide the pain and start to do positive things to rebuild your life.

Rebuild Your Life

Hobbies: After a divorce, get out as much as you can. What hobbies have you given up? What hobbies would you like to try? Begin these hobbies and find people who share your interests.

You are asked to think of 3 hobbies you enjoyed doing in your past or would like to do again. Then, commit to these hobbies regularly.

Goals: Write down one major goal for each area of your life, and then commit to it.

  1. Health
  2. Wealth
  3. Relationships
  4. Personal Growth

Ask yourself: “What is the first step to reaching each goal?”

Friends: Choose 5 friends you want to reconnect with or have lost touch. Losing friends from your girlfriend’s social circle

I would like you to call each of these friends and arrange a coffee/lunch/fun date. Spend time with your friend at least once per month after the fun outing.

Family: Name 5 relatives that you are looking to reconnect with or have lost touch.

Now I would like you to call each of them and tell them what you are doing. Then, schedule a coffee/lunch/fun event with them. Spend time with the family member after the outing at least once per month.

Take care of yourself. List five things you can do for yourself.

You can do these things: get a massage, meditate, read, travel, take a personal development course or coach your life, talk to a mentor, buy new clothes.

I urge you to do the following 5 things for yourself each month. Since you don’t have to spend it on your ex anymore, now you can use that extra money to take care of yourself. This is crucial for your recovery.

Kaizen: Kaizen means “to improve oneself every day” in Japanese. Each day I want you to go to bed smarter than the day before and closer to your goals. As a man, you will become more powerful the more you grow and improve.

You must realize that the end of a relationship is an opportunity to reinvent yourself and reach your goals.

This is how you can feel your pain and make amazing things happen in your own life.

Find Your Purpose

Find your true self and discover what speaks to you the most. It will help you to find your purpose and push you in the right direction.

  1. What is it that makes you feel alive?
  2. What activities can cause you to lose track of your time?
  3. What would regret you not doing, being, or having in your life?
  4. What would you do if money was not an object?

You can only reconnect with your purpose when you are focused on this “one thing.” This is one of the best ways to heal from a split. You are completely absorbed in the task and don’t think about losing this person.

You will find that there is no time for you to think about them. Instead, you are focused on your purpose and your path in life and what you need to do with your life.

You will forget about your ex and realize that you were holding yourself back from realizing your true purpose in life.

This was meant to end so you could do the “thing” you’ve always wanted and be the man you were made to be.

What to do if she comes back to you

If you stop making contact and work on improving your life, it is likely that she will be attracted to you once again. You may be able to show her that things are going well and that you have made big changes in your professional and personal lives.

These are signs that a man is not dependent, clingy, or jealous and is on his way to achieving his purpose and path in life.

This is very appealing.

Don’t do these things in the hope that someone else will follow you. No matter what, you will improve your life for the better.

If she does return to you, however, don’t let your focus shift from your purpose and your improvement on your life to the girl. You shouldn’t be trying to “get” the girl, or get her back.

Keep doing the same thing. If you feel that talking with her is worth your time, energy, and effort, then talk to her. But don’t get too excited about talking to her again.

Keep going with the same course, even if she comes along, but don’t chase after her.

After gaining more clarity and self-reflection, you can decide that ending the relationship was the right thing to do. If you feel that it is, and you believe you should be apart, you can respectfully decline her invitation to visit you.

Keep doing what’s right because it’s effective.

Getting Back Into Dating

If you’ve completed these activities and are starting to notice a desire for other women, it might be time to start dating.

This is an important part of fully healing from a breakup. If a man can’t successfully date another woman or settles for women below his standard (or his ex-girlfriend), he will feel like he has already had the best woman possible and has lost her.

This can often cause a man to try to make things work again with his ex-girlfriend, even though he has done all the work.

It is important to realize that you can date any woman you like, even if your ex-girlfriend was not the one you love.

You will love and feel loved again.

To date high-quality women, you must be a man of high quality. This is done by getting rid of all neediness, clinginess, jealousy, and becoming an individual of value.

If you improve all aspects of your life, including your health, wealth, relationships, and personal growth, then you’re living your true purpose.

You are very attractive.

This man I call The Grounded Man.

A man who is determined and pursues his goals with all of his might.

My Amazon bestseller The Dating Book for Men is a proven 7-Step System to Master Your Relationship Life.

This book is a step-by-step guide that will show you how to attract and love the women you desire.

The Awakening

I want men to wake up and pursue what is important in their lives. You can see the difference now, I’m sure.

You only live once so make the most of it.

You can have everything you want. All you have to do is be the person you deserve.

Men reach out to me most when they want to be stronger men. So I created a program to help them become their most powerful selves.

My program, The Awakening, is a three-day intensive men’s retreat that I offer in San Diego.

I assist men to bridge the gap between where they are and where they want to go, as men. I have been doing this for hundreds of men through my intensive live programs.

Last Thoughts

This has been a difficult journey and I understand that it is not an easy one. Although you are likely still suffering and have reached the end of this guide, it is just a tool to help you on your path to healing. You will need to practice the strategies in this book regularly to recover from a split.

It will not be easy and it will be difficult. There will be nights when you cry and wake up in the middle of the night unable to go back to sleep.

You will have moments in your life that seem meaningless and you feel like you lost it with your ex. But the truth is, you still have your whole life ahead of you.

This guide will help you create a new life.

  • You can get in better shape.
  • Earn more.
  • You can have a better relationship.
  • Rebuilding old relationships with family and friends is possible.
  • You can rediscover your purpose and live it.
  • You can relocate to a better place or city where you want to live.

There is so much you can live for and there are many opportunities for the future if you keep your feet on the ground, get up every time you fall, and continue to work hard.

You will get better over time if you keep going. And you’ll love and be loved again.

You should be focusing on your own personal growth. To improve your life, you must work on yourself. You can increase your worth and be the man you’ve always wanted to be. Be the man women want to chase.

Take a look at every aspect of your life, and work together to make it all worthwhile. You should surround yourself with people of high quality who do amazing things with life. Enjoy a lot of fun and try new things. Get out more and meet new people. Explore the world and take more chances. You will feel more fulfilled and connected to your life.

When you are the right man, you will find the right woman for your life. There are many beautiful women who would love to be with your man. There are many beautiful women out there who would love to be with you. There are women out there who are more qualified than you have ever been.

A beautiful woman will understand you and respect you. She will motivate you, belief in you, support you and push you to be a better man.

You are already dead, so there is nothing you can lose. You have had many close calls in life that could have ended your life. Enjoy your life and be happy to live.

Now is the time to do the work and make the life you desire.

The Complete Breakup Guide For Men (Part 1)

No contact

You can just stop.

You should immediately stop all contact with your ex if the breakup happened in recent times. This includes phone calls, text messages, emails, and social media.

For the next 90-days, do not contact her nor look at any photos or videos she has taken.

If you share the same social circle or work together, you should try to minimize or eliminate contact.

I would not recommend that you try to become friends with your ex in less than 90 days. It’s still too emotional and will only cause more pain and prolong your recovery.

Prioritize your mental, emotional, and physical health before you even consider talking to your ex.

It only makes it more difficult for you; each time you contact her, it’s almost like putting salt on an open wound. Although the wound is healing, you keep opening it up every time you try to contact her or look at old photos and videos.

You can start the healing process now by putting an end to all contact with her.

You Want Her Back

The only thing that we can think about after a breakup is “How to get her back?”

This is actually more scientific than we usually think.

Let me introduce you to the term “Homeostasis”.

Your mind becomes used to normalcy, complacency, and this is why you want her back so much.

It is a shock when you suddenly make a change in your life.

This homeostasis is influenced in large part by relationships. Breakups can shock the whole system.

Your head is spinning and you don’t know what to do. Your brain wants to be with that person again, to restore normalcy and rebuild your homeostasis.

You may think it is over but there are still chances of you getting back together. It was a time when you shared intimate and vulnerable moments together. She can’t ignore this, right?

She is an ex for good reason.

The relationship didn’t work.

Even though you shared intimate moments, it wasn’t enough to end the friction between you.

The pain of ending a relationship was greater than the pain of trying to keep it together and making it last longer.

Your relationship is not sustainable.

You tried and she tried to make the relationship last for as long as possible.

If you don’t end the relationship now, you will eventually do so in the future, when more is at stake (children and finances).

This is a way to save time, money, and energy by not being together.

It hurts me to be so blunt, but I am aware of your current situation. However, you must understand that time spent with someone you don’t want to be with is time away from someone you should be with.

You must move out of a home you love and have lived in.

You can be thankful for the split, and you are free to live the life you deserve.

Trust me.

This is not a feeling that only she can give you.

You will experience true passion again and life can get better.

Accepting that the relationship is over

Do not ask “Why?” What did I do to deserve this? What did I do wrong to deserve this?

Don’t blame yourself.

It is impossible to know why someone does something.

These questions will not help you, so stop asking them over and over. You will be in an endless loop and experience more confusion if you continue to question yourself.

You can make up stories in your head.

What if I had done it differently?

What if I had said that?

What was it that she did when she did this?

Are we still friends?

I need closure.

All I need is to make sense of it all.

I have one last thing for her.

I want to be there for her if she wishes to get back together.

I’m really horny, and I want my girl back.

All of these thoughts and questions are not going to help. You will continue to live in pain if you keep creating stories about “what if” scenarios in your head.

Instead of living a full life, some guys spend years reliving and reliving past experiences with their ex.

