In the ‘olden days, that is, before email, instant messaging, Facebook, and Twitter, breaking up was still difficult but much easier. Because technology wasn’t able to give people the same level of access to your life as today, it was more difficult for someone to do so. Yep, you heard me right – lazy access.
Technology is great, but it has a negative impact on my ability to date. It makes me feel emotionally distant, lazy, and opportunistic. This allows them to create an illusion of interest that doesn’t exist or at least not at the level we think it should. You could distinguish between effort and crumbs in olden times. If you were broke, you were broke. To find out what their activities were (and vice versa), it was necessary to call, write, or be present outside their home, work, or among their friends.
Modern breakups can be confusing and difficult because it’s possible to remain connected with an ex in so many different ways. There’s all that ‘let’s be friends, let’s touch base’, and ‘I don’t want to appear immature by defriending. The next thing you know, months, or even years, have passed and you realize that your life is still stuck because you have been dealing with an ex. They may have even started a new relationship. Some people are so casual with relationships, that they don’t want to even date. Others want to just casually meet and then have a casual breakup. This allows them to keep going as they are.
Breakups can be about ending relationships, but what many people fear is actually breaking up, letting go, and moving on.
Many people are having difficulty breaking up. It’s almost like trying to bring life back into a dead body. It is now easier to set realistic expectations and offer everything you have in the hope that they will love you and commit to you. There is a fear of the end and a constant fear that you might lose your investment. Fear of not speaking to them again, or being forgotten about. The fear that you might make a mistake in a situation that you actually correctly judged. And the fear that they will spontaneously become a better person and a better couple… without you.
Many people want to end their relationship but leave the door wide open for their ex to keep their foot in it in case they make a mistake. This also makes them a backup option.
It can be difficult to break up. While there are many factors that could make it more difficult, such as low self-esteem and the other party not respecting your wishes, most people feel the pain because they are unable to recognize the need to endure the short-term, and possibly even medium-term pain in order to gain the long-term benefits. It’s even harder when the other person won’t let you go. This means that you won’t have the opportunity to grieve the loss and allow yourself to move on. You’ll likely conclude that they are still trying to find out if you want to be with them. They just don’t know-how.
While I don’t deny that it was difficult to end a relationship, my parents didn’t have to endure half the bullshit tactics that we do. This is because technology and casual relationships were not accepted by society. They might have had a discussion, resolved to end the relationship, and then went their separate ways. They could either pick up the phone or write a letter to the other party. Or, they could walk to them. They had limited options, but now there are many options to avoid real communication.
Modern-day breakups are often accompanied by lazy communication tactics that do not communicate much. The person sending them may be scared and lazy, while the recipient might perceive them as low maintenance. It’s evident that the breakup occurs after a series of discussions. Then comes the one-line text, tentative emails, or calls at 2 AM in the morning. Readers have shared with me their stories of spending hours staring at emails or texts trying to figure out what it meant. {I kid you not when I say that some of these texts say stuff like “Great match tonight”; “I hope you’re not still mad at me…”; “How crap is this weather today?”; “Check out this joke…lame joke follows” and even “Hi”.|You’d be shocked to hear that some texts include things like “Great match tonight”, “I hope you are not still mad at me “How bad is the weather today?”,” “Check out this joke …lame follows” and even “Hi”.
After months of not hearing anything, a random and often pathetic joke text or email appears. This is supposed to bring about something from the receiver. It often does, because we believe attention is attention. We are often so eager to hear from someone we have been involved with that we forget to consider the quality of their attention and the context of their behavior.
Let me be honest with you: If you went out with someone semi-decent, they would have enough empathy to understand that people need space when they break up.
They are the type that, when you tell them to leave you alone for a while, will respect your wishes. However, the type that you should cut contact with is not capable of empathy and will only focus on their own needs. This doesn’t mean they are incapable of empathy. However, it does indicate that they don’t use it because they want to be the center of your universe. It’s about being comfortable. If they feel that their relationship is working, then you should. You can make them feel better by making them feel better by not cutting contact or giving them sex. This means that even if they don’t have anything more to offer, or even less, they will still want to be involved in your life.
They assume you are sitting there, eating ice cream by a tub, drinking tea and biscuits, and trying to make it through the day, waiting for them to give you some contact. You are often what you think, and it is time to change things.
Acceptance is also necessary that we are willing to engage in or even start lazy communication while seeking validation and attention. Modern breakups often involve a lot more ambiguity than the usual sex, virtual, and formal sex. It is easy to become involved in games and passive aggression. This can be in the form of pretending to follow an ex’s plan while actually having our own goals that we are trying to achieve. The next thing you know, expectations are being managed.
Many people have learned to expect crumbs in modern dating. They believe the crumbs are bread, but they are just crumbs. No Contact Rule ends all these shenanigans.
Based on our upbringing and our experience in adult relationships, each of us has a different idea of love or what a relationship looks like. Some of these beliefs can be very unhealthy. A lack of boundaries is the main problem that can lead to low self-esteem and unhealthy relationships. We either don’t have enough or too few, or we don’t enforce them. This book will use the term “boundaries” a lot because:
- You need them for yourself;
- They are necessary for anyone you are cutting contact with or in any of your relationships. Boundaries teach people how to treat you and teach them what you accept and don’t accept.
No Contact creates boundaries. This is something that I can assure you, and it’s what you really need.
Boundaries are your personal electric fence. They allow you to decide what you will or won’t accept. It also allows you to make sure that your life is in line with your values. Boundaries set limits. No Contact Rule has decided to withdraw from the program because you have exceeded your limit.
