If you are serious about No Contact and have been dealing with a Narcissist or suspect they are due to abusive behavior, it is important to put your ego aside and listen to what I’m saying in this chapter. You will feel far less pain later on than what you are currently experiencing.
What is absolutely critical to recognize here is that it doesn’t matter if they’re a diagnosed narcissist (or sociopath/psychopath) or whether you suspect them to be – the fact that you would suspect someone of this issue speaks volumes about what you’ve been experiencing. It would be foolish to try to be an exception to the rule. Narcissists are not able to love, and their mind operates in a different way than a person with empathy. Yes, it is possible for this person to love you and behave well. However, that would be like saying you would rather live your life trying to collect water from an empty well than getting high off the occasional drip.
There is no contact rule – there are no exceptions
It is not possible to have partial contact with a narcissist while trying to be their mate. You are just a token in their never ending attention jar. They don’t understand nuances. So while you might feel that you have a reason to respond or reach out to them, they simply think “They love you.”
You’ll find that the No Contact Rule, which is based on sociopathology and narcissism, is the best way to get your life back. You have two options: you can feed them or you can focus on why you got involved in the first place. You won’t be able to cut it off or make them feel like they are losing control. This is a tough lesson that you need to remember. You don’t like being treated. The difference is that you don’t suffer from a personality disorder. This means you can stop trying to combat it and just accept the fact that you are coming from the same viewpoint. Narcissists will abandon you before you can see them as they really are and move on. They will not tolerate you cutting off.
Do not remind them to stop contacting you. Even responding to say you don’t want them contacting you, or reminding them why it is more than just contact. They will goad, goad, and bait until they get the response they desire. They will move on to another target unless they are stalking or dangerous. Don’t respond. Block as many contact forms as possible to make it easier for you. They will then be able to get your attention on their own terms.
They won’t like it if you don’t pay attention. It’s as if their ‘role’ is to be attention slaves. They see people that way. While they may be annoyed, their only purpose in getting in touch with you is to place them back in the same role. They don’t feel feelings or empathy, so you won’t change.
Don’t try to outthink them
Don’t worry about what the next move will be. You won’t know what they are thinking unless you’re a narcissist, sociopath, or both. To get an idea of what to expect, draw a chart. Mark the highs and lows. Also mark when contact was made. Note how they respond to criticisms, conflict, your asserting your rights, or you saying NO. This is what you should expect.
You should not feel the need to explain, engage, or both. They cannot empathize. This is the logic: Whether you are a narcissist, or not, you believe that this person has empathy issues. So why would you continue trying to explain your position to them or give yourself trouble for not understanding it and empathizing with you? This is absurd. Do not engage with them. While it’s fine to try and understand how someone behaves or lacks compassion and care from afar, it is not a good idea to engage with them. It’s like trying and repair a broken leg with a chainsaw.
Do not be a puppet
You can think of yourself as a puppet when you engage with a narcissist. They will believe that you are pulling at their strings, and you will be able to play the role of The Great Narcissist at The Royal Assholery Theater. You don’t have to play the part. You might be thinking that you are able to come up with your role in the play or even start saying lines that don’t belong with the role. You will be squashed with such ferocity they can take your breath away.
Don’t ‘Fire Shots’
Don’t tell them anything about yourself as a parting shot. Do not tell them about yourself. You shouldn’t. If they’re a narcissist or narcissistically inclined person, you should know that you don’t tell them. You simply walk away.
Do not fall for the Apology Trick
The next thing you know they will be asking you to apologize. This is an attempt to get you back into the Harem by pressing the Reset Button. Never apologize – Narcissists interpret it as a way to apologize for their actions. It may seem that they will accept your apology, but you will regret it when they get their teeth into you again.
Do not make your pain public
They may also keep an eye on you to make sure you are miserable. You can message them back and say “Leave us alone!” They don’t feel guilty and they get some attention. You shouldn’t post statuses on Facebook about how your life is falling apart, or that you haven’t had a good night’s sleep in the past month. And don’t allow anyone to talk about your business. Do not tell them you cannot stop thinking about them, or that they are your only hope.
Attention in the form you’re miserable is attention. For a narcissist that’s all that matters, it’s attention. They don’t need to be there to get that attention. They feel as happy knowing that they are miserable without you. This knowledge is not removed by the Contact Rule.
You can stop scratching the narcissistic attention itch. It might seem impossible at first, but if it doesn’t get scratched, eventually, you will be able to move on with your life. You will be back every time you scratch that contact itch, especially since being with a narcissist can be pretty traumatizing. You are reminded of someone you grew up with, most likely from your childhood. You must address this issue so you can stop thinking that someone who is great on one day but terrible on the next is normal and acceptable.