Sometimes a happy ending does not have to involve the girl. Sometimes, it’s you and your journey forward.

Are you able to see that breaking up allows you to become something greater?

You can move on to becoming the strongest version of yourself.

It’s not a bad spot to be.

Stop fighting for her, even if she’s not fighting for you. Instead, fight for yourself!

Remember how amazing you are. Your happiness cannot be placed in the hands of someone else. It is your chance to regain your freedom and happiness.

It is up to you to decide that you want to go on. It won’t happen by simply reading this. But you can start moving mentally and physically in that direction.

You must stand up and say, “I don’t care how difficult this will be, but this won’t get me down.” I will move on with my own life. Your potential is limitless. So go ahead and live the life you want.

3 Daily Affirmations to Regain Your Power

These 3 affirmations are loud enough to help you regain control of your life.

  1. No woman can compare me to the man I am.
  2. No woman can alter my masculinity.
  3. My amazing smile is unmatched by any woman on the planet.

You feel broken inside after a split. You felt that you were not “man enough” to be her man. This is something all women feel.

You can somehow associate your ex with all women, but you still have to admit that you are flawed.

It’s easy to believe that there is something missing from your life.

You begin to believe everything your ex said about you at the end is true.

You might have made mistakes, but they are not your fault.

As a human being, you are constantly learning and growing.

A woman can’t define her self-worth and worthiness as a man. Reciting the affirmations above daily will help you keep your inner state in control.

You were going to lose her in either direction

You were going to lose her no matter what you tried or could do differently. There is nothing you can change.

  • She will die.
  • You will die.

Take a moment to think about it.

It is important to accept the fact that relationships won’t last forever.

They come to an end, either intentionally or unintentionally.

You can either get sick and then die in ten years or get into an accident and be dead three months later. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a terrible death. Natural causes are possible, which is what everyone will experience at one point or another.

The moment you first laid eyes on one another and began to kiss, the pain of losing was there.

This is the compromise we often overlook when we fall in love.

It was inevitable that you would feel the same pain no matter what. But instead of being five, ten, or twenty years from now, you’re feeling it right now.

The breakup is actually good for you because you and no one else died.

The world is at your fingertips.

Now you have the freedom to be with someone else again and to live a more fulfilling life.

Accept the fact that you will experience pain now, regardless of what.

All relationships that are “perfect” will eventually end.

Losing someone you love is not something that happens alone.

You did nothing wrong.

It is a fact of life that someone will eventually die.

Be happy about the ending of your relationship and enjoy the wonderful memories you shared together.

These lessons can be applied to your life and your next relationship to make it even more wonderful.

Handling Social Media After A Break-Up

I can understand why you are upset and possibly pissed off. This is something I have done in the past and I want you to avoid it. The role of social media in our lives is important today. Here’s how you can avoid regretting using social media after a split.

Switch your social media profile to “In a Relationship” after a split. You shouldn’t put “Single” on your social media profile. This is a rude gesture to your ex, and it’s a way of showing the world that you are trying to rebound. You don’t have to tell your social media friends about the current status of your relationship.

You don’t have to unfriend her or unfollow them. Instead, you should have a way to “hide” posts from her so that she doesn’t have to be followed or kept up to date with all her activities.

Stalking her and her friends via social media will make you insane, cause more pain, and slow down the healing process.

Do the same for her friends, so you don’t get their updates on a daily basis.

It’s difficult to accept that she is not a part of your life anymore.

Take control of your pain

Let yourself grieve and feel the pain of the breakup. Let your emotions flow, dammit!

Men have a problem: We tend to keep our emotions inside, and pretend they will go away by themselves. Men often mistakenly believe that feeling emotions is a sign of weakness. However, you may be in great pain due to the loss of your partner. Instead of trying to ignore or push it away, you must accept the loss and accept the pain.

You can ignore the pain and prolong healing. It will also haunt you for years if you don’t address your emotions.

This strategy will help you face the pain head-on.

  1. Allow 2 hours of mourning for the first week after the breakup.
  2. Allow 1 hour of mourning per day for the 2nd week after the breakup.
  3. Allow 30 minutes each day for mourning during the third week of separation.
  4. Allow 20 minutes each day for mourning in the fourth week of disintegration
  5. Allow 10 minutes each day of mourning after 4-8 weeks of separation.
  6. Allow 5 minutes to a maximum of 16 weeks for the breakup.
  7. 16+ weeks of the breakup, allow 1 minute each day.

*The length of your relationship will affect how long you spend together. If necessary, add more time.

Allow yourself to fully experience the breakup for the duration of the relationship. Don’t be afraid to let your emotions out. It is not wrong to feel your emotions. Unfortunately, too many men keep the pain of a breakup in their heads instead of experiencing it. This only slows down the healing process.

After the time limit expires, you can stop and pick yourself up again. Then, go on with your day. You must be able to get up from the floor and not just lie there in pain the whole day.

This is to make sure that the breakup doesn’t dominate your thoughts for 24 hours. Instead, acknowledge that you are still recovering from the breakup and that you will take your time to heal.

You may find that you no longer need the allotted time and that it is a bother to give your ex more time.

This indicates that you are making progress and your ex is less involved in your life.

It could happen again in the future, so you can simply re-evaluate this strategy until her thoughts diminish slowly.

This strategy will allow you to get rid of the pain faster than dragging it out for years.

The 5 Stages Of Grief

Let’s look at the five stages of grief and how they relate to the breakup.

  1. Negating the event and isolating oneself. Making up stories about how things were better and focusing on the positive memories. This can lead to a lot of emotional distress.
  2. Anger phase: When reality hits, you realize that the person you have been closest to is not going to be there anymore. This phase is usually at night and often leads to alcohol abuse or drug abuse. It is best for men to channel their anger in a healthy and positive way during this phase. You will feel more depressed if you combine the pain of a breakup with drugs and alcohol.
  3. Bargaining. Negotiating, threats, changing, making changes, and promising to be better. This is when the man becomes too dependent and clingy which drives the woman away. This type of bargaining mentality is prevented by “no contact”.
  4. Situational depression is when you are stuck in bed staring at a wall for hours, days or weeks. Accepting that this is part of the healing process will help you function better than if your focus is on the despair you feel.
  5. Acceptance: Finding peace with the loss and moving on. Acceptance: Being at peace with your loss and accepting that it was necessary. Let go of the past and move on to a new chapter in your life. Although you may still be sad, you are now free to move on and let go of any possibility of your ex getting back together.

Which stage of your divorce are you currently at?

Can you see the phases changing with time?

Understanding the phase in which you are at the moment will allow you to understand the reasons you feel the way you do. This will enable you to accept the current state of your emotions and not resist it.

Instead of ignoring the pain, feel it and be present to it.

It is not about fighting emotions. Accepting them and embracing them will help you heal from any pain. And with time, this too will pass.

While many things can be fixed in this life, relationships between people are often not.

The other person is already on a ship that is setting sail. You can’t be together anymore because you aren’t meant to be together anymore.

Understanding the Biology Behind a Breakup

In the 21st Century, where billions of people live together, the human brain wasn’t designed to survive. It makes sense that if one person dies, the other one may also die. This would make it so that they would not be able to survive for long periods of time, if not their entire lives.

A woman can give a man everything he needs, including the ability to have children, care for them, and love and connection.

This was a dangerous situation for a man who lost his wife suddenly. Today, however, there are billions upon billions of females in the world. There are currently millions of women all around you, so you have endless options for finding what you need.

Our brains aren’t as advanced as our times, so we still feel the same emotions that we might not be able to survive or get through life after a breakup.

It is important to distinguish between reality and what our primal brain feels.

You can find another woman and you will love her again.

It’s going to be OK. In fact, this guide will help you to survive the breakup.

The male mind wants to reproduce with another woman. To make you happy, connected, and attached to another female during sexual moments, your brain releases chemicals such as serotonin or vasopressin. Your brain wants to keep you connected with that female so you can procreate.

Your body is sending chemicals to your brain telling you to stay with the woman. Your brain knows that your chances of having a child are higher if you stay with a woman for a longer time. This is exactly what your brain wants.

You are genetically wired to desire sex in order to eventually procreate.

You are therefore actually under the influence (made in your brain) of drugs to keep you connected with a woman. This is what we call “love” today. It can drive you to make bad decisions and sacrifice your needs to continue receiving “love chemicals.”

A man experiencing a breakup is also experiencing a withdrawal from love chemicals such as serotonin or vasopressin. This is similar to what drug addicts experience when they try to get sober.

Both are in great pain and will do whatever it takes to get the drugs they need to feel better.

After a breakup, it is not always the woman you want back but the chemicals you miss. Although you may not want her back, you have developed an addiction to the chemicals your brain releases when you spend time with her.

This is why it is important to understand that these chemicals can be obtained from another woman.

If you have recently broken up with someone, you should stay single for at most 6 months. However, you need to realize that you are not the only woman who can make you feel that way.

It’s often not her. In most cases, it’s the chemicals you want. Many women can also make you feel those chemicals.

Trust me when you say that you will find another woman to love and be loved again.

Your ex-girlfriend has moved on

After a breakup, one of the most difficult thoughts for a man is to think about his ex with another man.

This can be the hardest part of a split, especially if it seems that she has moved on faster than you.

She appears to be happy going out with friends and has photos of herself with other men on social networks.

It is more of a strike against your ego than anything else.

This can frustrate or motivate men to harm themselves, their women, or other people.

This energy must be stopped and controlled.