Inadvertently, a breakup creates a boundary between you
Both. Although it is not common for people to end up in this way, boundaries can help you recognize your feelings and preferences about how you would like to be treated. Breaking up creates a new boundary that signals that your relationship is over and that any privileges or fringe benefits you enjoyed previously are no longer available. You can’t continue to act the same way after a breakup. It’s impossible to expect, need, or desire the same level of behavior from another person. How can the other person accept and understand that it is over? How can you move on in your body, mind, and spirit? If your actions don’t communicate that the relationship is over, then you will struggle with emotional pain.
It may seem tempting, but you can’t have your cake and eat it as well. You will be the one who gets the short end of your stick, and that person could be you if you are considering cutting contact.
- It’s impossible to say it’s over, then try and control what they see, do, and where they go.
- It’s not possible to say it’s over, then be mad at someone who gets involved with another person or starts living a normal life.
- They cannot expect to meet your needs, but they will keep coming back with the same fringe benefits.
- They won’t tell you they want to leave but will keep your money in their back pocket for a rainy-day option.
It’s easy to see that if you don’t set boundaries and keep taking your ex back, you become someone of diminishing returns. You do the same thing as before but get even less. This is the root problem in your relationships. You need to adjust your expectations, needs, and wants to accommodate the fact that your relationship isn’t working out and should end. They must also realize that they can’t have the same access outside of the relationship as they enjoyed while in it.
People who need No Contact Rule often are those who want your emotions, ego-stroking, and shag. They also need a shoulder to cry on, without the ‘trappings of a relationship.
People are able to do things they couldn’t before. It’s partly due to lazy communication methods such as Facebook, emails, and texts. But it’s also because it’s possible. It’s just that they have more options to muck you around and that the social consequences of not being married or in a relationship have decreased over the last couple of decades. They want to communicate with you because you are still there, and they often do this to show that they still care.
It took me a while to understand that there are certain people who can’t be committed. They can’t promise to be with you, and they can’t promise to stay away from you. Do not let this happen if you have already spent your whole life trying to make someone like this change.
Commitment resisters in relationships are the driver – they have more power and set the terms. Even though you, as a passenger, will have your own commitment issues as well as being unable to give up control of your behavior when you are confined by the driver. They do what they want without thinking about how it will affect them. They live on their own terms. They will make insincere gestures of concern and care, but their priorities are getting a shag or an ego stroke, or a shoulder to cry on, or all three. They are also easily ‘turned on by’ absence, and they get obsessed with the rush of desire that comes from ‘beginnings’ as well as the panic that follows when someone stops dancing to their tune.
They will flip-flop all around you, hanging around like an annoying scab, but they will keep a firm grip on your life. Because they need the security to know that at least one person is out there wanting them.
Their view is that you are broken up and have the option to cash in a loan.
If they have a need, you should be available and willing to help them. There are many stories about people who abandon healthy relationships. This includes marriages and engagements. People who leave are often hurt because they let themselves be lured by sex, history, chemistry, promises, or ego. Then they feel like a cruel joke and regret the loss of their personal happiness or relationship.
In modern relationships, there are few restrictions and a lot of desire to move on quickly and avoid hurt feelings. This makes it easy for relationships to become unworkable.
It was evident in the ‘olden days’ if you didn’t move on. Many people are still struggling to move on, and they seek out emotional airbags from people who have been there for them. It’s not as easy to commit crimes in today’s world like it was in our parents’ day. We like to keep the door open “just in case”; there are many loose ends. If we’re honest with ourselves, we get too concerned about how things will turn out and how we feel. We are more comfortable with the familiar than the unfamiliar, and we feel powerless.
Fears of breaking up with someone, dealing with them after they return in touch, fear that they might change and become something great, and fear that you will be left alone. You may have unhealthy love relationships that make it difficult to break up with someone.
The No Contact Rule can be used to tell that person to run and jump, or at least to step back to give you some privacy. Importantly, the No Contact Rule is all about taking control of your life and taking care of your needs. To understand why it is difficult to leave and which situations are more likely to make you need No Contact, you will need to determine what you need to do to get on your way to a healthy life with your self-esteem intact.
People have been divorced fifty times. FIFTY. People are trying to get rid of an ex they split with decades ago. People who are approaching retirement are telling me that their lives are falling apart because of the ‘torture’ of spying on Facebook and email affairs that never materialized.
Only one life is possible. You have better things to do than to be tied to someone who doesn’t truly value you.
This book is not about breaking ups. It’s about empowerment and how to close the door to a relationship so you are available for something better. You are not being treated well if you have a relationship that demands No Contact Rule.
It’s important to have some time to heal from a broken heart. It’s easy to get too concerned about your image in a world where everyone is obsessed with it. You can easily spend too much time worrying about how your friends will perceive you on Facebook, or whether your ‘everyone’ perception of you will be. When the truth is that your breakup requires you to set boundaries. You have to manage your emotions and maintain a positive self-image. It will be difficult to please everyone.
Learn how to let go of people you don’t want and live a happier life. Even if you don’t want it, learn how to let go and not allow the negative effects on your life to affect your ability to move on. The No Contact Rule is a quick guide that will help you avoid being someone you can rely on or “fall back on” for a rainy-day option. It also helps you get out of situations where you are being exploited or worse, abused. This is about letting go of any relationship or involvement, regardless of how it ended. If you view yourself as broken every time you have to end a relationship, this can impact your future involvements.
You can end a relationship that is deteriorating with dignity, but you must also accept the fact that it will hurt for a while. It will all pass. Don’t be afraid of the pain.