Accept that she will be out having fun and dating other men.

Do not react to her behavior by forcing yourself to have sex with other women.

Start dating when you come from a place where there is abundance, not scarcity.

Although you may not be ready, it is a sign that you are ready to let go of your relationship.

Men can get angry at the thought of their ex moving on quickly. In a later section, I will share how this is a good thing and how you can make this anger work for your benefit.

Clarity is Key

You should be alone in nature without any technology. I recommend that you bring a pen and paper so you can think through the breakup. Spend at least an hour outside writing.

The top five reasons for the split are listed below. Next, you will need to take out 2 of these reasons so you have only the top 3.

Write down 10 things about her that you like, and 10 things about her that you don’t like.

This is a sign that you are not able to list 10 things you like about her. However, you might find it difficult to list 10 things you love about her.

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Are her efforts worth it?
  • Did she make you a better man by making you feel special?
  • Did she reflect your values?
  • Did it have to do with sex?
  • Are you willing to suffer for her?
  • Did I settle with this woman?
  • Can I do better?
  • Are you afraid I won’t find someone else?

Now think of 10 women you have had a crush on. Imagine all these women dressed up and looking at you.

Would you be willing to walk up to your ex-partner?

What can you conclude about the dissolution of the union after answering all the above questions?

These questions will help you to get a better understanding of your life in the past few months. If you answered no to many of these questions, it may be a sign that she is not compatible with your long-term goals.

What is the average time it takes to get over a breakup?

There is no perfect formula. However, it is possible to take half of the time.

Give yourself six months if it was a one-year relationship.

It can take up to 2 years for a 5-year relationship to heal completely.

Every relationship is unique and will experience different levels of love and connection. You must allow yourself to heal fully and to grieve the loss of a loved person.

You will be able to love again and fully recover. It will take some time.

Contemplating Suicide

This is the sign that you should not kill yourself.

Your unique talents, skills, and creativity are needed around the world. You have the potential to make a difference in the world.

Sometimes, all it takes to keep fighting is a sign to let you know someone cares.

Although suicide doesn’t eliminate the possibility of your life becoming worse, it does remove the entire possibility that you will live a happier life.

Even though you feel like you are in terrible pain, don’t lose heart and give up on your life. You may feel as though you’re in a terrible nightmare, and you feel hopeless. But keep fighting for the next day.

You can build inner strength, courage, and resilience by never giving up on yourself.

You’re here for a reason, and ending your life is not the way to success.

Stop contemplating suicide and make a commitment to living a happier life.

You are right here.

You and I.

I understand that you don’t want to die. You just want the pain to stop.

Let me show you how I do it.

*If you need someone to talk to immediately, then please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) or visit suicidepreventionlifeline.org

Understanding The No Contact Rule And 5 Grief Stages

Denial

What To Expect

  • This is unbelievable.
  • Are you curious if it is possible to give them another chance?
  • It was hard to tell the difference between real and fake.
  • Analyzing what was said and done, and sometimes blaming oneself for the actions of others is a form of denial that takes away responsibility. It is tempting to break the No Contact Rule.
  • Feeling as though you are in a fog.
  • Try to be their friend.
  • Waiting for the I Made A Mistake Call… text/email/tweet/Facebook message

You will feel denial regardless of whether you are triggered by anger or simply because you know you cannot take another day dealing with this person. It may vary depending on your situation. This stage may be present before you started the No Contact Rule. It starts with trying to accept that this is happening and to decide to do something about it. If this has been going for a while you may have realized something was wrong, but didn’t want to admit it. You might also be worried about making a mistake, or feeling guilty for their behavior.

It might have been a difficult time, even though it was prolonged. You might not have been able to accept that you aren’t in a relationship that you can be friends with immediately. Or, perhaps you underestimated your ability to cope. Sometimes, it is as easy as not being able to accept that you aren’t compatible.

If you’re not aware of the seriousness of the problems in your relationship, it is possible to lose sight of the No Contact Rule and fall off the wagon.

If you are in denial about the end of the relationship, it can be detrimental to your No Contact Rule efforts. You may openly or quietly seek validation from them to ensure you don’t feel rejected.

This stage is where you may feel the realization that you are done for or feel rejected. You will likely feel a lot of emotions, including anger, frustration, and shame.

It is an important part of grieving. This is your mind’s way to do a little shuffle and allow yourself to process reality in smaller, more digestible chunks. This stage of grieving is only possible if you aren’t someone who views truths that don’t fit your agenda as unacceptable.

Your self-esteem and ability to deal with disappointment, rejection, or abandonment can drop, and it can become more difficult. This is due to the lies you tell yourself about yourself and the person you are blaming for their actions.

If you have been rationalizing, minimizing, minimizing, and exacerbating things you didn’t need to be, then the No Contact Rule and the subsequent breakup can be difficult. It’s similar to doing end-of-year accounts and having all your receipts and paperwork thrown out. It’s partly about reconciling your perception of things with reality. There can be some very painful realizations. This is why it may be easier to pursue the relationship against all odds than confront the truth.

Anger

What To Expect

  • Be angry at yourself.
  • They are very angry.
  • It is tempting to tell others all about yourself and lash out.
  • Feeling overwhelmed by your emotions
  • Perhaps you are thinking of revenge.
  • Ruminating is a habit that you do at night or when your mind is at rest. If you respond, it may lead to you texting or calling your loved ones.
  • Feeling like you can’t move on.
  • Feeling depressed, bitter, or even convinced that you are miserable, while Riley lives the Riley life.
  • If they have moved on, why not me?
  • Resolving past hurts and rejections, and sometimes even getting angry at your family for childhood problems.

Anger is a natural emotion but is often misunderstood. It comes from feeling wronged, offended or denied, and can also be triggered by denial. Although this stage could have started before the end of your relationship, you may have kept your true feelings hidden or been arguing with your partner. Sometimes, it can be a delayed reaction or realization to certain truths. Other times, it may just be anger at the fact that your expectations and hopes for the relationship failed to materialize.

Anger is a valid, normal emotion that everyone experiences. It helps us make sense of our thoughts and feelings. Recognizing our anger and allowing ourselves the space to express it, even if they are to ourselves, helps us to better understand ourselves and validate ourselves. Anger is a normal emotion that is part of grieving for the loss of a relationship. It is okay to get angry if you are wronged or do things that are not in your best interest. Anger is normal.

Many people feel shameful or even snobbery about anger. They believe that only certain people can get mad or that it is wrong to feel angry. Or that anger all equals rage. This is false. Rage is uncontrollable, violent anger. Anger is often associated with early or very difficult experiences. This can impact your ability to express anger and also to experience anger as part of grieving. It is possible to feel guilty or angry for feeling it. This No Contact Rule period can be a great time to learn how to accept your feelings and to work with anger.

This stage can be difficult because of the painful realizations you may have after stepping into reality. It will be clear that the more you are able to please and turn to green-light behavior into a positive, the more you feel hurt and angry. You may also feel like a pressure cooker if you’ve been subject to humiliation, deception, or rejection.

  • It may be easier to be angry at yourself than with your ex. This is what can lead you into blame and shame territory.
  • If you suppress your desires, needs, and expectations, you might be surprised at how angry you feel.
  • It is possible to feel angry all the time, especially if you continue feeding it with shame, blame, or snooping. This can make it hard to get over it. It can lead to anger about the fact you are angry.
  • Your anger may lead you to take control of your emotions and then act on them. This could lead to you feeling embarrassed or humiliated.
  • This can cause you to be angry at a lot of people.

There are a few key reasons why you might feel angry.

  • Feeling unloved, neglected, and disregarded because you felt undervalued. No Contact helps you value yourself.
  • You feel frustrated, unloved/uncared-for, and disregarded because you trust others. No Contact helps you distance yourself from the source of your pain, and teaches you how to trust yourself and set boundaries.
  • Shame can make you feel frustrated, unloved/uncared-for, and disregarded. No Contact encourages you to not take responsibility for the actions of others and to learn from them instead.
  • You feel unloved/uncaring and disregarded because you feel rejected. No Contact helps you get rid of the root cause of your pain, and allows you to be present and focused on yourself.

This is the feeling of injustice. You want to make things better and feel that you aren’t getting your chance. You may become obsessed with injustice and feel that it is about you or you’re worth. This is when you might feel tempted to tell your ex everything about yourself. You might end up with an entire list of angry drafts and texts, or you may find yourself halfway to their home ready to confront them only for your eyes to well up. You may end up destroying every photo in your collection and feeling remorseful and regretful.

This stage may be overwhelming and may last for a while. Or you might find yourself oscillating between the other stages. This is normal. It could mean that you are trying to get rid of some of the grief issues that you have or that you need to make a conscious effort to let go of something you keep reliving. It’s not necessary to ignore your feelings. However, if you continue to ruminate over the same issue but don’t move beyond it, anger can become a security blanket and reinforce a story that you tell yourself.

It is important to learn how to manage anger, have bad days, and come out on the other side. Every time you do this, you discover a little more about yourself. Talking and writing about the problem can help you get it out of your head. It’s trying to make sense of it, crying, and sometimes screaming when there’s no one home.

Recognize that anger does not mean you have the right perceptions or are correct in your assessment of the situation. It is about acknowledging that these feelings are valid and valid. You are in control of your emotions. You can be angry if you are able to accept it. Then you will understand why it happened, how to deal with it, and ultimately, what you can do to improve your ability to serve your needs, desires, and expectations.

You won’t feel your emotions during the No Contact Rule or beyond. This will make it difficult to recognize what was missing in this relationship and how you can cultivate them.

It is important to learn how to move past your anger, rather than being stuck in it. It will rattle around inside your head, causing distortions in your perception and perspective and eating away at your sense of self. It’s not going to go away. This anger must go somewhere. Right now, it’s in your head.

Bargaining

What To Expect

  • You can come up with new ideas to help you return to your relationship.
  • Pray that if X happens, you’ll do it Y.
  • In an effort to enter into negotiations, it is possible to break the No Contact Rule.
  • Ruminating on the ‘If only.

Bargaining is something you’ll have experienced since the end of a relationship. It’s where you negotiate and reach compromises with your partner or in private.

If you are still in a relationship and have started the No Contact Rule, you will come up with a compromise. It is likely to be a compromise that requires you to compromise your own self. If I don’t lose him/her, I might be able to try an open relationship.

You may bargain with the person you believe in, with you, or with this person, making promises about what to do if your prayers are granted.

You could bargain with the person to try to negotiate a better deal, e.g. You can stay if I don’t make any demands.

If you have experienced anger and denial after cutting contact, you may feel the urge to break No Contact Rule. This is because you are either bargaining with your self or with a higher power you believe in. If you do fall off the wagon you will end up bargaining with yourself, them, or both. This will most likely lead to you being compromised as you are not coming from a place that is logic or dignity. Your ego, possibly even desperation, drives the desire for bargaining.

You may feel buoyant when you get to the bargaining stage. Even if you’re tinged by shame and blame, such as “If I’d been thinner then they wouldn’t want to look elsewhere” or the “If I’d answered that phone that night” or the “If I hadn’t listened [to my] concerns] friends and family.”

Even if this is only for a brief time, it can make you feel hopeful. Unfortunately, this will set you up to experience disappointment again.

It’s possible to feel tempted to break the No Contact Rule at this point. Many people find this confusing as they think, “Well, I’ve been through anger and denial so why now?” Sometimes, when we recognize that we are processing and distancing our emotions from someone, we self-sabotage to avoid facing the changes and possibly uncomfortable feelings. It’s easier to be scared than to put your faith in someone else to change.

This is not the stage to stay in. You may decide to try to buy time so you can come up with a plan.

We are not trying to end contact if we feel tempted. However, our decisions are often made in isolation and are often not based upon reality. Instead, we look at a unique set of circumstances that must be met if the other party is to change.

The bargaining stage is when you feel trapped by your grief. You can try to stop feeling rejected by the loss and seek out attention from your ex.

You will be tempted to bargain and make deals that will give you the freedom to have the relationship on whatever terms you want. This will lead to you being complicit to your own detriment and will also expose you to pain that may embarrass you or humiliate you.

I would rather have him on all terms than without him. It’s possible that things will work out. He’ll be more understanding, and when I get back in touch, he’ll be relieved.

Depression

What To Expect

  • Sometimes, it can feel overwhelming to be caught off guard by the loss.
  • Crying suddenly
  • Feeling despondent.
  • Feeling rejected – I wasn’t good enough to …”
  • You may feel sad about the past loss or anger you didn’t resolve.
  • Blaming yourself.
  • Realizing that it has been X number of weeks or months since the No Contact Rule was started and feeling guilty about not having done it sooner.
  • Feel like you have lost your investment.
  • Remorse.
  • You feel like you can’t get over it, even though you may have forgotten that you actually felt better for getting out of this situation.
  • You don’t have to feel guilty, but you do.
  • Fear of not thinking about them enough and then becoming overwhelmed by thinking.
  • Fear of moving on, whether secretly or openly, and being able to continue your life with a new purpose and get on with your life.

Depression is unresolved anger that has been turned inside. It can also be a deep sadness or disappointment that you don’t know how to deal with. After you have gone through all the stages, and realized that the relationship is over, the No Contact Rule is necessary and that the other person won’t change, depression will occur. This understanding can cause you to feel very down. It can be very disheartening to realize that any bargains you make with others or yourself are a waste or very painful.

No Contact Rule can help you regain your power, rebuild your life and you might feel sad that you don’t have enough power over them to make them remorseful, change their ways or feel enough regret to attempt to remove your No Contact Rule walls.

It can be difficult to cope with this feeling if you are able to see how toxic the person is, but still feel a strong attraction to them. It’s easy to feel a lot of shame and blame. But, the truth is you are human and loved. You may be able to recognize that the person was certain things, but it’s still grieving. It takes time for your feelings to adjust to the new reality. It won’t help to be impatient with yourself and judge yourself for not getting over it sooner.

Your involvement is likely to have had a significant impact on your life. If you are required to go No Contact Rule, you must realize that it’s understandable that this process takes time. You should not let the disappointment get you down. If you feel depressed, it is likely that you are judging yourself. Regardless of the fact that it didn’t match your relationship or person, you may still feel entitled to the desired outcome.

Sometimes, when you’re No Contact Rule, you can feel depressed. Realizing that it’s been a month or six weeks and that you still think of them frustrates and angers you. You feel guilty that they still exist and you end up feeling like you’re failing. Sometimes, the entire way you think about them is just a habit and not a sign of any feelings towards them.

A person’s involvement can also lead to a loss of hope and even shame. It may appear that this person walked away with all your options, or worse, that they left with knowledge about something you are most critical of. You may feel ashamed for sharing something you didn’t like. This alone can make you feel discouraged about the possibility of failing again.

Most people have difficulty accepting loss and disappointment. This is made worse by the pervasive culture that doesn’t take mental health seriously or attaches unnecessary stigma. It’s not surprising that so many people keep their emotions to themselves. Instead of avoiding the truth, they should talk about it and not isolate themselves in a bubble of shame, blame, or rumination.

It’s perfectly normal to experience downtimes, no matter how short-term or long-term. These thoughts and feelings are part of your grieving process. It may take several months to get through a long-lasting relationship or one that was very traumatic. But you will get there. You will get out of this mess if you take care of yourself and can work through your emotions without allowing them to control you. It will take more time if you let your thoughts rumble around in your head and beat yourself up.

Although this stage is normal, it can be very debilitating. It is your judgments about yourself and your attempts to hide your feelings that can cause depression. Although you might feel depressed, you may not be actually experiencing depression. It is when you feel this way for a prolonged period of time that you need to take steps to get better.

Acceptance

What To Expect

  • You will one day realize that you can still think about them without feeling your heart sink to the ground.
  • It suddenly dawns on you that you have been so busy and happy, you haven’t even thought about them in a while.
  • You are making and realizing plans.
  • You are calmly happy about yourself.
  • You may feel a little sad, but it won’t be enough to make you feel bad.
  • It doesn’t feel like they are trying to reach you.
  • It’s not important to think of yourself as a No Contact Rule. You’re simply living your life.
  • You will stop trying to be The Good Guy / Girl doing the right things for them, and instead do the right thing.
  • You won’t be friends anymore with them or plan to be friends in the future.
  • You’ll feel less angry and sad, no matter if it’s toward yourself or others. You’ll be more at ease. You can’t go wrong.
  • You won’t wish that things were different.
  • You will stop rationalizing the irrational.
  • You won’t want to fix them or wonder how it would feel to have a relationship with them.
  • Sometimes the blame disappears completely or shrinks. They won’t be held responsible for everything. Instead, you will be accountable for your contribution and will need to focus on building better relationships.
  • You will realize that your worst fears are not realizing your fears.
  • Accept the ending as it is and forget about worrying about what might have happened.
  • Accept the relationship and realize it’s OK.

When you are aware of the end of your relationship and all your efforts are directed towards avoiding contact with the source of your pain, then you will be moving between stages of grief. However, you can remain committed to yourself and continue living your life. You won’t feel it as a sledgehammer, but instead, it will slowly creep up on you and you’ll stop resisting the temptation to end this relationship.

This stage will set you free. You will be able to experience the other stages first. You will experience the other stages first. It is normal to move back and forth between them.

The Unhealthy Relationship Pattern And How To Break It

If there is an unhealthy dynamic, then the person will know that if they do X, they are more likely to do Y.

The X symbol in your relationship can be interpreted as either an indication that you should respond in a certain way or a cue.

These cues and triggers will influence your actions, thoughts, and emotional reactions.

For example, X could refer to the person who is starting to blow cold or lukewarm. Y could be your attempt to get them to blow hotter.

They quickly learn that if they act in this way, they will try harder or do certain things. They figure out how they can get more from you without needing to do more. They figure out what they can do to get the best personal benefit, which is likely to be one that doesn’t tax them in areas they don’t want to spend. For example, emotions, effort, time, accountability, responsibility, commitment, money, respect etc.

If they are doing something that is not comparable to your efforts, or that they did not get the benefit without integrity, it shows that they do not have to try and that you are flexible and willing to please.

They conclude that X +Y equals Z. Until you stop responding to the same cues or triggers in your relationship, they will continue to believe it’s just business as usual. You will continue to fall into the same traps, wondering why they do it.

You’ve learned that certain responses can generate a short-term benefit that feels like a “benefit” and that this is why you cry wolf. It’s because they feel it generates enough response to provide a temporary fix. However, they still hope that this person will behave differently this time… even if they aren’t. You can’t look beyond the immediate gratification and even your ego, which can lead you to try to solve or soothe problems with unhealthy ‘fixes. This could leave you open to the long-term consequences.

No Contact Rule is a way to ensure that the triggers and cues you are receiving do not have the same effect on you. You can change your thinking and habits so that they no longer affect you. People who consider No Contact Rule are often disappointed or hurt because they have fallen for the same traps repeatedly.

You don’t want your feelings of hurt, disappointment, and availability for unhealthy relationships to continue. Instead, you can go No Contact Rule. Keep following No Contact Rule until you are so comfortable with your new habits that you no longer care what the other person is doing. You will be happier and healthier, so it won’t appeal to you to fall back into old habits you don’t like.

We help people understand what they should expect of us. They get a sense of how they can treat us. If there are no consequences or little, they become the norm. No Contact Rule helps to create boundaries in this dynamic. If you have been neglecting to set boundaries or suppressing your needs, desires, and expectations in the name ‘love,’ this person will expect you to do certain things, even after the relationship ends. They will assume you are still available and can come up anytime they want. This is not true.

A Good Example Of How A Cycle Can Be Broken By Ignoring The Contact Rule

This is an example of how a person can see that, in or out, they have you under their nose and are likely to respond in the way they expect. This means they can extract any benefit they’ve come up with, even if it’s just getting an ego boost from the security of knowing you’re still there.

  1. PHASE 1 – They Fast Forward you during the initial stages of your relationship. You respond positively, even though you are strangers.
  2. PHASE 2 – They begin to relax and show their true selves, which may not be the same as the original advertisement. If you feel unseated blame yourself and chase them harder.
  3. PHASE 3 – They try to end the conversation but then tap you for an ego stroke or shoulder to lean on.
  4. PHASE 4 – They cut down on contact and no longer respond to text messages. They allow themselves to continue their behavior in a “Well, if they don’t value themselves why shouldn’t I?” attitude. This is a way of saying that their behavior is legitimate.
  5. PHASE 5 – After a while, or even years, they send you a text message or a Facebook message. You pick up right where you left off with very few barriers to entry. This is confirmation that you haven’t changed and that they still have a backup plan. It may be enough to make them disappear once again.

This example shows that when you are in an unhealthy relationship with someone, regardless of their actions, you continue to attach the same or similar meanings and respond in a similar way. You would be able to see the lackluster, neglectful, and shady behavior of this person if you both changed your responses and addressed their meanings. It would be clear that no matter what you thought this person was doing in PHASE 1 they have become someone who is unsuitable for a relationship. What happened in PHASE 2 reveals the truth about what they did in PHASE 1. They used speed and intensity to disarm. If you continue to respond to their behavior and situation by making it about you, you are giving them airtime and space in life. Instead of acknowledging their actions and telling them to bounce, you should recognize what they are doing.

Let’s now imagine that you feel their behavior in PHASE 2 and you are able to say no contact.

They try to reach you but are met with silence or lack of action by you EQUALS. This is their cue that something is wrong and they haven’t received a response as expected.

This is when they sense that you are not responding in the way they expect. They may feel out of control and want to know if they are correct. They will use this as a cue to up the ante with Fast Forwarding and Future Faking. This includes fixing you with their puppy dog eyes, threatening to change, or claiming they have.

They try to contact you again, but this time with a much greater effort. If you don’t reply or you continue to ignore them, they may assume that you aren’t playing ball.

You continue to ignore their attempts to reach you, plus you keep sending the EQUALS message loudly that their behavior is unacceptable and that while they may have been able to get away with certain actions, it will not happen again. You can continue living your life as normal and not rely on others to make changes.

Let’s say they met with silence on the radio and you were hoping they would change.

You respond positively to their contact by accepting their contact and assuming that they have changed EQUALS. They receive a cue that you are still interested in the original offer (but not actually available). Plus, they get the cue that you will respond as long as you blow hot.

They will revert to their former position if they feel secure and in control of you. I have heard of thousands of people who have gone through this. Only for them to disappear or make a “big mistake” in matter of days or hours later. This is not something you should be doing. Your happiness and future depend on other people making positive changes.

While you are still in a relationship with them or trying to get them out of a relationship, it’s not possible to expect them to do different things. They’ll think you’re expressing frustration and that if you give them time you will forget about it. They will tell you what they want to hear, then make a few gestures and then move on to their agenda.

You can rest assured with the No Contact Rule that this won’t happen. And that regardless of their aggressive or passive behavior, you will be able to assert your rights and not allow them to dictate your life. No Contact Rule can help you realize that you matter and to rebuild your life with healthier habits.

Understanding The Breakup Dynamic

No Contact Rule Breaks Unhealthy Habits

Did you ever tell someone it was over or made threats? Then you found yourself backsliding again and changing your mind. You may have a pattern of getting back together and breaking up, or keeping your word even if you say you are done. This is a sign that they have been believing, subconsciously or consciously, that they can do what they want. You were probably scared the first time you uttered the modern-day dating equivalent of “WOLF!” They were likely scared when they first shouted ‘WOLF!

  • “I can’t bear this!”
  • “We are done!”
  • “Well, piss off to your ex then!”
  • We’re done! You got me?!”

They will be able to tell if you are a crying wolf by the fact that you are still there. You’re constantly expanding your horizons to accommodate their behavior, and they learn that you can.

“We’re done!” It’s an empty threat, they learn. It’s over until you panic about where they are, who they are doing, who they are, and how you can resist/get over them.

“Well, piss off to your ex!” You take them at their word, and they come back to you to return and you even offer to be the Other Woman/Guy so that you can keep them in your lives. You can also apologize for what you said and for the behavior they displayed.

We’re done! You got me?!” You stay, and they do it again. They know that they have the freedom to do whatever they want. They know you are a ranter, a threater, but they don’t think you are a mover or shaker. They were afraid the first time you raised hell. Perhaps even the third, fourth, and tenth times. They realized that you were mostly talking and figured out the dynamics between you two. They don’t believe it’s a threat because you’re still there. Or, at the very minimum, they consider you their best option.

You can temporarily experience a power shift by crying wolf. These situations are so frustrating that you can miss the memo that it has the hallmarks of a get-the-hell-out-of-dodge situation because you’re too busy trying to get things on your terms and battling your own insecurities that are likely part of the reason you think that this person is as good as it gets.

You’ve likely tried many different methods to move forward in your relationship, but instead, you find yourself in a vicious cycle. They are either too hard to shake or you feel the need to go back to the relationship crime scene. You keep repeating how unhappy you are, but you continue to be miserable. Crying like a wolf is a sign of an unhealthy relationship between you and your partner. It also indicates that you have unhealthy thinking and behaviors that lead to you living off the crumbs of others while neglecting your needs, desires, and expectations.

Your ‘enough moment’ is when you feel the most empowered and motivated. You know your self and you would probably not be reading this if you didn’t trust yourself.

You came to this place because of something. Now you must build on it. To make the No Contact Rule a success, but also to improve your relationship habits and be happier, and eventually to find a better relationship, you must understand why you have that pattern.

You may have already fallen off the wagon, become petrified of the next call/email/text/Facebook status and how you might react, or you’ve become paralyzed by the reality of telling this person to take a run and jump, and have gone in search of some information to bolster your decision. Let’s face it, you aren’t going through a breakup like a run-of-the-mill relationship. You weren’t in a boring relationship. I meant that if there was mutual love, care, and trust in your relationship, you wouldn’t be applying the No Contact Rule unless one of them had changed dramatically after the breakup.

You are not the only one.

Many people have found themselves in difficult situations, such as mine. We feel for someone, want a different outcome, but keep trying to solve the problems the same way we got into the relationship. This is clearly not going to work.

At the beginning of this process, you need to understand that your relationship, or ‘involvement, is a series and sequence of interactions that have combined to form the pattern of your relationships. Your own set of patterns and habits are yours. You have learned from each other what your habits in this dynamic mean.

As I have explained to many people struggling to get out of a relationship that is barely there, particularly those who are wondering if they should even try. The pattern of your relationship with this person and the dynamics between you help them form assumptions about what they will or won’t do. This is crucial for you to grasp.

They will make assumptions about you, whatever you’ve done in the past, and won’t change their mind until they have significant information from the No Contact Rule.

They take so much comfort in their pattern that even when they aren’t there, they believe you will behave in the same way they expect. This could mean that some people will feel so secure in your love that they are able to go on with their lives, but then they’ll suddenly come back into yours to disrupt it. They think you are so crazy about them they can feed off your adoration and their distress in your absence.

You must exceed the longest time you have been apart or not communicating with each other. To end the pattern, you must cut contact with each other for at least 7-12months if you have been apart for more than a few weeks. This is the only way to get rid of it – many people have tried and failed.

This is why it happens. Even if you believe you have made a lot of progress in the past few months or weeks, but your relationship has not been broken up for more than one year, they will respond to you. When you have been dealing with someone who is a hot-headed jerk, it is only when they realize that they are not getting what they want that they receive a signal to their brain that they must shift gears and’strike. This message may indicate that they may not be as in control as they thought and may make them seek confirmation. If they decide to contact you, this is the time to be clear and assertive. By not being ready to have a relationship with them that they are still refusing to offer.

If you are eager to take in all the attention and promises of them, you will again show that you are a crying wolf. They will see your attempts at the No Contact Rule (no matter your original intentions or convictions) as a game and will feel confident and in charge again.

Your habits must be changed if you want to make positive changes in your life and break free from an unhealthy dynamic. People tend to try to change their thinking and behavior to be more compatible with others. This is called “game-playing”. This only encourages unhealthy behaviors and eventually leads to deeper relationships. You also become distant from your core self, your needs, desires, and ultimately your identity.

If your ex or soon-to-be-ex stops taking you seriously, and figures out the “pattern”, which is similar in that it is able to open your door and allow you back into your home, then you will realize that the No Contact Rule is the best way to communicate that you don’t care about them anymore, that you’re serious and that your relationship is over. You need to convey a completely different message to someone who has been following you around like flies and enjoyed the ego-stripping to some degree, even though things didn’t work out. You don’t want them to be a jerk and ask for your help, but they will get the impression that you are ‘there’ to abuse them and take advantage of them. Furthermore, you can’t continue to project the image of someone who is okay with not having love, trust, and respect.

No Contact is about changing your response to the cues or triggers. This in turn changes your patterns and leads to a change in your behavior. You must respect the No Contact Rule. This not only shows that you are not going to engage, but also that you are a valuable, worthwhile person who is committed to their happiness.

How An Unhealthy Pattern Is Established

If there is an unhealthy dynamic, then the person will know that if they do X, they are more likely to do Y.

The X symbol in your relationship can be interpreted as either an indication that you should respond in a certain way or a cue.

These cues and triggers will influence your actions, thoughts, and emotional reactions.

For example, X could refer to the person who is starting to blow cold or lukewarm. Y could be your attempt to get them to blow hotter.

They quickly learn that if they act in this way, they expect you to try harder or do more. They figure out ways to get more from you, without needing to do anything. They figure out what they can do to get the best personal benefit, which is likely to be one that doesn’t tax them in areas they don’t want to spend. For example, emotions, effort, time, accountability, responsibility, commitment, money, respect etc.

If they are doing something that is not comparable to your efforts, or that they did not get the benefit without integrity, it shows that they do not have to try and that you are flexible and willing to please.

They conclude that X +Y equals Z. Until you stop responding to the same cues or triggers in your relationship, they will continue to believe it’s just business as usual. You will continue to fall into the same traps, wondering why they do it.

You’ve learned that certain responses can generate a short-term benefit that feels like a “benefit” and that this is why you cry wolf. It’s because they feel it generates enough response to provide a temporary fix. However, they still hope that this person will behave differently, even though they aren’t. You can’t look beyond the immediate gratification and even your ego, which can lead you to try to solve or soothe problems with unhealthy ‘fixes. This could leave you open to the long-term consequences.

No Contact Rule is a way to ensure that the triggers and cues you are receiving do not have the same effect on you. You can change your thinking and habits so that they no longer affect you. People who consider No Contact Rule are often disappointed or hurt because they have fallen for the same traps repeatedly.

You don’t want your feelings of hurt, disappointment, and availability for unhealthy relationships to continue. Instead, you can go No Contact Rule. Keep following the No Contact Rule until your new habits are so well-established that it doesn’t matter what the other person is doing. You will be happier and healthier, so it won’t appeal to you to fall back into old habits you don’t like.

We help people understand what they should expect of us. They get a sense of how they can treat us. If there are no consequences or little, they become the norm. No Contact Rule helps to create boundaries in this dynamic. If you have been neglecting to set boundaries or suppressing your needs, desires, and expectations in the name ‘love,’ this person will expect you to do certain things, even after the relationship ends. They will assume you are still available and can come up anytime they want. This is not true.

A good example of how a cycle can be broken by ignoring the contact rule

This is an example of how a person can see that, in or out, they have you under their nose and are likely to respond in the way they expect. This means they can extract any benefit they’ve come up with, even if it’s just getting an ego boost from the security of knowing you’re still there.

  1. PHASE 1 – They Fast Forward to you during the initial stages of your relationship. You respond positively, even though you are strangers.
  2. PHASE 2 – They begin to relax and show their true selves, which may not be the same as the original advertisement. If you feel unseated blame yourself and chase them harder.
  3. PHASE 3 – They try to end the conversation but then tap you for an ego stroke or shoulder to lean on.
  4. PHASE 4 – They cut down on contact and no longer respond to text messages. They allow themselves to continue their behavior in a “Well, if they don’t value themselves why shouldn’t I?” attitude. This is a way of saying that their actions are justified. However, it’s actually their character and habits regardless of whether or not you are there.
  5. PHASE 5 – After a while, or even years, they send you a text message or a Facebook message. You pick up right where you left off with very few barriers to entry. This is confirmation that you haven’t changed and that you are still their backup plan. This may be enough to make them disappear once again.

This example shows that when you are in an unhealthy relationship with someone, regardless of their actions, you continue to attach the same or similar meanings and respond in a similar way. You would be able to see the lackluster, neglectful, and shady behavior of this person if you both changed your responses and addressed their meanings. It would be clear that no matter what you thought this person was doing in PHASE 1 they have become someone who is unsuitable for a relationship. The events in PHASE 2 & beyond reveal the true nature of their actions in PHASE 1. They used speed and intensity to disarm. If you continue to respond to this situation and their behavior by making it about you, you are giving them airtime in your life. Instead of acknowledging what they are doing and telling them to bounce.

Let’s now imagine that you feel their behavior in PHASE 2 and you are able to say no contact.

They try to reach you but are met with silence or lack of action by you EQUALS. This is their cue that something is wrong and they have not received a response as expected.

This is when they sense that you are not responding in the way they expect. They may feel out of control and want to know if they are correct. They will use this as a cue to up the ante with Fast Forwarding and Future Faking. This includes fixing you with their puppy dog eyes, claiming they have, and promising to change.

They try to contact you again, but this time with a much greater effort. If you don’t reply or you continue to ignore them, they may assume that you aren’t playing ball.

You continue to ignore their attempts to reach you, plus you keep sending the EQUALS message loudly that their behavior is unacceptable and that while they may have been able to get away with certain actions, it will not happen again. You can continue living your life as normal and not rely on others to make changes.

Let’s say they met with silence on the radio and you were hoping they would change.

You respond positively to their contact by accepting their contact and assuming that they have changed EQUALS. They receive a cue that you are still interested in the original offer (but not actually available). Plus, they get the cue that as long they blow hot, they will respond.

They will revert to their former position if they feel secure and in control of you. I have heard of thousands of people who have gone through this. Only for them to disappear or make an “I made a mistake” statement within days or hours. This is not something you should be doing. Your happiness and future depend on other people making positive changes.

While you are still in a relationship with them or trying to get them out of a relationship with you, it’s not possible to teach them different expectations. They’ll think you’re expressing frustration and that after a while they will forget or accept the inevitable. They will tell you what they want to hear, then make a few gestures, and then move on to their agenda.

You can rest assured with the No Contact Rule that this won’t happen. And that regardless of their aggressive or passive behavior, you will be able to assert your rights and not allow them to dictate your life. No Contact Rule can help you realize that you matter and to rebuild your life with healthier habits.

Cutting Off A Narcissist

If you are serious about No Contact and have been dealing with a Narcissist or suspect they are due to abusive behavior, it is important to put your ego aside and listen to what I’m saying in this chapter. You will feel far less pain later on than what you are currently experiencing.

What is absolutely critical to recognize here is that it doesn’t matter if they’re a diagnosed narcissist (or sociopath/psychopath) or whether you suspect them to be – the fact that you would suspect someone of this issue speaks volumes about what you’ve been experiencing. It would be foolish to try to be an exception to the rule. Narcissists are not able to love, and their mind operates in a different way than a person with empathy. Yes, it is possible for this person to love you and behave well. However, that would be like saying you would rather live your life trying to collect water from an empty well than getting high off the occasional drip.

There is no contact rule – there are no exceptions

It is not possible to have partial contact with a narcissist while trying to be their mate. You are just a token in their never ending attention jar. They don’t understand nuances. So while you might feel that you have a reason to respond or reach out to them, they simply think “They love you.”

You’ll find that the No Contact Rule, which is based on sociopathology and narcissism, is the best way to get your life back. You have two options: you can feed them or you can focus on why you got involved in the first place. You won’t be able to cut it off or make them feel like they are losing control. This is a tough lesson that you need to remember. You don’t like being treated. The difference is that you don’t suffer from a personality disorder. This means you can stop trying to combat it and just accept the fact that you are coming from the same viewpoint. Narcissists will abandon you before you can see them as they really are and move on. They will not tolerate you cutting off.

Do not remind them to stop contacting you. Even responding to say you don’t want them contacting you, or reminding them why it is more than just contact. They will goad, goad, and bait until they get the response they desire. They will move on to another target unless they are stalking or dangerous. Don’t respond. Block as many contact forms as possible to make it easier for you. They will then be able to get your attention on their own terms.

They won’t like it if you don’t pay attention. It’s as if their ‘role’ is to be attention slaves. They see people that way. While they may be annoyed, their only purpose in getting in touch with you is to place them back in the same role. They don’t feel feelings or empathy, so you won’t change.

Don’t try to outthink them

Don’t worry about what the next move will be. You won’t know what they are thinking unless you’re a narcissist, sociopath, or both. To get an idea of what to expect, draw a chart. Mark the highs and lows. Also mark when contact was made. Note how they respond to criticisms, conflict, your asserting your rights, or you saying NO. This is what you should expect.

Stop Justifying

You should not feel the need to explain, engage, or both. They cannot empathize. This is the logic: Whether you are a narcissist, or not, you believe that this person has empathy issues. So why would you continue trying to explain your position to them or give yourself trouble for not understanding it and empathizing with you? This is absurd. Do not engage with them. While it’s fine to try and understand how someone behaves or lacks compassion and care from afar, it is not a good idea to engage with them. It’s like trying and repair a broken leg with a chainsaw.

Do not be a puppet

You can think of yourself as a puppet when you engage with a narcissist. They will believe that you are pulling at their strings, and you will be able to play the role of The Great Narcissist at The Royal Assholery Theater. You don’t have to play the part. You might be thinking that you are able to come up with your role in the play or even start saying lines that don’t belong with the role. You will be squashed with such ferocity they can take your breath away.

Don’t ‘Fire Shots’

Don’t tell them anything about yourself as a parting shot. Do not tell them about yourself. You shouldn’t. If they’re a narcissist or narcissistically inclined person, you should know that you don’t tell them. You simply walk away.

Do not fall for the Apology Trick

The next thing you know they will be asking you to apologize. This is an attempt to get you back into the Harem by pressing the Reset Button. Never apologize – Narcissists interpret it as a way to apologize for their actions. It may seem that they will accept your apology, but you will regret it when they get their teeth into you again.

Do not make your pain public

They may also keep an eye on you to make sure you are miserable. You can message them back and say “Leave us alone!” They don’t feel guilty and they get some attention. You shouldn’t post statuses on Facebook about how your life is falling apart, or that you haven’t had a good night’s sleep in the past month. And don’t allow anyone to talk about your business. Do not tell them you cannot stop thinking about them, or that they are your only hope.

Attention in the form you’re miserable is attention. For a narcissist that’s all that matters, it’s attention. They don’t need to be there to get that attention. They feel as happy knowing that they are miserable without you. This knowledge is not removed by the Contact Rule.

You can stop scratching the narcissistic attention itch. It might seem impossible at first, but if it doesn’t get scratched, eventually, you will be able to move on with your life. You will be back every time you scratch that contact itch, especially since being with a narcissist can be pretty traumatizing. You are reminded of someone you grew up with, most likely from your childhood. You must address this issue so you can stop thinking that someone who is great on one day but terrible on the next is normal and acceptable.

Dealing With Threats After The Breakup

Sometimes, a person can become desperate when they feel out of control and use something they know works or try it for the very first time. Due to your response, they continue to use these methods to control your agenda – threats. You cannot make them responsible, regardless of whether they threaten to harm you or yourself or to cause retribution. You will find yourself in a similar situation next to your partner.

If you are a victim absorber or fixer, threats can do a “wonderful” job of getting you to comply.

There is no simple way to handle suicide threats or self-harm. I can only tell you that hundreds of No Contact Rule people have been panicked by ex-partners’ claims that they are on the brink of doing something. Either they were worried about the past of the person or scared by it being out of character. It is easy to add two or more and conclude that your ex has suffered serious mental and emotional harm.

It happens, regardless of whether the situation is a common one or not, and most people respond to it. However, they often discover that the person is far from serious, and claims to have ‘forgotten about the incident or worse, that the concerned ex is being melodramatic. There is always the possibility that the person is serious, but you must be careful about what you do next. It is not possible to opt back into the relationship in order to avoid the threat. This immediately makes the relationship unhealthy and codependent. You can either help each other or make it clear that you are not able to manipulate.

You cannot let them harm you or themselves.

  • Call the emergency services if you believe they are threatening suicide or self-harm. You may think you are equipped to handle the situation. Even if it were possible to calm them down, this is not the case. These are real threats that require professional attention. You could endanger yourself by trying to solve their problem.
  • Be prepared to see them if you decide to go. You can be upsetting but you should just let it go and get back to your family.
  • It is best to contact a friend or family member if this has happened in the past. This can be tricky as the person making the threats might not respond well to your actions, but it is their threat that has put you between two rocks and a hard spot and they do not have the right to take that responsibility.
  • Do not ignore threats to your safety or property, or your family or friends. Especially if there’s a history of abuse in the relationship or you are aware of previous complaints/convictions for stalking and abusive behavior. Do not try to be the exception. Don’t ignore their threats. Keep track of all your activities and contact local law enforcement. You might be the first to discover that they are not the only ones.
  • A restraining order can be applied if you are afraid to leave your house or have a lot of anxiety about possible threats. Sometimes, it is the wake-up call that someone needs. This order should not be broken by you. Respecting it is crucial in helping abuse to get taken seriously. It could also give your ex leverage, which could lead to this whole mess being twisted around.
  • It’s not about them; it’s about their thoughts and feelings being displaced. You have violated the No Contact Rule. They must deal with this loss, which can bring up unpleasant feelings from past experiences. While it is understandable to keep an eye on them, you can’t restart the relationship or try to save them or control their threats. You’re not that strong. You are not doing anything wrong by keeping the distance or ending the relationship. These threats only serve to highlight how important this decision was and still is. This is a very toxic situation. This treatment is not appropriate, regardless of what happened in the relationship.
  • These threats can’t be dealt with alone. There is nothing to be ashamed about and it is not worth keeping these threats secret. These situations are very distressing and you should talk to your family members and friends. You can gain some perspective by talking about it and seeking out help.
  • This situation may be similar to an event in the past. If the person’s behavior is bringing up an old wound such as not being capable of stopping a parent from doing something harmful or being blamed for their boundaries violations, it is crucial to distinguish between the two experiences. Professional support is also an option to help you put the past traumas behind you.
  • You will eventually feel as if you don’t have any life left if you let this person run your life. Love is not intimidation or guilt.

Your “Get Out Of Relationship” Plan

You may feel that you can’t do the No Contact Rule or LC if you are still living with the person. You may feel the same way about yourself. To go full No Contact Rule, you will need a Get Out Plan.

A Get Out Plan is a coordinated effort to help you end the relationship and prepare for ending contact. This is a great option if you have things to tie up, if you’ve been off the track before, or if you are dealing with someone who is very aggressive and will pursue you relentlessly. Extra controlling types who want to know your whereabouts every hour of the week, or who are adamant that you’re with someone else, will try to make you feel upset and/or dump you. You can use a Get Out Plan to take time to prepare yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically. Instead of panicking and jerking out, it allows you to be prepared to deal with the situation. They’re especially useful for people who can’t see beyond the immediate or are prone to second-guessing themselves. Flip-flappers (you and them) love to Get Out Plans. It’s almost like slowly weaning off drugs or cigarettes. It won’t seem like as big a leap when you finally make it.

Before you implement this plan, there are two important questions that you should ask.

  1. Are you willing to end the relationship? Or are you looking to buy time so that you can stay invested and try to change the person?
  2. How much worse can you be treated? Or how much drama would you like to get into before you’re done?

A Get Out Plan might not be right for you if you aren’t sure if you want to end your relationship. Be careful not to get sucked into further drama or be mistreated. There must be a point where you can stop being manipulated. You’ll notice that when you take a step back, your perspective and objectivity will allow you to see the bigger picture and you will be able to see the real motivation to make and keep the break.

Set a deadline

It shouldn’t be a fake deadline that you promise to move in order to get more time. It should be challenging, but realistic. Don’t make it too long that it becomes a joke. But don’t make the deadline so short that it makes you panic and make you reschedule.

For long-term relationships, it shouldn’t take more than 6 months to 1 year. Ideally, it should only last 1 to 3 months. You could aim for a three-year plan, but the Get Out Plan is about a concentrated effort. The longer the plan, the more likely you are to deviate from the course. Because you can’t rely on your emotional readiness to get out, you will never be ready. You need to concentrate on the actions and habits that will help you to increase your willingness to go and support you emotionally.

Be careful not to let your ex or soon-to-be ex get away with abuse. It doesn’t mean that they are perfect. It is important to be realistic about your situation and not rely on the hope that they will change or you won’t have to do anything.

Or, choose the Next Big Thing

For those who find it difficult to set a date, you can go with the Next Big (Shitty), Thing that Happens. It could happen next week or tomorrow, the only problem is that it may. It is common to have an idea of what they might pull, or our personal level of upset. You can use this information to help you make your decision. I promised that he would not pick an argument with me again or make me feel insignificant the next time he did. Do not let him get away with his agreement. This will cause distrust and weaken any remaining confidence.

Believe in someone

Because of the feeling of accountability, it is widely recognized that sharing goals and plans with others can be a motivator. It can be tempting to keep it secret, but if you change your mind, no one will know and it won’t affect how much you stick around for. If you are stuck in your emotions and keeping your pain and experience a secret, it is not possible to sanity-check your decisions or get the support you need. You can tell a friend, family member, or co-worker the deadline to ensure that you adhere to it. You can also talk to a therapist or counselor about your situation.

If you are in an abusive relationship, it is especially important to confide in another person. You might worry about being judged or that nobody will believe you. However, this is not often the case. Many victims of abuse find it extremely helpful to speak to their coworkers. For example, if they try to see a professional, suspicion might be raised. However, a coworker will not be suspect.

Slowly adapt your habits slowly

This is the secret to everything – gradually withdrawing and adapting your routine is key. Distance gives you objectivity, which allows you to see the person and your relationship more objectively. It also means that the end of the relationship is less painful than having to break off from old habits. What is this?

Say “Yes” Less

It’s a great time to spend at least a week just looking at what you say and do on a daily basis. It may surprise you to find out how few times you say no, and how often your needs, expectations, and wishes are being ignored in favor of what you believe people want to hear. You won’t get out of the relationship if you say yes every time. It will not lead to a healthy romantic relationship.

Other plans can be made when you’re not available. It is liberating to say no, rather than accept it as a default. Even if it’s not your intention to make plans or stay home, you shouldn’t refuse any invitation to go out. You can reduce the time you spend together by dropping one meetup per week if you have a 3-month plan.

Instead of causing shock to yourself and others by saying no to all things, build your confidence slowly. Start small and work your way up.

Don’t take every call

People who answer every call in drama-ridden relationships are usually available 24/7. It’s time to stop it. Let’s suppose you normally speak five times per day. Now, it is possible to drop to four and then three. You can expect them to become angry, irritated, or even hot when you do this. But they won’t pay any attention. Do not explain that you are reducing your calls. Just say that you are busy with work, a friend or whatever else – make up anything if necessary! You can even tell them about your increased workload and line them up for the lower calls. If they call you from your home, unplug it.

Refuse to reply to messages and emails

Double or triple your usual response time, or don’t bother responding at all, no matter what it is. If they send you a text the night prior, it is a great idea to reply in the morning. Even if your thumbs were a bit twiddly, it makes you appear busy.

Reduce late-night calls

Many smartphones have a “Do Not Disturb” setting that allows you to stop receiving notifications and ringtones after a set time.

Stop engaging

You can gradually distance yourself from them, but they might react to your sudden change and start to fight back or question you about what you did. Do not. Do not. Engage. Don’t explain. They will be completely taken aback. You can do all the things you normally do and still create drama. Tape your mouth and sit down.

Pay closer attention

Do not take what they have to say as fact or fall for lustful behavior. Instead, pay more attention to their actions and listen closely to what they are saying. Also, observe how your behavior changes around them. This will help you see the effect on the dynamic. Keep a Feelings diary, which basically tracks your moods and any changes in them. These are useful for identifying cues, triggers, and typical responses.

Get ready for sex!

Although I love getting laid, sex can cloud judgment and put you in the Justifying Zone. This is where we go when we continue to invest because we are sexually/emotionally invested but don’t want people to think we have made a bad decision. You may believe that all the happy hormones floating around is a reason for you to stay. You will be less likely to seduce them if you see them less.

Alcohol should be avoided

You should not get too drunk or if you feel like your passion or drama is being fuelled by alcohol, then it’s time for you to reduce the amount of alcohol so that you don’t get distracted.

Enjoy more time with your friends and family

It is possible to learn to love yourself, and spend time alone, which can be one of the most rewarding things you can do.

Find meaning in your life and embrace your family and friends. Or, find activities that allow you to meet new people.

These relationships may have suffered from your involvement. Take some of the time to start repairing them. You don’t have to be alone. Even though it may hurt to admit your mistakes, it won’t stop you from being part of this relationship. You can always return to these relationships if you don’t feel capable. Check out Meetup.com.

It is possible that you end up starting the No Contact Rule fully before your deadline. The great thing about withdrawing from a cycle is that you can see the problems and how you feel. One reader told me that she had planned to take three months off her No Contact Rule plan. She realized how absurd this was after she made a shift in her behavior.

Listen to your body while you are doing the Get Out Plan. Take note of what you are feeling stressed about, where you feel panicked, and when you feel happy and why.

If you find yourself distracted from the goal of the No Contact Rule, assess what you are afraid of. This will help you determine if it is a fear about what is actually happening, or if it is an irrational to fear. Also, compare what you know about your relationship with this person to see if it is rational. You can use the internet and local resources to find help if there are any areas you are having trouble with. This is a time to commit to your plan and get ready to jump. You can continue to validate what you are doing and remind yourself why you made this decision. This is possible.

How To Deal With Possessions During The No Contact

No Contact Rule or No Contact Rule, breaking ups can often include the small matter of handling possessions. This includes both getting and returning yours. It’s better to address the problem of possession early than to leave it. This is for your emotional well-being and to avoid getting nostalgic if it’s hard. It’s better to deal with the issue now than to wait for the future.

You must organize your possessions immediately if you want to cut contact. Do not rush to implement the No Contact Rule and then organize your possessions in a hurry. This will only make it more stressful and will hinder your efforts.

If you don’t have the No Contact Rule, giving or taking back possessions acts as final communication. This can help those who are inclined to share their thoughts. You can ask for their possessions or leave them at their home if you have been thinking “I should tell them that I’m going No Contact Rule”.

It is important to reiterate that you should not use taking possessions or giving back property as a way of opening up dialogue. This will only lead to conflict and make you do the No Contact Rule again, which will cause you even more headaches. It may even slow down the process if you listen enough. You may become nostalgic or make excuses, and then decide to take One Last Chance Again. You still have to manage possessions.

Start by going through your entire home, cleaning out everything that 1) belongs to the person or 2) is a memento of your relationship.

Focus on the cleanup and be thorough. Once you have gathered everything, you can put them together. It may be helpful to bring a friend along if you are feeling upset. However, choose someone who will be understanding and kind. Then you can get on with your job. It doesn’t matter if someone is trying to distract or confuse you. You may feel awful, and I understand. But put some music on and treat it as a cleaning session. You can quickly reclaim your space if you get it over with.

What should I do?

  • Any value, whether it’s monetary or mental.
  • Give back CDs, books, iPods, iPads, laptops, TVs, cameras, mobile phones, photos, and other mementos/possessions. They can be given back toiletries that have value (i.e. Include them if they have proper cosmetics that are properly named and at least half-full.
  • You can return clothing, including any purchased items. You don’t have to look for missing socks feet, but you might find them.
  • If they have not told you otherwise, engagement rings should be returned. If that’s the case, I would consider your selling options. They are a great little vacation. My old one was intended to be sold, but I forgot about it and then sold it several weeks before my wedding. The cash helped me tremendously – thank you ex!

Returning their stuff

  • You can either call, email, or send an email to let them know when it’s face-to-face. Also, give two dates and times that they can collect (or drop off). You can make it difficult for them to understand if you don’t give enough details. They will need to choose one of the dates or suggest another.
  • Send one reminder email to request that they pick up the items. This will ensure that you have proof in case of an issue. If they don’t, they will be assumed to no longer require the items and the items will be donated. You don’t have to remind them if they fail to comply with the No Contact Rule. You can also return the items to your friend, particularly if they aren’t willing to collect them or provide you with a place to send them.
  • Peace of mind can be priceless, so if you have the means to do so and if it is a small number of items, pack it up and send it via courier or post. Make sure that it’s signed for so they can’t claim it was lost or receive proof of delivery. Drop them off if they aren’t home. You can also send the item to their office if it is small.
  • It is important to note that many courier companies require a mobile/cell phone number. This allows them to contact the recipient within hours.
  • You should ask them to give you a list of all the items they have left. One woman, I know of gets called up by her ex every few months, or sends her texts complaining about missing spoons. They were split up in a matter of a year!
  • It will make packing up easier if you get a list from them.
  • You can’t be held responsible for damage if you don’t help your parents pack their stuff.
  • If you have a lot of stuff, set a time and date for them to visit and take it all. Then make sure to be scarce while they’re there. It saves awkward conversations and I know of people who ask their parents or friends to watch over things.
  • It’s illegal to intentionally damage or destroy objects.

Find your stuff

  • If you haven’t yet broken up or moved out, I recommend organizing your stuff. Particularly if you are concerned that someone may destroy or sell your items, you should do so. It is possible to ask a friend or family member for help or put the items in short-term storage. Be careful not to remove too much stuff if you don’t have the items broken up.
  • Give them a few days and times that you can visit their home or drop them off. You can do it via email or phone, and you can also follow up with text messages. In the communication, state that they will not be able to do both of these days or times and suggest alternative options.
  • You can arrange to have the items delivered to you by a courier or friend.
  • It is your responsibility to make sure that the person collecting/packaging the items receives as complete a list of the things as possible.
  • Do it slowly and carefully, aka don’t stall the retrieval in order to keep contact.
  • Keep any receipts that are important to you in case someone claims for something you own.
  • If they refuse to return the item, especially if it is of sentimental or high value, it may be necessary to take legal action. This is a difficult decision because of the many stories I have heard that ex-partners won’t return items given to them or made for their loved ones. However, you have to consider the emotional and financial cost of going after this person. They won’t be able to take your memories. Sometimes, once they realize that they don’t have any control over you and you are willing to let go of it, they will return it.
  • Do not vandalize their property when packing up. This should be obvious, but I know of two people who poop on the stuff of their ex-partners and then cut off all their clothes. Yes, they ended up in court.

Joint possesions

  • This discussion should be held before the No Contact Rule. This is a natural part of a separation or breakup.
  • You may have done this as part of the dissolution.
  • You will need to divide up items you have purchased together based on their value or attachment.
  • It may be easier to have a legal process such as a sale or divorce through your solicitors, or a mediator. However, it will cost less if it is done amicably between you. It’s only going to make matters worse.

What to give away for a rainy day? Memory triggers and some gifts

  • Put all your ‘nostalgia equipment’ in a shoebox. These include concert tickets and movie tickets, photos, and anything else that may evoke memories.
  • Photographs can be taken down, passport photos removed from your wallet or purse, etc.
  • You may also have other items that they may have given you, such as books, jewelry, clothing, and electrical goods.
  • If you are going to lose your mind every time you don that top or bracelet or pass that book, you might consider getting a larger box and putting them all away until they’re better. You might decide to either sell them on eBay or donate them to your local charity shop.
  • It should be returned if it is emotionally connected to you. If it’s not, you should throw it in the trash. You can recycle it. You can get the sofa reupholstered, or customize your shirt. Get creative!